Alabama, Arkansas... UTAH!

I finally cracked the best chocolate chip recipe, courtesy of Emily in PG, UT

I went to my old stomping grounds. GUYS, who knew SLC would be like the most modern, hipster place outside of the bay area? Not this old girl. I was pleasantly surprised to find all my sweet little nuggets (along with new gold mines). I ate my weight in Cafe Rio, frolicked through temple square, checked out the new mall next to the temple and tried to remember my first visit. 11 years ago, I was in a different place with another ideology and I thought I would feel regret - or something but I felt the same as before, nothing more, nothing less. I guess I was waiting for some huge, triumphant feeling to hit me. Instead, I felt peace with myself.

Do people in cities know the beauty of western sunsets?

For the last few decades, I have tried to live the best I can and be a good example. Somewhere in the midst of living, I got lost and started to fight myself. I was living the life others' wanted me to live and doing it in the worst way I could because it led to a life of co-dependency, people pleasing and compromise. I didn't know where I began and the other person ended- let me tell you this makes for murky friendships/relationships. I was afraid to be myself because my complexity would show and then perhaps other people wouldn't accept me for who I was- a confusing, perplexed, anxiously engaged person. I lost people I valued along the way simply because I didn't choose to live exactly like them. Or I refused to not have it all. Can't we have it all, according to what we need in life?!

I miss them, sometimes. The people that I left behind. My life in the west included a lot of these perplexed feelings of living another person's life. It wasn't until I met my Brazilian sisters that I learned the beauty of having it all- the feijoada, pao de queso, and dancing. They saved me, from my crippling spiral down the hole of depression and helped me to find myself. Jess and Cami- my friends that became my sisters helped me find a way to escape my life without even knowing it. They gave me hope.

Flash forward a decade and I'm barely starting to understand how it all works- the part where I'm true to myself, honor my boundaries and don't compromise. People that love you won't make you change your entire self to fit their bill and those that see you struggling will stick by to offer a shoulder to cry on. Am I guilty of casting my views on others? Sure, sometimes I wish everyone could be a full fledged democrat that stands for social good and strives for equality for all under the law. Unfortunately, we aren't there yet. I do have to give it to Utah, it surprised me with its progressive people (Salt Lake City, anyway) and the Mormons were as nice as I remember.

The good news--- my heart didn't hurt when I explained my faith transition to strangers and more importantly, my best friends. The bad news--- I hope to eventually stop the need to feel like I need to explain myself to others. I don't owe anyone an explanation to live how I want to, authentically with no remorse for the past and a bright hope in the future.

Love to you all,
Rubs

I went on a hike in the mountains and couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous sunrise.