It's a thing.

I've never hidden my joys and sorrows from ya'll --- and I'm not about to begin now. In the last decade, there have been too many instances to count where I felt lethargic, tired, exhausted and heartbroken. Contrary to my own belief that it was diabetes, I now know better. So what do we do when we know better? We do better. We do right by our partners, siblings and especially children. I've gazed into MB's deep, brown almond-shaped eyes and I swear on what's holy, I can see all that's good in the world. My heart breaks for my short comings and I realize that every mother since the beginning of time most likely experiences this guilt-- I don't know what it is, this stirring that hits my belly and fills me with angst. I fall so short every single day and MB sees me as his mother, it's so simple.

DEPRESSION

I've struggled with so much guilt, a weight of my ancestors' heartbreak bears too heavy on my shoulders and I fear I fail them on the daily-- I don't have a law degree and I'm not fighting injustices. These days, I resent that weight because along with their rich culture, I inherited a string line of their illnesses and one of them is a dark monster, one I learned to ignore with humor, extreme busy-ness and disbelief that I could suffer from such a malignant creature. How is it that a woman who has conquered the unbelievable can be so badly crippled by her own mind? I clearly remember when I began to spiral in 2012. Tragedy struck and I thought the dark cloud was a normal thing. It carried over into 2013 but grad school was an excellent distraction. Even though good things were happening, I ate too much, I couldn't sleep, I was always tired, my blood sugar was low (which causes depressive feelings), and my family was falling apart. Last year, I began it by having panic attacks in the bathroom so I wouldn't freak out Max. Grant it, I didn't know what those were- I thought I was having a hard time breathing. Now I have the words to define those feelings.

When you're feeling like your world is falling apart, your so anxious you can't live in your skin- get help. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't take care of others when you've been treading water and don't know how to get out of the deep end of the pool. Depression is real. Anxiety is a demon and you shouldn't have to do this on your own. It's too hard to do it alone.