Rediscovery

While on this journey to rediscovery, I have felt like the runaway bride (Julia Roberts anyone??). There are things I have never liked to do but have done anyway. There are rules I have kept, not always knowing why, and haven't broken. There are values I have followed but not necessarily understood very well and so I've finally realized that today is the day. Not tomorrow, not next month, or next year. Whatever I need to work on needs to start right now.

Finding myself newly single again has brought forth many emotions I never thought I would deal with. I have felt complete loneliness, anguish, hurt, etc. I have also felt extreme joy, happiness, etc, I am discovering what I don't like about myself or what I do like. If I want to eat cake for dinner, then I will (except I will pay for the consequences later). If I want a stronger relationship with the man upstairs, then I seek Him out. I have never felt the world at my fingertips as I do at this time. Do I know where I am going? Not necessarily. Do I know what I want out of life? I know that I (ultimately) want to find a man who is crazy about me and will want to spend forever by my side. He'll love Max, want more children, and most of all, love and cherish me. Is that a lot to ask for?? I feel like this is all completely reasonable... I don't think a man is going to fall out of the sky. He may not be the hottest man on the planet, clean, or organized. Maybe his cooking will be awful. Yet, I'm ok with all of that. Those things don't really matter. What does matter is that I find a man who will actively seek to become better in life, whether it be emotionally, spiritually, physically, or all of the above. I used to have a completely ridiculous list of all of these qualifications I wanted my future man to have. Now (and I am by no means asking for perfection or for this to happen now) I am more realistic. I am finding to be happy with myself, learning to be a better mother to Max, and hoping that there is a bright future ahead. Living in the past was a misery. Rushing to the future hasn't helped much either. Hopefully slowing down and enjoying my current situation is the best thing I can do to better myself.

Am I scared? Of course, I'm terrified that I'll never find my other half, that he's gotten lost, or fell in love with someone else. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to truly cherish these life moments and lessons I have because I'm so focused on the future. It's a scary world out there. Facing it alone with a child only amplifies that fear. Yet, I know with God on my side I will overcome and be made strong. My fears will be erased and I'll be able to accomplish all that I need to accomplish in order to enjoy my life. I may not be ready for love or whatever. I am ready to go out, have a good time, and just enjoy life. Life is so beautiful. It's the best kind of game to be in beause we have no idea what is going to happen, where we'll end up, or anything like that. It's a constant trial and error that will eventually lead us to where we should be in the first place.

Life is beautiful. I am blessed to have so much love and patience in my life!