Trust Issues

I have abandonment/ trust issues. I've never really come out and confessed that and this is a big step for me in the "right" direction. It will also explain why I'm so sensitive about race, being a girl, etc. A long time ago, when I was in high school and the prime of my good looks... I didn't fit in anywhere. What's better than that is I fit everywhere but I couldn't find myself. I wasn't skinny enough for the athletic table. I wasn't geeky enough for the nerd table. I wasn't even Hispanic enough for the Latino table. So, I ate lunch in a classroom with a boy who would change my life forever. I digress.

My first boyfriend was a redheaded boy in the 5th grade. He dumped me after 3 days because I was Mormon and Mexican and he was a baptist. Go figure **Step 1: learn your religion and abide by it. I stopped having boyfriends after him because I believed that we shouldn't steady date anyone until at least 16. Well, 6 years later I turned that marvelous 16 and I was in MAJOR like with a boy. He was so cute, you guys! Dark hair, eyelashes that went on for miles, beautiful blue eyes... Not much in the height section but y'all know I used to have a thing for average height men. I was head over heels. He was LDS. I was LDS. Perfect, right? Except that he didn't want a steady girlfriend because he was going on a mission. I strongly supported that and stuck around, and around, and around. Meaning: I waited around for this guy for 2.5 years. It was foolish on my part because our spring/summer fest ended rather soon but I had never felt that way about someone before. I don't want to blame him but I blame that immature part that didn't want to claim me as "his girl." We hung out on the weekends, every morning, after school, and then at school he wouldn't talk to me. He would ignore me. AND I PUT UP WITH IT. He went on his mission and I went off to BYUI. ** Should I mention the 4 other boys who did the same thing in between this mess?? No one wanted to date a Mexican back then. It's taken me a long time to even admit that I'm Mexican and that makes me sad because I should be proud of where I come from**There were boys at BYUI that liked me. I was a little heavier (that's a whole other post) but that didn't stop me. Some were fun others were not. Then I met the guy I thought was it. My first real boyfriend. He called me all the time, texted me even though I didn't even get texts, and he wanted to be with me sooo badly that I mistook lust for love. Maybe he really loved me. Maybe. Y'all know what happens next and since then... My body issues have never been the same. The man who was supposed to be so infatuated with me thought I was boring, not attractive, and **brace yourself** the big F-A-T word girls hate so much. As in: making me walk home from school, going to the gym, counting calories, etc. Now, I do admit I developed an eating problem for awhile. I would starve myself and I tried to convince myself that I was doing it to save my failed marriage. I became obsessed with exercise regiments and on days that I felt bad... I would, you know, binge eat my guts out. I never got to the purging part. I tried it once and was so grossed out by it I decided right then and there I would rather be obese than throw up food. UGH. Gross. While all of this was going on... I kept eating. He counted calories and I would go to school and binge eat at the Crossroads. He would make sure I would exercise, I'd run up to the crossroads after the gym and eat an entire pizza. Then I wouldn't eat for three days. After that, I started taking a spoonful of cough syrup at night to sleep and calm my nerves. My body was killing itself because DIABETES + EATING disorder = disaster.

I didn't mean for this to turn into an eating disorder post. It's really a trust issues post because I don't trust men who are nice to me. I've ruined many relationships because I would rather hurt the guy before he hurts me first. If a man calls me beautiful I will call him a liar. If a man actually wants to spend time with me then I think there is something wrong with him for wanting to spend time with me. However, the last relationship that was ruined really took a toll on me. So I finally got help. I finally addressed my love issues. I stopped self destructing myself. I had to accept that maybe my taste in men is also a problem. I can't say I want a God-fearing man and go out with every frat boy in Northwest Arkansas. I also had to realize that my entire 4 year relationship was destructive. Most men aren't like that. Good Men don't force women to do things they don't want. Good men aren't abusive emotionally or physically. I'm not saying the aforementioned man was a bad guy. His thought mentality just really messed up my thought mentality. Inadvertently, he helped me to realize my self worth and helped me to see that I really am pretty, no matter what a weight scale says.