MAX IS BRILLIANT

I have a brilliant child. Sure, he's only 3 but he's already mastered things that took me years to do. For example: he can already throw a baseball, football, and has amazing form. I know I'm no sports guru but I'm impressed that he can out-throw and out-catch me. Impressive, right?

He's also great at memorizing letters. If we scroll through names of his favorite cartoons and pretend they aren't there so we don't have to watch them, he'll yell out "wait! Diego! Blues Clues!" and other cartoons I feel I can't handle anymore.

He knows how to get his way by calling me sweetheart. Darn I am in trouble with that little stinker!

Every time I see him, I feel like he's grown a few inches. He's growing too fast and my heart is a little broken to think that he no longer fits in my arms. NOT FAIR! I look at him and think of the last three years... He's such a strength to me, for me, with me. The joys he's brought into my life are too many to list; I love him in a way I cannot ever explain. He's flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. I think of all the reasons people told me NOT to have kids... They forgot the reasons TO HAVE kids. Motherhood is one of the most selfless jobs I have ever experienced and the most rewarding. I sacrifice every day for him and I am thankful that this journey helps me stay humble. Sure, our circumstances are not what I wish them to be. I have experienced a heart break or two and those have not been pretty. However, at the end of the day, I have no regrets. I don't wish I could go back to my 19 year-old-self and talk her out of falling in love. If I did that, it would mean changing my path- it would mean I may not have had Max. I have thought about what kind of person I would be if I hadn't experienced what I did. I would probably be the same person only more self absorbed. I would still be carefree and trusting of everyone around me. These experiences have helped me find my inner strength. They have opened my eyes to the realities that happen in life- bad things happen to good people. I haven't reached a point where I can say I am grateful for my full experience, but I'm making it. I am surviving it. I get up every morning, look at my beautiful son and I know that I'm going to be ok. The confidence that comes with knowing I am a sole breadwinner and making it is a huge boost! I am not rolling in the dough (to say the least!) but we are still blessed. We have a roof over our head, food in our belly, constant love, and above all we have each other. I have my Max and he has me. Sometimes I feel the age of my very soul within me and feel the need to find a rock to crawl under. It's during those times that I do what I was taught in my childhood: I pray for knowledge, assurance, love, and patience. I pray that although I cannot see the path ahead of me, that I may do my best to have faith and follow. I am not one to follow blindly (it must be the intellectual part of me) but I work hard at trying to figure out why I do what I set out to do. Then I follow. There is a balance in all things and perhaps it will take me a lifetime to figure that out.
I took the road less traveled. I know the knife-cutting pain that comes with separation. I have felt the bitter wind on a lonely winter day. I know the anxieties/fears that come with building a new life. I know life can be very trying and sometimes others choices affect our lives forever. Yet, I am also experiencing love. The kind of love that grabs your heart and opens it in ways other moments cannot. I know what joy feels like. The real kind that makes you want to sing from the Mountain Tops and proclaim how truly awe-inspiring life can be! I have ridden a waves on the beach and felt strong. I've belted it out in front of many and felt peace as I let the musicalities take place. I have heard some of the most amazing choirs and cried tears because I was so moved. How can I take back my journey? It would mean taking back all the good that has happened along with the bad. I cannot do that. It would be to deprive me of true feelings and emotions. How blessed I am to be given another chance at life!! How wrong I have found myself to be for wanting to change things (before).

For without true knowledge of bad, I cannot understand the true knowledge of good.