DEAR FRIEND

Haven't been able to watch this movie in 3.5 years...

I got the most interesting email the other day. It was from a friend of a friend... SO basically someone who found my blog through a friend and after much consideration, fear, and curiosity... She decided to reach out to me- I bet she's glad she did! I mean, I'm glad she did. Grant it, I have never met this girl (although I feel like we are dear friends now!) and she asked me a very insightful question:

"How are you not depressed beyond oblivion?? How do you trust things to get better when they've been so horrible??"... "How did your heart not completely break and shatter after your experience??"

I have been considering how to answer her (thank you for writing me!!). I have been where she is now and although our situations are different, the subject of divorce is not. Although I have been home for nearly two years (can you believe it??!!) I still find myself alone in the world, working 3 jobs to support myself and my beautiful child.

I have shared my divorce story with a few (very few) select people. They know the inner struggle I went through in order to finally move forward with divorce. They listened to me break down every single detail of my marriage while I fought the angel and devil on my shoulders. I was scared. I cried. A lot. December 17th, 2009 is a day that will forever be in my mind. A day I shudder to forget; with time, it is becoming the most faint memory. That was the day I knew my marriage was ending and I lost the man who had become my best friend by default. To some, I should be over this loss. It was in fact, years ago. To me, it is the day I lost a piece of my innocence, faith in men, and I lost the love of my life. I was young (21), scared for my life, and keeping up with the facade of being someone I was not. I pretended my ex and I were happy as peaches, in love, when in fact our marriage was deteriorating and I trusted no one. I thought no one would believe the stories I had to tell. As a dutiful wife, I kept everything inside until The. Day. I. Exploded. I went a little crazy. I yelled and screamed like I have never in my life. I uttered phrases my sweet mouth would never have considered lady-like. I lost it! Looking back, I shake my head at silly little Ruby. I look at her and think "boy, she's not good with confrontation and look at her go!" I still find myself shocked at some of the things that were done that day. I try not to revisit because the feelings that occured then wash freshly over me and I feel the emotions... I don't like "feeling" that way- apprehensive, angry, hateful, spiteful... NOT my best moments. 

Honey, my heart broke right through the middle and bled. It kept bleeding while I considered what I needed to do. It bled as he pleaded for us to try again. It bled as we filed for divorce. It bled as he called me to constantly tell me I had to come back, I needed to come back, please come back!!! It bled the day I signed papers. I'm not good with blood so I'll stop saying "bled" but that's exactly what happened. My heart was broken. It even shattered. I felt broken. I felt shattered. I felt victimized. I felt betrayed, alone, desolate, and most of all, I hated myself. I blamed myself for my failed marriage and for all the reasons he told me he didn't want to be with me. I couldn't believe that I was about to become a statistic. I had forced the love of my life to a point where he could not be with me. He would rather be with friends or elsewhere (anywhere that wasn't home was a good place for him). Grant it, I don't hate him. I never could, even if I tried. But I am sad at how things ended. There are lines I had drawn that could not be crossed and he crossed them. Plain and simple, right? Wrong. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to forget. I did just recently discover that you can forgive but not necessarily forget and that's ok!

DEPRESSED BEYOND OBLIVION: Um, yeah I was there. I'm still struggling with thinking that I'm a pretty girl and that boys find me attractive. I've always had an "ugly girl complex" and events in my life haven't helped much. When I first came home, I spent 4 days in bed, crying, not eating, and honestly, wanting to die. It's horrible, the truth isn't always pretty though, and in this case it wasn't. Finally one day, my dad walked into my room and said he had enough. He said, "Ruby, what are you waiting for?" and I looked him straight in the face and said "I'm waiting to die. My life is horrible. My heart is broken. I just want to die dad," and I crumbled into tears. He ripped off the covers I was laying under and pointed at Max (who had just entered the room) and he said, "You see him, right there?? He is YOUR LIFE. Now get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and we're going out to dinner." I was shocked (and now I'm so thankful) that he was loving and firm. That day I picked myself up by my boot straps and found a job, got new clothes, and felt better about the future. That was the beginning of doing something hard.

How I fight the Big D-epression: I work out 4 times a week. I get vitamin B12 shots in my butt to give me energy. I eat lots of protein and vegetables. I spend a solid 2 hours a night with my little man. I read parenting books. I read self help books (thanks to my friends and families for their donations and suggestions). I treat myself to a girls night/lunch dates with friends. When I think I can't do it anymore, I pray. I get a priesthood blessing. I babysit little children that I love. I take Max to the park. Play superheroes with him. I run. I do whatever it takes to take my mind off of things.

DID YOU KNOW: I haven't watched a chicflick by myself in 2 years?? I don't keep chocolate in the house for bad days. I buy whole wheat bread because it's not as enticing to eat as white brea. I can't listen to country music because it depresses me so I am a new hiphop/ 90's classic rock listener. Love songs are killers through and through so I have Baby Einsteins' playing in my background as we speak. They keep me sane. I have a therapist, Dan. He's awesome. I go horseback riding. I try new things. I cook to distract my mind from obsessing about things I cannot control. Feel free to try any of these things and Honey, I promise you... It will get better. You'll look back and think of how far you have come. You'll have a great day where he won't cross your mind once... and that's when you know you're on to something. Now stop torturing yourself with looking at wedding pictures and stalking him on facebook. In fact, unfriend him. The best thing my ex did for me was block me on facebook. He did both of us a greater good than he ever meant to do (I think). My heart broke, bled, and now it's healing with time. My depression was offset by PTSD and that is managable now. I just keep positive, look forward, and try not to think of the "might-have-beens." I'd also like you encourage you to try medication, if you haven't. I am on the natural route but trust me, if I hadn't broken out of the funk, I would have been trying to find medicine left and right. It isn't for everyone but it is there for a reason.

*All of the aforementioned things are my opinion and shouldn't be done without supervision. If you have thoughts of ending your life or other disturbing things running through your brain, contact a care physician.