What I'm (not) Doing for Christmas

What I'm (not) Doing for Christmas

1. Spending a lot of money on Max's gifts          

2. Focusing on worldly things that lack meaning

3. Stressing about decorations                             

4. Overcompensating for being a single parent

5. Concentrating on what I lack                          

You guys! It's almost December. Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be December. I used to love this entire month because it always led into my birthday month and three months of celebration (November, December, and Jan) are the best way to end the old and start the new. But, as always, I'm dreading the memories that come with December. I'm not ready. I can't! I won't! I refuse! To take the time to acknowledge what happened is to feel weak. I'm strong. I can do hard things. No one can hurt me. I am protected. I am free. I got out! I changed my spiraling course! I am not alone. I am surrounded by love.

I am at a better place. My self worth has grown. I see myself and I know that I'm coming along, slow and steady always wins the race.

So the question of the day is: Why do I still get sad when my life is soo good? I should stand valiantly and face these memories! They can't hurt me! They can't take me back to what it was like before I liberated myself from the destruction that had become my life. I read these words from my journal last night: "... the lights went out today in Rexburg, almost as if the entire town is suffering with my darkness. The minutes the lights went off, I fled. I'm so scared. For once, I wish to be lost and never be found" -December 17th, 2oo9. My very own "D-Day." I used to feel sorry for her, that 22-year-old girl who had no idea what she was dealing with. Now I'm just proud of her. Proud that she graduated with honors in her degree, proud that she took on 21 hours her last semester to graduate (with a 3.8 that semester) and proud that with gut wrenching fear, she had the courage to stand for something. Oftentimes I want to pinch myself because life is good! I am successful at what I do and I am providing for my family. Perhaps facing this month head on will be a good idea.