Vulnerable

Vulnerable: 1. capable of or being susceptible to being wounded or hurt (as by a weapon)
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation (dictionary.reference.com)

I have a weakness. I developed it over the years and never really saw it until my Aaron helped me acknowledge it. See, not only is Aaron someone very near and dear to my heart, he's also brilliant at the "feelings" thing. He is an incredible individual who has seen me at my very, very best and also very worst. I can be my complete self with him and for that I am grateful. Friendships like these are hard to find and I'm lucky to have one. Anywho- I'm not good with putting myself out there, as in dating. I know a few of you are going through this same process. You have gotten out of bad: marriages, relationships, etc. and now you are single again. Finding myself newly single was interesting. I didn't know how to be alone. In fact, I didn't spend much of my first year alone. I always made sure I surrounded myself with family and friends. I was constantly on the phone (I hope I don't get some kind of phone cancer from that) and I feared the quiet. I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts. The second year started off better, the big "D" day took place (a year ago tomorrow) and I was ok. I wasn't awesome, for who can be after such a traumatic ordeal? However, I felt like things would work out. Then, I immediately got set up and hit it off with guy #1... It was fast and exhilarating, and I was ready for... **Nothing happened. We fizzled out. I couldn't talk to him about my feelings because I didn't want to feel vulnerable . I didn't want him to think I was some weird, crazy girl with outlandish ideas. Some of my friends, who had dated far more than I ever did, gave me horrible advice that made sense at the time. Play the game, be coy, don't call him, don't let him know you miss him, he wants a career woman, don't push, don't ask, just take what he gives (can anyone tell me what is wrong with this?!). I tried to be cool, suave, and I played a part that wasn't me. I listened to everyone's advice (really, I threw it all together in a giant pot) and in the end I should have been myself. It took me a long time to get over that- the fact that I wasn't completely myself and that I didn't speak up about things I felt were important to discuss. I'm currently glad that I didn't somehow fall in love with guy #1 because since then I have had a struck of luck and I'm more myself today than I was straight out of a divorce. True Story.

 So- there have been three guys thus far. I'm currently dating a handsome, intelligent, southern (sickening, right?) man  and throughout this whole dating process I can't seem to communicate my needs or wants. I want to! I used to be great with words! But there is a huge elephant in the room any time I wish to talk about where things are going, will go, etc. By huge elephant, I mean a giant, magnificent, perfectly fat elephant. It's enormous. Really. Then I start to overthink everything, my breathing gets shallow... and I'm sure I set off a panic attack. Why is it that this happens?! Why can't I express myself?!

I know, I know... I do have part of the answer. I spent 4 years in a deteriorating relationship where I couldn't express myself for fear of my partner's reaction. I became the Julia Roberts of Runaway Bride during that time. I would agree with everything that was said, I wouldn't really offer ideas of my own, and if I did disagree with someone, I was met with such a terrifying force... That I learned my place and I kept my mouth shut. It's hard to come out and say that I became that woman, the submissive, quiet girl. I hated her. She wasn't a part of me. I almost let her take over until my DDay arrived and I liberated the both of us. What a war I had to fight. The war within myself was greater than any other agony I have ever experienced. My very heart is still uneasy about everything I do because I know what a heart break entails and I'm not sure I could survive another one. This is a fairly melodramatic piece but I know I can't be the only one out there with these issues. On a different note, I recently rekindled my love for reading and came upon this quote I absolutely love. It helps me to keep things in perspective and reminds me that I need to learn to detach.

“Take any emotion—love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions—if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. “But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment’”-Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

How did you guys do it?! How did you date again? How did you begin to communicate? When you found a good one you wanted to hang on to, were you finally able to express yourself? **Even if you're married now or happy wherever you are in life, I'd like to hear from you!