The Last Time



This is the Sacred Grove, a very special place for us Mormons



"I hugged him fiercely, wondering when we would see each other again. Tears stung my eyes as I kissed him one last time, hoping for a miracle to happen. I had great faith that things would work out between us and I prayed he would change for himself, for me, for our child. I wanted to hear him say he loved me but he just waived good bye and walked away from me. I watched him go, sobbed to my terminal, and wondered how in the world I was supposed to drop this bombshell on my parents that I needed help. "- August 14, 2010.

More terrifying moments my soul has not known. I had isolated myself from my dearest friends and family. My shoulders were nearly crushed by the weight of the desolation I carried. For years, I held on to my weight, unable to share that burden with anyone. When I finally did try to share that burden, I was met with ridicule and unbelief. My faith in my Christian family waned. My faith took a beating because I was angry. I had worked hard to follow the commandments, serve my fellow men, better myself in the gospel, and then during my most trying times, I almost lost that faith I had worked so hard to acquire and maintain. Of course, it was during the pre-divorce period that I had to work to find my relationship with God. It is still a work in progress but I am better. I know that He exists and that He knows my circumstances. When I doubted Him the most, I stumbled upon Mosiah 4:9 "Believe in God, believe that He is, and that He created all things, both in Heaven and in Earth; BELIEVE that he has all wisdom, and all power..."  At that moment, I kneeled and offered a prayer of gratitude. I wanted to believe so badly!! I wanted to remember what it was that got me out of bed at 5am with a smile on my face and ready to face the world!

I rediscovered my faith. It's different from before.

Anyway, I can honestly say I am a better person today than I was two years ago. I look at Max and know what true, beautiful, incredible love is. I appreciate every minute I have with him. With that, I will do a huge update of our adventures together. He's grown so much. He's a skinny little boy with lots of love to give. My life is complete with him in it. I don't know what I would do without my wolverine/power ranger/hulk/spiderman/ action man! We sword fight, water battle, and once in a while I get to play a damsel in distress. I'm lucky I get to have this much fun every day!