Too Many Words

I talk a lot. Sometimes too much. I also type and reveal wayyy too much information. You're probably all bored to death about my posts (as of late). My journey is included in all this word vomit. It's like I'm unleashing a hundred moments of my life. I am writing in between the lines and hoping that someone out there will be able to see through all of this. Reach out to me. How is it that I'm surrounded by the most incredible people and sometimes feel so alone? Then, I feel so awesome? I thought I was going bipolar for a second. I was elatedly happy, then so angry I could punch a wall... I mean, it's not like I'm the first person to go through all this grief. In fact, 53% of people will go through this. My advice: don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Don't do it.

I numbed my heart a long time ago, seriously, I can't remember the last time I felt giddy and excited until about two months ago when I had the epic of all months. It was incredible. It was refreshing. It helped me feel young again! I've been an 80 year old in this 24 yr. old body. Gosh, that "high" was sooo nice!! Thank you kind stranger. We will probably run into each other again. I might be awkward because that's totally my personality... But thank you for helping me feel alive again. For showing me that I am an attractive woman and for treating me exceptionally well. It's totally unfortunate I didn't run into you a year from now... and not 2 months after the epic fail of my old marriage. It's all in the timing, right? Curse timing! Oh and curse compatability!

According to my therapist, it takes 3-5 years to get over a divorce. That's over 1,825 days!!! Holy mother of all pain. I write every day to remind myself that I am healing. That I'm finding joy in my journey, and that I am enjoying this second chance at self-improvement I've been given. I don't know what it's like to live without fear, resentment, sadness, crying. I lived in a constant state of extreme highs and lows for five years! But then, I've experienced true love, held the most beautiful boy in the world in my arms, discovered the extreme joys of motherhood that I wouldn't trade for the world! I have cried tears of extreme joy: the day I got married (my sobbing was a little out of control), the day I found out I was pregnant, the day I held Max in my arms, and now, the tears that come with knowing I'm healing from all this junk. I know I have many divorced friends reading this blog. You aren't alone (what a cliche, I know) but you're not. Many of you have gone through things other people won't understand but they will make you stronger. And on those days when you feel like you can't go on, you possibly can't give anymore than you have already given, you will find a renewed sense of self that will help you get through the day. I went days, weeks, months honestly, I can't remember a lot of 2011. I wish I could be honest and say it was a great journey! It was such a trial of faith and yet, here I am! Happy!! But honestly, most of you that read this also keep in constant touch and you know my struggles. You know my fears. You know my joys. We are placed here on Earth for a reason and people are placed in our lives for a reason. I have a hard time letting go of people who don't want to be a part of my life. I'm a lover. I love everyone... oh well, almost everyone. I had a hard time with this (very recently) and realized: that person came into my life so I could learn this specific thing! It was a definite EURIKA! moment for me. So I can smile today, and say THANK YOU kind stranger! THANK YOU!!!

Can I have a personal weeping tree?? In my backyard?? Guess I'll have to go to Japan
Today the weather is beautiful. It's a gorgeous 70 degrees outside! I'm thinking we're headed to the park after the chiropractor. Then, we'll eat Maxi's favorite food... Then we'll run around the house and play heroes. After all that, I will give my stinky boy a bath. If I'm lucky, he'll be in bed by 9 pm and I'll be on the phone with my long distance girlfriend, "Hai" whom I love so much!! She has been added to the therapist list and I'm lucky we met 5 years ago. I never knew I would have such a great friendship but boy I'm glad we both took a chance!!


My grief was present today, I couldn't displace it or ignore it. However, my joy maximizes everything else and I know with a deep surety that I will be ok.