I Don't Believe In Coincidences

 

Thomas Paine

So you guys know how much I love to study for standardized tests, only to change my mind about the exams later on, right?! Well, this last time, I have been determined to take the GMAT regardless of how horrible I may perform! I'm kind of terrified/nervous/yelling at myself. What am I thinking?!!! Just thinking about this test reminds me of labor. That's how painful tests are for me. I would rather birth a child- literally- instead of taking an exam. In fact, Max came during finals week. Coincidence?? I think not! It sounds irrational but true. Anyway, a few months ago I reconnected with an old buddy from high school. He's a brilliant, deep thinking sort of guy and he's been a true lifesaver these last few weeks. We are both studying for the GMAT and he's been very patient and kind with our study sessions. Goodness only knows how long it has been since I've done any real Algebra!

First, I would like to point out that I don't believe I just reconnected with this guy for the heck of it. I firmly believe he came into my life for a reason. It was no coincidence (there it is again!) that we happen to have a lot of similarities and opinions on things... Part of that reason became more apparent after yesterday's study session. See, he asks a lot of questions and doesn't accept the easy answers. He is different from guys I know because he asks the hard questions, he's in touch with his humanity, and he's kind. I have this theory that guys go through five different phases of their life (more about that later) but one of those is the "throw the partying out the window and grow up" phase. He has reached that level and more. I am still in recovering from our conversation we had last night because it was soooo deeeepppp (insightful, invigorating, and left me wanting for more).I know I exaggerate a lot, but ladies, something changed within me. In asking his questions, he helped me realize so much more about myself that I had either

1. not discovered yet

2. been in denial

3. not addressed

Second, we discussed religion. It's the topic that trumps all topics because as long as man has existed, so has religion. It has done great things and greatly horrible things. I used to consider myself a deeply, pious, religious person. I knew God existed and that He loved me. Then of course, my "perfect fairytale" world shattered and I was left in the dust holding my broken heart in my hand. At that moment, no scripture/general conference talk/journal writing could have healed that kind of hurt. As much as I consider myself a spiritual person, my testimony was shaken and with my experience, I am no longer the same. I look the same, I smile the same, I even dance the same... But I do not think the same. I am more abstract, I ask the hard questions, and I don't take the "if it doesn't pertain to your salvation then don't worry about it answer." WHY?!! Because I suffered tragedy. I suffered a loss of innocence a great deal of betrayal, and in doing so, I have transformed. Now, as we began to discuss religion, I became slightly uneasy. I didn't think he was atheist but I also didn't want to force my beliefs on him because my very own beliefs are changing and adapting as we speak. Instead I was enlightened. He presented ideas I had only entertained in my head, I had been to afraid to voice them for fear that I would sound like a heretic. He commended me for things I have experienced. He didn't cast judgment on my life, he only opened doors and windows of possibilities. Instead he commended me for them.

If you're wondering what we talked about, read the next post. I'll give you a snip.