She Told Me

"I'm afraid to look in the mirror because I must face my reflection. I don't want to see the desolation, hurt, anguish that fill my eyes. How did I end up here? Who am I? I was brave enough to talk to someone today. I was brave enough to ask them for their opinion and share the abnormalities that are happening. She didn't believe me. Then she decided I must be speaking the truth. She told me to tough it out. How do I tell her I can't anymore? She said it was my duty to make things work... I can't hide the bruises any more. I am empty, I feel no emotions. I'm dead inside."- Labor Day Weekend 2009.

I used to have a really great friend. I miss her sometimes. I learned a lot from her and we hit it off so well that anytime we got together, a hoot and a holler occured. True story. After I told her about the abusive tendencies that had taken root in my marriage, our friendship got weird. I don't know that we're friends today (ok I don't think we are but it hurts to admit it) because our points of views on certain issues don't stand the same. I don't believe anyone should be subjected to any form of abuse. NO. DON'T TOUGH IT OUT. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE. She believes that you should do whatever it takes to make a marriage work. While I can sympathize with that thought (I tried everything under the Sun), I also know that remaining in an abusive situation is ignorant. Things don't just magically get better.

To each their own, but for me and my house... We will not go experience or endure that which is physically, emotionally, and mentally hurtful. The abuser doesn't understand that what he is doing is wrong. Then when he does, he will push the limits to see how far he can go. Once any form of abuse takes place, YOU MUST CALL THE POLICE. Do you hear me people??? Don't listen to your BFF who has a perfect boyfriend/husband and says to give him another chance. She has no idea. She doesn't understand. For those of you who mean well... DON'T. My gosh! I can't even count the women I know who believe abuse should be endured. It gets to the point where I wonder if this is some kind of church doctrine. IT ISN'T. Abuse is never OKAY. Got it people??!! -I know I sound like I'm ranting because I am and I just heard a case of a woman who went back to her husband after her home teachers said they felt the Spirit in the home. There is no Spirit there, who are you guys kidding?! Let's do the world a whole new service and tackle this ISSUE that is PLAGUING OUR HOMES. I have seen/heard/witnessed so so so many cases of abuse and the police were not called. The abuse escalates after that, no calls are made and want to know what happens?? The abuser gets off scotch-free. No punishment. No repercussions. Heck, he might even end up with joint custody of your children. The smart thing to do in a situation like this is:

1. call the coppers

2.File for divorce.

3.Call someone you trust.

Abuse is something we don't really talk about in our religion. It's time that we did! I'm sad to say that it happens in the places where you least expect it. I will talk about this subject because it needs to be talked about. I will give my .02 cents of advice in the hopes that someone who reads this will find consolation in knowing that she's not the only one. If it's even just ONE person... PLEASE LISTEN. PLEASE GET HELP. Facing the world alone is terrifying, trust me, I know. But I promise promise PROMISE you that the days get easier, better, and you will reach a point where this is but a memory.

It's taken me 2 years to breathe a sigh or relief and stop looking over my shoulder. I no longer flinch when a man comes up to me too quickly. I don't hate marriage or going to conference. My resentment has evaporated and in its place I have found an opportunity to start over! I have a new life! I can do great things! Do you know how long it's taken me to finally trust myself?? 6 years!!!!  Now since I always pour my heart out to y'all, I'll admit that I still don't trust myself completely in the guy department. But I've found that slow and steady wins the race. I rushed into a whirlwind of love five years ago. Today I'm more guarded, slower to see the best in a man, and I think for now that's okay. I'm a little jaded. Who hasn't been hurt in the game of love?? However, I'm at a good spot right now. The universe is aligning itself and I'm happy. If all fails and I'm having a bad day I just think that it's Razorback Season, I have a great reason to be excited!! The bruises I held in my heart are fading and it feels good to be alive. Back when I wrote that Labor Day piece, I had a hairline fracture on my hand that to this day bothers me. I share these private memories in the hope that someone will be able to walk away waayyyy sooner than I did.