Foundation Fell

Have you ever had a chair pulled from under you? Your faith shaken? Or how about having the whole floor from under you just disappear?? My personal foundation shattered years ago. It was nerve-wracking. My eyes were opened to pain that I had never been prepared to experience. In my young ignorance, I feared my entire life was over. I knew I was a good person, so why did this happen to me? Why did my heart have to get broken? Why couldn't God just take all this pain and throw it to Mars and give me the life I had dreamed???
 I had lived my life in accordance to the laws and ordinances of the gospel. I was raised in a home full of laughter, fun, wild, and strict moments. I didn't know what the "real" world held and I had been taught that being in the world (or seeking after worldly things) was evil; this teaching wasn't really from my parents. I heard it from my youth leaders and took it as truth. My parents-they taught us that the world held beautiful things, personal choice was a God-given right, but so were natural consequences to those personal choices. I used to tell my friends that I lived by the Honor Code. It kept me safe. I never had to worry about drugs, alcohol, STDs, pregnancy, none of that. I'm not saying everyone needs to live this way, I had many friends who did participate in all the aforementioned things and we are still great friends. This is just how I was raised. I'm glad that I willingly chose to live that way throughout my youth because I avoided so many incidents and activities that would have caused obvious heartbreaks.

**Flash forward six years: I'm rebuilding my foundation. I decided three years ago that no matter what happened in my life, I would seek to find the good life. I decided that even if I was raising my child alone, I would provide the best life for him and work hard at bettering myself to be the best mother I could be. I knew I could have easily pawned off Max to my parents but in that moment of finding myself utterly alone, my entire focus changed and I devoted 100% of myself to that beautiful child. The mother instinct I lacked finally kicked into high gear and here I am, three years later... Surviving.

I haven't always made the best choices. Recently, I got hit with a tank that literally swept me off my feet in the worst of ways. The hardest news I've gotten in a very long time. This made me take a few steps back and re-evaluate my life and the foundation I am currently trying to build.

I have failed my God so many times that I feel every prayer consists of "Lord, I am a sinner. Once again I have failed at _____ (insert all sins here)... Forgive me..." The other day I spent a good long time on my knees with tears streaming down my face, confusion ever present all around me, and He gave me peace. He gave me hope. He reminded me that He is very much aware of me, my struggles, my sins, and also of my good works. I felt He was proud of the mother I am becoming; my greatest calling in life and also the most difficult. He wants me to make the right choice, not just for Him but for ME too. I am not one to sit here and testify and cry from a pulpit with a bible in hand. That's just not me. Religion has been a very personal journey for me and I know I should share more all the time, it's just not something that rolls off the tongue that easily. You have read my doubts, my struggles, and sometimes my lack of faith. But today I couldn't fail to acknowledge that He is ever present, and all knowing. We don't run out of chances when it comes to Him. He lets us come back to Him even after we leave time and time again. I write this to remind myself on those horribly awful days that I am not alone. Even if I face an unknown, unorthodox future, He will always be there waiting for me.

This journey of life is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes I wonder how much heartache I must bear, how many more doubts will arise, how I will make it another day with just Max and I... Then I see a good friend, hear my son's laughter, eat my favorite BBQ, and I know it's all going to be okay. It is more than okay, it is wonderful.