Temporarily Out of Service

The title to this post is exactly how I feel. I have so much to do, I'm doing it all, making it, enjoying it-yes that's right I said "enjoy"- and then... Crash and burn. I crash and burn constantly. It's not my fault that I sound dramatic. The super emotional/dramatic Latina I have been hiding has finally emerged. I blame her completely. She is full of passion and emotion. When she feels, boy does she "feel." Having numb feelings has made this even harder to put up with. I have become more passionate about who I am in the last three weeks than I had in the last 2 years. Every event that takes place (even minor ones) take a huge toll on me. I was dancing and playing with Max the other day, laughing boisterously and singing to the wind and had tears running down my face in thankfulness for my beloved son. How is it that God created us to feel in such a way that we are moved by emotion?? I don't understand. I'm 100% sure Max got the short-end of the stick with everything that has been going on. I see how he stares at other children with their fathers and it breaks my heart. I see how he lights up when he knows his daddy is going to come to town to be with just him. He is proud of his daddy and loves him oh so much. I am happy for that. He deserves to know that his parents love him and of course, he deserves the very best in all things.

I don't like not knowing what is going to happen in life. While I've been applying to law school, I'm not sure it will work out how I wish it would. I've been contemplating very heavy subjects lately, and one of those is in regards to my education. At one point in my life I was very naive. I thought I could have it all: the perfect house, talents, body, husband, kids, job, etc. Experience has taught me that I don't need to have it all in order to be happy. I need "enough." I need a roof over my head, food in my belly, a job to pay the bills, and my son. Those are the essentials. I can be happy with minimal things. I always considered myself a low maintenance person (I used to take it didn't take a lot to make me happy, just clean sheets and a ham sandwich) and I think I drifted from that in creating my perfect life. Well, life isn't perfect and we all know that I am the least perfect person. Not a good combination (ha!).

I think that law school might not work out (oh wait, I already said that). I'm not saying I don't have the capabilities or talents or bringing myself down for any means. My priorities have changed. It's no longer just about me. It stopped being about me five years ago but now, for sure, without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, I know it's about Max. His needs, his wants, his dreams, his life. I've been thinking a lot (so now you know I haven't been sleeping at all since I overthink too much) and I think I might get my MBA. Are you surprised? Could it be because I hated business my whole life?? Yeah. Me too. I didn't ever think I would go into that field. Now, it looks like an interesting challenge I can tackle. I can accomplish. Best of all, I may be able to succeed. Talk about a shift in life!! Holy!! It feels right. It feels appropriate. I'm not saying I'm not pursuing law school. I would love to go. It is my lifelong dream! So why not pursue it?? Many single moms do it and succeed! Or there is the "don't give up on your dreams, don't be a quitter, don't put it off, etc" advice I have already gotten an earful of... See, I have a marvelous boy that needs me. He needs me more than anyone else has ever or will ever need me. He's going through a hard time right now and I have to focus on his needs and his wants. I'm not sorry at all for this shift. I'm kind of excited! I've been studying for the GMAT and it seems pretty intimidating but my study skills were sharpened by studying for the LSAT and maybe that is why I had to take it. I know God believes in me, my parents believe in me, and Max is my number one fan. I know I can do amazing work and that I am good at what I do. The Lord blessed me with certain skills (and then I fail in other things I wish I could do) but I have to take what I have and use it to the best of my ability.

I don't know why things happen, I am finally breaking down the failures of the last five years, and I'm finding hope. I still get frustrated as a double parent. I can't be the "nice" one. I am also the "strict-no-nonsense-fun-loving-funsucker-loving-doting-reprimander" in my little family. I hate changing diapers but work 40+ hours a week and haven't been able to train my stubborn boy. I feel weird when I see all of my best friends with their eternal companions and beautiful children. I am not necessarily jealous of what they have; I had it once and that opened my eyes to a whole set of other problems (negative nancy anyone??). I understand no one is perfect and they all have trials. They just seem to all handle theirs with much more suave than I did. I hate dreaming at night because my dreams involve things I cannot have at this time. "If life were easy, then it wouldn't be hard..." I haven't had a coke in 2 weeks. THAT IS HARD. I have a frustrated little boy that is starting to understand that what he has is different from what other kids have. I will have to explain that to him someday and that someday is going to creep up on me when I least expect it. THAT IS HARD. I love him. I wish that were enough to sooth the questions in his chocolate baby eyes. But I know it won't be. That will be a hard day for the both of us. Children grow out of innocence and I am prepping for the day that I will have to answer all of his questions. I will do it. As hard as it will be, I am preparing for that day that we sit down and speak amongst ourselves; he as the questioning son, I as the answering mother. I love him.