Alive



I was sealed to my parents in this temple on 12/27/1997



Behold! I live! I survived the crazy weekend and made it through it all relatively well... I was happy and vivacious at the bridal showers! I enjoyed myself and the company I was with. With that said, our song chorister didn't show up to Sacrament meeting (Mormon Service hour) and so instead of hiding behind the piano, I had to get up and mentally prepare myself to lead the songs A Capella. Thankfully, my friend saved me by running to the piano and playing the sacrament hymns. The talks were about eternal families (at this point swallowing the giant lumps in my throat), following God's commandments (fighting the urge to burst into tears), and the last hymn was Families can be Together Forever at which I completely lost it. All I could do was waive my hand back and forth and let the sobs take over. Embarrassment does not cover the emotions I was feeling. I can tell you one thing for sure: I did not want to be standing in front of my whole congregation sobbing to this song. My front-row sitting family sat there and cried with me and I finally fought the tears enough to sing the last verse. I pride myself in having a loud alto voice but this time, whispering the words and lip singing were all I could do.

I have a forever family- I was sealed to my parents for time and all eternity. That means I'm still going to be OK, right?! I mean I'm still sealed to Max's dad but the word on the street is that as long as I find someone else who will want to marry me, the sealing can be undone. This brings on a whole set of problems that I don't even understand. He can be sealed to others, I can only be sealed to one. That's OK. But what if I never find that someone? I'll be sealed to my ex until I get to the other side and say "Well, we all know what happened and I don't want to spend Eternity with THAT guy..." Does that mean I get to try again or move over 3 spaces?? Sometimes I don't worry about my salvation at all. It's all too big to fathom and my main priority is just getting through the day (at the moment). Thinking about eternity makes me want to barf my guts out. Loneliness is hard but at least there is no risk in heartbreak- a good friend of mine. I know I should be over all of this by now (I mean, I am crushing on a guy and the fact that I can do that is awesome) but I lost my forever. I lost my eternal perspective. I lost my special unit.  

"If it's meant to be then it will happen"

"It will all work out as it should, just have faith"

- As true as these lines are I don't want to hear them.