This Post is NOT for the Faint of Heart

Dear (in Denial) Abused Woman,

I see you experienced a rough spell. I wish to give you hope, lift you up, help you see there is beauty in this world. This is more about the things that you're missing out on than the things you're doing right.

You're 22 years old but feel like midlife is upon you. Why is this?? Perhaps it has something to do with the way your husband treats you. Sure, you pretend everything is fine and dandy. You kiss him in public, treat him like a King, and cry yourself to sleep every single night. It's becoming harder and harder to give in to the pretenses that things will turn out fine. You've lost a significant amount of weight because you think that by starving yourself you'll be able to bring him back to you; he'll never stray or want any other woman. You hope he'll want YOU, in every sense of the word. You change your hair color, pile on makeup, spend hours cursing at fake eyelashes because they are difficult to put on. You buy heels and with that, you've kissed your independence good-bye. You always wanted to be unique, now you're doing everything it takes to become a Stepford Wife in order to keep him. You're cleaning the house, throwing lavish dinner parties, counting calories, and taking swigs of whatever cough syrup you have in the house to calm your nerves. Never before did his departure bring such sweetness. Currently, it means that for those short 72 hours, you get to be completely by yourself. Sure, you cry for three solid days, but by the time he's back, survival mode kicks in and the adrenaline begins coursing through weak veins. You throw up the shield, swipe some lipstick on, and convince yourself that he will come around.  You're stubborn enough to do whatever it takes to keep him. Don't you see what is happening?! You loathe him. You loathe yourself for falling in love. You loathe all the people around you because they did get someone who is crazy about them. Life consists of constant insecurities. You loathe the concept of marriage. You start to doubt everyone else's marriage and wonder if they're all faking it like you. Maybe. Maybe not.
You drew lines early on in marriage that he was not supposed to cross and they were listed as such: no yelling, no physical hitting of any kind, and no cheating. Simple ones that every decent human being should be able to abide by. The yelling started a week into marriage, followed by constant swearing and ridicule. You dealt with it and carried on thinking that he just wasn't used to the married life. He sprinkled the word divorce into every conversation, insomuch that it became the tool that kept you cemented to the floor. It took forever to finally realize that he fought with you so that you could prove your love to him by staying after the argument. He had abandonment issues. Sure, you deserted him like everyone else but he dug his own grave, don't you forget it! You tried to believe him when he said he didn't punch a hole in the wall (yes, he did and it cost $350 to fix). You realized things were not normal when he told you over and over again that he "never loved you", he "wanted a divorce", he "couldn't stand to be with you." You fought hard to cling to him. You married him for ETERNITY! You held on to whatever part of him you could in order to save your dying marriage. He fought you off in the worst ways. His vile words tore through your very core, his gentle hands turned to steel, and your self worth diminished. Nearly two years later, his hands are wrapped around your throat and with tears streaming down your face, you regain your sense of self worth. You see the cold look in his eye and the man you fell in love with is gone. In fact, you realize he never existed. He grips your throat and you start to see white dots everywhere, the kind stories describe before someone passes out. The mind is funny during times like this.  Detaching yourself from the situation makes it feel like this isn't happening to YOU. Your heart is breaking at the realization that he could take your life, then and there and no one would ever know. What's worse is you glance around him and see your toddler babe watching the entire scenario.  GET OUT. Instinct is screaming in your ears! Don't wait! Get your kid, leave the stuff, and run like the devil is right at your heels!!
I know you blame yourself for waiting until things got to that point. It's ok. You did all you could. You sought for help, counseled with therapists, talked to church leaders. You left him three times, three!! There was always ample opportunity to get out, but it was always so hard to follow through because of your love for him. Hey, at least you got away. At least you saved yourself and the babe.
Now here's the deal, people are going to judge you. They're going to tell you that you should have toughed the abuse and helped him fight those demons. They will  suggest that you're over-dramatizing everything. Those will be the hardest to deal with because you shared this private information for help. These friends you trusted, people you thought you knew, will be the first to disappoint. Some will side with him. "He would never do anything like that. I know him! He'd never hurt you intentionally! These words pierce your heart and leave you feeling numb. An abuser knows how to work a crowd, he can be the sweetest peach of them all, the most worthy-looking man, then head home and beat the daylights out of his wife and children. Don't let their thoughts get to you. You know he's good at convincing people to believe him. Even his family- they know him a lot better than they let on- they'll brush everything under the rug and pretend as if you're the problem. They think it's your fault it happened. They are his parents. Of course they're not going to understand your side. 

People will confront him and he will lie through his teeth and say that your depression has skewed your perception on everything. In fact, that's how he got you to stay so long. He'd argue with you in the middle of the night and wake up the next day and deny that you ever argued. Your sanity levels were greatly strained and your self-doubts were maximized twicefold. Here's the deal, these people  were NOT there. Their negative, delusional (can I say ignorant??) opinions DO NOT matter. They can offer all the great advice they want but at the end of that conversation, they will go home to their kind husbands who would never dream of abusing their wives. Their points of view are void. In my religion, divorce is frowned upon. Marriage is the most sacred ordinance we can partake of. That does not mean you are supposed to put up with emotional, physical, and mental abuse. Those are not correct principles and they are grounds for a swift divorce. Don't listen to them. Don't go ask them for help. They will tell other people or worse, your husband. They might mean well but in the end it really is your life on the line. NOT THEIRS. Surround yourself with positive people. It will be hard to let go of these friendships you have built but you'll be stronger for letting go.  They may never understand. Ultimately, the decision is yours and only yours.

THINGS TO DO IF YOUR HUSBAND IS ABUSIVE:
1. Go to counseling
2. You may talk to a trusted friend
3. Have an emergency pack with ID's, $500 in cash, and a few sets of clothing at a trusted friend's house- preferably one he doesn't know (he will track you down and bring you home)
4. Call the police when he hits you (report it, it will make future divorce or custody issues easier) **You might feel bad doing this to him but he didn't think about you, your feelings, or personal well-being when he decided to be abusive. He needs help and sometimes this is the only way for him to realize it's time to find help
5. NEVER apologize for things you have to do to others. You are doing what is best for your family and that is all that matters.

You're a sweet, amazing woman. The fact that you've made it this far shows your inner strength. You will heal. You will grow. Your life will fall into place.  Do not be naive enough to think he'll never hurt you again just because he swore in the heat of the moment to be good to you and put this behind your relationship. Once he starts to abuse, it will be hard for him to stop. You'll wake up with bruises up and down your body. You won't recognize yourself because you're green and purple all over. Who cares if no one believes you?? You know your truth! If people hate you and ditch you,who cares?? You don't need that kind of influence in your life. I know you care about what other people think: STOP IT! RIGHT NOW. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

I promise YOU... YOU will be just fine. It will be a rough road, you will have many self-doubts, and then you will wake up one day and realize how lucky you are to have gotten out when you did. You'll be able to smile, laugh, and trust those around you. 

Then a whole day will pass by when you don't even think of him! Please get help. Please leave. Please stop being prideful in thinking you can fix it. Honey, you can't fix this mess. It's only tearing you inside. You'll have withdrawals and you will miss the good times you shared. Those were few and far inbetween. You know that! Your life is at risk. No one but you knows that and you'll never be able to make him love you. He never loved you (harsh, I know). It's going to take you awhile to figure that one out. Leave him. Do it for your baby. Do it for your sanity. Do it so the healing/ forgiving process can begin. Please?!
**And another thing- the boys will start lining out the door... So just date when you're ready. There will be plenty of time for you to figure yourself out and try that new road. You are young! The world is fresh once more! The possibilities are endless!


Love you.

Me