Contemplating

I've started to contemplate the validity behind my rationalizations. See, I just turned 24 yesterday. 24!! I am nowhere near my 10 year plan. In fact, that was a hit and miss for me.

My 10 yr. plan included: going to BYUI, graduation, going on a mission, going to grad school, finding a husband, and eventually birthing my first child at 28.

What actually happened the last 6 years: went to BYUI, got married, had a baby, graduated, left Idaho, got divorced, and now I'm starting my life over... Yeah... I lose. I had an interesting experience to go with this. I was watching my family yesterday and thinking of how times had changed. My life revolves around constant work and single motherhood. I love being a mom. In fact, my heart has softened towards what I think a "mother" should be able to do. Sometimes I get pretty discouraged when I realize that another woman is raising my child. I want him to be healthy, know that his parents love him, and regardless of whatever happened between his parents, that he is our number one priority. I went through a phase where I would just close my eyes and wish I could rewind to four years ago. I have realized that I don't need to wish for that. There is no sense in going back. As much as I wish my 19 yr. old self hadn't made such dumb choices, she grew up and I'm proud of how she handled a lot of things (yes I know I'm speaking in 3rd person here). I am different from the woman I planned to be. I have found more compassion, learned the art of working hard, and finding myself turned out to be a difficult feat. It's easy to say I know I'm loved and that I have a Father in Heaven. It's hard to implement those things in my life to help me feel constantly loved. I am walking with blinders on right now and I don't know where I'm going to end up. I don't know that my dreams will come true. But what I do know is that the Lord will guide me every step of the way and He will carry me when He needs to. That still doesn't make this journey easy. It's times when I'm up cleaning puke and changing diapers when I miss companionship the most. It's not easy carrying this load on my shoulders.

"Hi. I'm Ruby. I'm a perfectionist." Some people may not see this as a problem but have a kid on your own and you'll realize it's a HUGE problem. My room is constantly messy. It's not because I never clean it but because my child feels the need to change his outfit four times a day. He loves to go through all his clothes and throw them all over the room. He pulls out toys and somehow figures out how to toss them every which way. At first, it drove me crazy. Now, I do what I can and try not to stress about it. I love this child more so than I have ever loved anyone on the phase of the planet. I want to give him the best life. Today I am a little tired, a little discouraged. I have been sick for two weeks and haven't had time to get better. I'm on the go 24/7 and I'm lucky to get 6 hours of sleep. Yet, I wake up every morning, look at my son and feel so much love that my heart could burst. He is worth every sacrifice. I think this is why I think dating is a waste of my time. I don't have time. The precious time that I do have I want to spend with my little man. There is also that scared side that knows that if I date, I run the risk of liking that person, which turns into a larger liability because he may break my heart. I know I can't live thinking like this, but let's be practical people??!! How many of you actually enjoyed dating?? Yeah, I did too... When I was 19 and there was no worry in the world! I have to think for two people, what would Max think of the guy? would he be good for him? how does this guy react to children? is he a long term/shortterm kind of guy? ... I wasn't very picky last time in my selection and I feel like this time there are no "ands, ifs, or buts" about it. I have to be very careful in the choice of my future spouse because: 1. i will never get divorced again and 2. he has to be willing to give me more babies and let me stay home. Is that really too much to ask for?? Oh well, I'm 24... I have 6 more years before full panic sets in of not finding a spouse. The romantic part of me(that I have had to keep on lockdown for awhile) thinks that he'll come finding me. The realistic part of me tells me I just need to enjoy my life, better myself, and honestly, everything will fall into place. Want to know a secret?? Sometimes after I put Max down to bed, sing him to sleep, take a hot bath, and get comfy enough to read a book or watch a movie, I wish there was someone to say good night to, someone to share my feelings with, my frustrations, and all that comes with companionship. I've tried to stop myself from thinking about these things because they only make me more stubborn in putting myself out there... But sometimes, the only thought that helps me fall asleep is that one day, I'll have someone to do those things with. And he's going to be gorgeously awesome and smart. He's going to think everthing I do is cute and funny; when we have arguments, he'll always say I'm right (haha ok I know this is irrational). He doesn't have to be rich but does have to have a sense of drive and be a hard worker. He can hate politics for all I care. He can even be a slob and a terrible cook. As long as he falls in love with me and I with him... and he will always treat me with respect and above all love my son, I'll consider myself lucky.

I'll consider myself lucky if he looks like this guy!! So handsome haha.

The last time I got engaged he didn't down on one knee. SO next time, I'm thinking both knees will be a requirement ;)

I'm on the road less traveled. I'm not sure what I'm going to run into. But you should hang on for the ride and who knows?? Maybe one day (in a few years) I'll blog about finding someone who is going to stay around permanently. Until then, you can read about my awkward dates and my blessed life as a momma to the best boy ever!