Stuck-Phase
So I'm in my middle 20's... About to be 25 but not quite there yet... It's really weird. It's also weird that my friends are all:
1. married or getting married
2. planning children
3. on their 2-3 child
4. building houses
5. buying houses
6. successful in their careers
7. awesome SAHMs
... The list is endless, really. I'm kinda stuck. I could have gone away to law school but decided against it. The thought of the MBA program still gives me nightmares. I'm in a good place where I am starting to figure out who I, Ruby, am as a person. However, I don't know entirely what I want except that: I want a higher degree and I want to provide for myself/Max. This whole process feels a little like midlife crisis, minus the part where I am nowhere near 40. Some people have encouraged me to move back to Utah to find a husband. Others counsel me to stay here and focus on finding a husband. My gosh, why are all these people trying to marry me off?? Did they forget what happened the first time?! I know it's been 2 years and I should be over it. In my head that whole thing makes sense. I mean, I'm dating and enjoying that phase. I'm still very close to my friends and get together with them often. I am taking care of my personal/emotional needs. It's not like I've been hiding under a rock! I think I'm getting to a good spot in my life. Really.
1. married or getting married
2. planning children
3. on their 2-3 child
4. building houses
5. buying houses
6. successful in their careers
7. awesome SAHMs
... The list is endless, really. I'm kinda stuck. I could have gone away to law school but decided against it. The thought of the MBA program still gives me nightmares. I'm in a good place where I am starting to figure out who I, Ruby, am as a person. However, I don't know entirely what I want except that: I want a higher degree and I want to provide for myself/Max. This whole process feels a little like midlife crisis, minus the part where I am nowhere near 40. Some people have encouraged me to move back to Utah to find a husband. Others counsel me to stay here and focus on finding a husband. My gosh, why are all these people trying to marry me off?? Did they forget what happened the first time?! I know it's been 2 years and I should be over it. In my head that whole thing makes sense. I mean, I'm dating and enjoying that phase. I'm still very close to my friends and get together with them often. I am taking care of my personal/emotional needs. It's not like I've been hiding under a rock! I think I'm getting to a good spot in my life. Really.
Then, I see a friend who got married when I did and now she's on her 3rd baby. I see another friend who got back from a mission. I find grad school pictures. I find wedding statuses, invites to bridal showers, and baby showers. It's at those times that I miss the life I planned. I miss the security that came behind knowing that someone was committed to me and ONLY me. I miss knowing what my future would entail (a house full of kids). I'm sad because even though I know I can have that again, it just won't be the same. I won't ever be 19 years old again. Maybe I will find someone to love and who will help me fulfill all of my dreams. Maybe he'll be completely smitten and adore me (with all my quirks). But I'm just not that young, vivacious girl that I remember. I don't want a brood of children anymore. I don't want to rush into another whirlwind of love and marriage. I want something solid. I want something different. I want time. I know I've had 2 years... But a lot happened in that time.
I just want time. Time to date, time to get to know someone, time to choose love, time to figure my Ruby self, time to figure out motherhood, time to enjoy it all.
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