Mother's Day

My life changed forever the moment I knew I had a little "jellybean" growing in my belly...  I was a young 20 year old in Utah, dreaming of moving to DC and having an expensive lifestyle. I was young enough to believe I really could have it all. I had the family support, the ideas, the drive to get to where I thought I wanted to be; now I can smile at her ambitions and feminist ideas because those carefree days would slowly come to a sudden halt. I remember playing with the idea in my head that I was pregnant. I was terrified!! Max's dad had just left for bootcamp and I knew I felt different. Some women can go months without knowing they're pregnant, for me it was only a matter of days. Weird.

I had decided to take a trip down to Utah to visit my best friend Bri and celebrate her birthday. I made my usual pit stop and got gas, ordered a big mac/fries/ and coke from the McDonald's, and hit the road. I felt tired, drowsy, and different. I couldn't put my finger on why I felt so odd. I definitely knew I was coming down with something when I couldn't eat the whole big mac (I was known for my ability to put away a whole pizza back in the day) so this was a shock. When I got to Utah, I told my bff how I felt. I will never forget her reaction. She started laughing!!

"You're pregnant!!" she giggled. "I am not pregnant!!" I responded, completely freaked out. We decided to go buy a few pregnancy tests. We weren't sure how they worked but I used one. There was a strong pink line and a VERY very very faint line (you really couldn't see it). We knew the box said that you would see two lines and since we didn't, we decided I was just freaking out about being pregnant and didn't think twice about it. UNTIL her birthday dinner that night with her extended family. Bri told everyone how we had thought I was pregnant but the test showed a line with a slight faint line next to it so I couldn't be pregnant. Her cousin burst out "Honey, I have three faint lines running around my house," and I literally felt the color wash out of my face. SO- after that dinner,we rushed to another store, bought more pregnancy tests, and waited for dawn to come. That whole night I tossed and turned. I was excited. I was terrified. I'm horrible with children. They cry! and then I would think a little baby, to love and to hold (I have no idea where that mothering thought came from haha). Dawn came, I ran to the bathroom, waited nervously, and then cried, laughed, hugged, cheered, and danced with my bff when we read the results together. I was going to be a mother at the ripe ol' age of 20. What a surprise!! Those 9 months were a whirlwind of preparation but one thing was for sure, I was determined to be the best mother I could be and I wanted my child to be proud. My grades excelled, I rocked my semesters, I was healthy, I exercised... and 9 months later, after much preparation and anticipation- I welcomed the love of my life, the man of my heart, flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone, Maxfield (Maximo as I call him) Byron Hill. 3 years later, I'm about to celebrate my 3rd Mother's Day and I have a great little toddler to show for it. I never knew the love my heart could hold. I never understood the depth of self-fulfillment. Motherhood changed me for the very best and I am so grateful that I have been given this opportunity to procreate. Heavens knows he drives me crazy and sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing. But every night as I get him ready for bed and I look into his enormous chocolate eyes and sing to him, it was all worth it. The pain, the stretchmarks, the c-section, the everything that comes with life changing moments. I sit here with tears running down my cheeks in completely gratitude for my Maxi.

I wanted to write this down before I completely forgot the story and missed out on the details (3 years later). I know I won't ever forget that moment I held him in my arms for the first time and he gazed up at me, even then he knew he belonged to me. He knew I was his mother. What a treasure these memories are and what incredible gifts our children are. For those of you who wonder about my future plans, I hope to be in the MBA program and that's all I have. I do know the future involves finding a man who will love me, love Max more than he loves me, and who will want to have a family. There is nothing more precious I could ask for.