Many Firsts. Again.

I haven't dated in five years. I married my first boyfriend (met him five years ago to be exact) and I never EVER dreamed that I'd be back to square one. Well- let me tell ya... It is a rough world out there for single women. I didn't understand until I became one again. The pickings are slim (not that I'm looking for a husband right now) and they get especially slim when word gets out that you were married once and have a child. I mean, this should make dating easier for me. It weeds out all the guys that can't handle a divorced/single mom. The fact that there have been men brave enough to ask me out after knowing this about me still amazes me. I mean... If the roles were reversed, I'm not sure I would date a divorced/single dad. There is this part of me that says "of course you would! you would never judge a person based on those things..." Then there is the other part of me that says "you were very judgemental and wouldn't have considered it." For the sake of giving myself the benefit of the doubt, I'm going to go with the first thought. I mean there are very nice cute men who have a past. Who doesn't have a past??

Over the last few months I started to date again. I was set up with a great catch by a good friend (thanks S!). It went well... Yes, past-tense here. I panicked. Mostly because I have a deer-in-the-headlight-look on my face. I mean, poor guy. I don't mean for that look to come upon my face; it just starts to creep up on me and before I know it, BAM, it hits me. It always happens after the date starts to go off well. I am enjoying myself and the company I am with. I know that I look really great in the outfit one of my friends or sister picked out. I feel like my swag is in full gear and I totally have a handle of the situation. Within this time that I'm recognizing how well the date is going, my subconscious starts to stir up old memories of what I had before. It reminds me of my awkwardness around the male specie. It is annoying. Right as I'm loving the moment, I realize that I am starting to find my happy again... and then, it crashes and burns. The look starts to come upon me and suddenly I am terrified. What if this guy is just a jerk? What if he seems to be incredible and he breaks my heart? He seems so perfect, there has got to be something wrong with him... I just can't figure it out... The list is endless, really.

If there is anything I have realized in the last few dates is that I can't solely judge a book by its cover. I am surprised to have gone out with a handsome man and to actually draw attention. I have never been one to draw attention to myself in that way. I am perfectly content hiding out behind a book or with a group of people. Who would have guessed that wearing the right dress size, a haircut. and nails would make a world of difference? Not me.

I have survived my first dating days and have only had a few freak out moments. I am trying not to break every scene that happens into small little things that really don't mean anything. I am so grateful for my friends who have put up with me calling and venting and freaking out. I forgot how stressful dating is. I guess I better leave the swag on permanently for the next few years.

I'm really not looking for marriage. Dating has been fun because I'm finding out what I like, what I don't like, and I know for sure what I want to have.

Things not to discuss on the first date:

1. your fears

2. how much money you make

3. how much money your parents make

4. your ex( ex boyfriend, girlfriend, husband)

5. your pet peeves

6. past transgressions of any sort

7. people you hate

8. politics

9. sports

Things to discuss on the first date:

1. things you like

2. positive thoughts

3. music

4. things that are important to you

5. goals/dreams (but don't go into it saying i can't wait to have four kids and a dog)

6. sports

7. hobbies

8. your job

9. this isn't discussing but- be yourself. if you pretend to be someone you're not... they're bound to find out eventually.

I'm still figuring this all out, I just wanted to get the word out that although I am rusty, it hasn't been that bad.

-Ruby