How to set boundaries for mental clarity

Boundaries are personal physical, emotional and mental guidelines implemented to protect ourselves from others. It's taken me nearly my entire life to learn how to navigate through setting boundaries to help me feel safe.
*** In my culture, we don't instill boundaries- hence why you'll find us barging into houses without knocking and sitting too close for comfort around each other. I didn't know that I could actually say "NO" to activities because I was always taught to "ACT."

As a self-identified people pleaser  people lover, I've had to learn to set boundaries, even especially with family and friends. When I moved away for grad school, it seemed that my family began to fall apart. It was expected that I would come home as often as possible to help put out the never-ending fires. It was so exhausting because I was emotionally and sometimes mentally carrying my family and I began to feel resentful- that they still got to live their lives and I had to come swoop in to make sure the next tragedy wouldn't destroy us all. I wasn't being true to myself and I got caught up in the drama and other peoples' emotions- to the point where I didn't know where I ended and the other person began. It was eye opening to me that I chose to put MY little family on hold to continue to help my siblings and parents. I don't think they meant for things to go the way they did, we were just surviving together. However, it was draining. I felt guilty for not coming home as much (because I tried to set boundaries and not come home all the time) and I was drowning in my personal life.

I still haven't set perfect boundaries-- but fighting societal norms and beliefs have taught me that I will get there some day-- and I can't wait for the day when I'm completely in control. Here's a list of a few ways to set healthy boundaries, to keep yourself sane and in control of YOUR LIFE:

1. Acknowledge how things make you feel. Did someone's words make your gut uneasy? When you decided to follow through with an activity and it left you feeling drained, did you notice it? Realizing that other's actions or words affect us is crucial in learning to identify barriers. I have a hard time speaking with racist people and even though I may have known them for a long time or love them dearly, I don't put up with their words anymore.

2. SAY IT Loud & PROUD. I'm always afraid of hurting others' feelings because I'm really good at soaking up their feelings (especially the negative ones, ugh) and frankly, I didn't want to deal with the uncomfortable thought of "rattling the cage." Well, after living years with regrets of not standing up for myself, I learned to speak my mind. Now, I firmly believe there's a tactful way to go about this. There's nothing worse than a super rude, blunt person speaking their mind in the name of "boundaries" and hurting feelings left and right (it's probably the southern in me).

3. Learn to SET THE BOUNDARY. If your friend needed a place to stay for a few days and ended up full blown moving in with you, without your consent, it sounds like your boundary was crossed. So, you decide to have the difficult conversation that even though you know they need help, you need to take care of your own issues/family etc. Then you ask them to move out and can even offer resources to find housing.  Even with my friends, I've learned there are some that text, there are others that like phone calls and both sides have mutually agreed to respect those boundaries. One time I called a friend in blubbering pain and she was in the same boat. Kindly, she asked for us to reconnect another time and I completely understood. If someone had called ME in the thick of my despair, I wouldn't have had enough oil to share with her. I was barely keeping my lamp on.

4. VALIDATE YOURSELF. Your emotions are valid. Be kind to yourself. Realize that everyone is fighting a battle, including YOU. If someone struggles with your decision to set a boundary, you may feel guilty but that's not an issue for you to deal with (at the moment). They will need to learn to deal with their own stuff. You need to be true to YOU. I can't say that enough. I'm a certified, high honors, ivy-league Yes MAN. I never learned how to say no. It wasn't in my culture, religiously or ethnically. Though it's been very difficult to walk away from my religious battles, I've found a lot of peace in learning to say no and in realizing I don't believe what my friends/family believe in and still making space for all of us to love each other. My spirituality is personal and simply that, mine.

Have you ever had a difficult time setting boundaries? Share what you learned below!

All my love,
Rubs