4 Years Ago

The first time I saw him with his little eyes opened. Look at that hair!! -This is my fave post birth shot of us :)

"He's in my belly. This wonderful being that I don't understand. Sometimes I feel too young, like I don't know what I'm doing and I shouldn't be in this predicament. His father and I have had our issues, lots of issues, but we're having a baby! I know a baby doesn't make a home but just thinking about this child makes me want to be the very best I can at everything. I'm young and that is enough good luck on my side. I felt bubbles today! It feels like I have a little fish in my stomach. It seems he is trying to reassure me that things will be ok. I love him so much already. He's the size of a gummy bear and yet he reigns my body like a tyrant. I haven't been able to hold anything down for the last two weeks. I already got hooked up to an IV and everything. This little babe is seriously sucking me dry... But I can't complain. Pregnancy looks good on me. I'm counting down the weeks until I can hold this little being in my arms. He must be a BOY. I keep dreaming of little Asian girls with pigtails, but I can't shake off the feeling that I have a little boy growing inside me. He has fingernails by now. Little feet. My gosh if this is what true love feels like, this feeling of elation and floating, I never want it to end. For once, I finally know what true love feels like."- September 2008

I was a young bride when I wrote this, sending letters to a distant husband across the country. Our marriage had already begun to struggle and finding out I was with child didn't seem to help our circumstances. I was terrified. I nearly miscarried twice. My body was not happy with me for putting it through all of those hormonal, physical, emotional changes. Yet, some kind of mom instinct kicked in and I fought valiantly for this baby. I sat in bathtubs for hours, bed rested for three months, prayed fervently, and shared all my dreams and goals with this little guy. I can't help but smile at those moments. Growing a baby is a lot of work, it's twice as hard if you're diabetic. But we made it to the finish line! My best friend and Sissy Esme moved in with me, nursed me to health, kept me alive, and was there until the very moment little Maxi was going to come to Earth. God knew the hardships I was already encountering and sent me a little piece of Heaven with my sister (and later my mom who arrived just in time). He never left my side.