MARCHNESS

Well, the winds and storms have begun. With the way last year went, I'm sure we'll be under Tornado warnings until June. Ugh... I actually miss March in Idaho (did I just say that???). Considered I used to be buried under 6 feet of snow (on a good winter) I do miss March out there. It was predictable. There are no tornadoes in Rexburg. The wind is always blowing so it's not much of a surprise. These next few weeks are going to be annoying because I am driving to California, it will be a fun trip, and I don't want the weather to ruin it. Why didn't I buy tickets and fly there?? I didn't think I was going to California until about a week ago. I'm awesome at travel plans in case ya'll couldn't tell. Anyway, I am sad I didn't really get to use my winter gear and I miss the snow and frozen iceburg. Come this summer, I'll be wishing I was in the 65 degree summers out there too but I should remember how I longed to be home for the 100 degree weather. Humans, we can't ever be pleased!! I think nostalgia always sets in during this month. Just three years ago I was eagerly awaiting for my "baby one" to get here.

I had pink everywhere and I was so excited for a little girl that I could have burst! We had narrowed "her" names down to: Sophia, Elena, Leilani, Magdalena, AnnaLee (my first choice but then I changed my mind). I remember all the questions and doubts. I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into... But I didn't care! I knew it was going to be hard but I was excited anyway. I can laugh at myself now because I was so young and fresh. I had nooo idea what the next two years would bring to me. I can also laugh (now!!) at the fact that I had a boy. Boy oh boy!! I was floored! We didn't have names picked out (Justin wanted Rocky or Thor) and I wanted Spanish names of course. We settled on Maxfield Byron. Not Spanish. At all. But Maxfield is named after several awesome Max's I have loved in my life as well as a well known painter. The name fits him. This month holds the beginning of a crucial, pivotal moment of my life. My whole world was turned upside down (in the best of ways) and my life changed completely. I look back at those fond memories I have and smile at all of my terrible theories. I thought I would be a completely awful mother because of my fear of kids. I always said "kids can sense your fear." Any little child under the age of 5 could look me straight in the face and cry. I don't know if I'm ugly or if they sense my lack of motherness. No clue. Anyway, I haven't been too awful at this motherhood thing. My child still kisses and hugs on me. He has to be within a 1.5 ft radius of me, holding on to my clothes, or completely next to me. It's a good thing we are latin and love each other or else I would be completely creeped out by how close this child wants to be. I am thankful for that. I love him so.

I started this blog out to explain my feelings of the anniversaries this month holds for me: it holds Justin's birthday, Max's birthday, my parent's wedding anniversary, some of my bffs' birthdays, and the day that changed my life forever. No big deal. I got through Justin's birthday pretty well. My parents' anniversary is today and it's not hard to handle like I thought it would. They represent everything I always thought I would have: a beautiful family, love for one another, and longevity. I see them and I feel my heart warm at what they have. True love. Of course I'm in tears as I write this post; I want to believe that one day I will find someone who will cherish me as my father cherished my mother and his daughters. Is it much too soon to worry about this?? Yes, most definitely. Spring represents so many things for me.

Seven years ago on the 13th I got my first kiss! I know a lot of people don't remember their first kiss but I am and have always been a romantic. Was it magical?? Of course! I practically flew to my car, haha. Was it romantic?? Kissing in the middle of H-O-R-S-E is really not that romantic but that was the best game of horse I had ever played! I was the last one of my friends to get kissed and I held out as long as I could (that sneaky boy!). After that kiss I realized what all the fuss was about :). I have kissed a few boys since then. At the time, I had no idea that it would lead to years of friendship with one of the best men I know. He's been a constant in my life and I know we will always be friends. Even if we're the grouchy old people who snap at each other! It's a good thing he doesn't read blogs because I'm pretty sure he would not like to read this!! Haha. Oh well, it's my blog.

I've been reading a friend of a friend's blog (doesn't that get confusing) and decided to start reading her blog from the beginning. Her words have been a true comfort during these hard moments I have experienced. I've never met her but we are connected through religion, Idaho, and the fact that we are both mothers. She lost her little girl a few years ago and since then has started a website for loss and she also helps parents get headstones for their children. She has gone through so much and still she marches forward in faith. I probably shouldn't read it because I keep wanting some Xanax afterwards but her raw emotions keep me wanting to read more, to discover how to overcome any form of awfulness we go through, and I'm addicted. I wish I knew how to post a link because I would share. She truly is incredible. I want to do something like that too. I had the opportunity to help another young wife who went through similar things I experienced (my marriage breakdown is something I'm not ready to share publicly) and I wrote her a simple letter. That letter helped her in ways I never thought possible. It was during this time that I realized I didn't have to change the world in order to make a difference. I could change one life and with that, help the outcome of many generations.

There is too much beauty in the world to get wrapped up in the ugly parts of it. - I keep telling myself this. I can make the choice to be happy every single day. It is a fight and a struggle for me. It's hard to believe since I was the one always shouting from the mountain tops, laughing uncontrollably, and seemed to have my life together. This last experienced aged me a little bit; I'm ready to have that uncontrollable Ruby part back.

I miss making people laugh. I miss my dear friends out in the Motherland. I miss having a baby in my belly. I miss being young and carefree. I miss my "no-fear" attitude. I miss my confidence (although I am getting it back because I have a small waist and awesome boobs!! haha, step 1:check!) I miss singing. I miss performing. I miss my girlfriends that are scattered all over the U.S. and on missions and Tuesday in Italy. I miss having a companion. I miss staying at home with my little one.