(un) Anniversary??

A year ago today, I sat in a court house. I felt numb, shaky, and extremely odd. I raised my hand, swore to tell the truth, and found myself divorced 15 minutes later. It was a pretty swift divorce, if I do say so myself (minus the 9 months we spent duking it out via attorneys). Those 15 minutes didn't acknowledge any of the happy, painful, interesting moments I had experienced with him.  I remember driving to Mimi's Cafe after the ordeal, and I spent the day with my ever watchful mother (she was worried I was going to have a meltdown), and I felt like I was completely going through the motions. WEIRD.

It happened shortly after. My meltdown, per say. I cried for hours, not knowing how long it would take for me to stop. The tears just kept coming. I loved him. He had called me the night before and swore to be everything I ever wanted and as much as I wanted to believe his words, experience had taught me otherwise. Leaving him, cutting him out of my life has been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Now, I am stronger. I know I can do hard things. Do I like that? Not necessarily. Do I need to know that? Most definitely.

I've learned that I can still look back and appreciate the good things that happened in our relationship/marriage. I got a handsome wee man out of it and I wouldn't change it for the world. He's my life. My reason for being. My joy of all joys.

There she is... The lovely courthouse. *blurry

I do ask myself a lot of unanswered questions but today I am more confident. I know I'm a daughter of God. I know my family loves me. I know families can be together forever. My foundation is establishing itself and I'm raising my son the best way I know how. I think I'll always have a special place in my heart for that 24 year old I fell too madly in love with. He may not have been completely real but he was cute, funny, and very charming. It's unfortunate that we both had to go through this heartbreak.  Yet I'm all the better for it because now I know without a doubt what I want in a man. I want a man who will treat me like a queen, love me enough to give me a family, he will support me and I will support him, and our relationship will be based on honesty and trust. He will want to be a father. He will cherish his children. He will never raise his voice, demean me, or think it's okay to break sacred covenants made in marriage. He will look at me like my father and mother look at each other. I can have that still, right? I'm in no rush because I know good things come to those that wait. Oh- and he'll sing. To me, to our children, and even if he can't carry a tune, he'll sing nonetheless.