I Did A Hard Thing.
"Hi Journal,
My name is Ruby. I'm 22 years old. I have a fantastic kid and I recently graduated from college. I'm not afraid to give MB the world. I've lived in fear for so long, I don't know what it's like to be at peace. I think in a few days, I will find the solace my soul has been seeking...'
I did a hard thing the other day, whether out of curiosity or madness I'm not entirely sure. I went back and read a journal I secretly wrote in nearly 8 years ago. It was interesting to read the musings of my "old soul" and see how far I've come. However easy it may appear to the outside world, my insides were churning for a significant part of my 20's. I became a young mother and grasped fiercely onto that role--- I will always fight for my son and his right to a just life--- and haven't always fought so valiantly for myself. Perhaps there was a part of me that believed I deserved emotional and physical trauma because women like me, with opinions and curves, needed to be kept in check. Women like me- the dangerous type that venture too far off the path and lead others astray- are a threat to the society I was raised in. It's not easy to admit I felt this way for many years and fought to remain within the constraints of my beliefs. The times I did venture outside the safe zones, I was hurt badly enough to remind me that adventures can lead to severe pain.
Flash forward to the future where now I know that sometimes things turn awry no matter what path someone takes, pain is part of the journey, and unfortunately no one will leave this life unscathed. Yet, I have the firm belief that standing for love will some day pay off. When I found myself penniless, crying in an Albertson's parking lot with only enough formula for baby Max, I never thought that girl would finish undergrad with zero debt (and honors). I never believed I would go to grad school and see new parts of the world. I never thought I would find happiness in myself, my future and experience absolute joy. I wish I could tell younger Ruby that life gets better, she'll become stronger and even when she feels so broken, she will find the strength to keep going.
I fight every day to give my son a better life.
I fight every day to raise him as a feminist.
I fight for women to find financial independence.
I fight for women to leave abusive situations.
I fight for women of color.
I fight for what my ancestor's could only dream of.
Even when I lost nearly all hope, the universe kept things in flux. Kind people were brought into my life, I was reminded of my own worth and eventually- and very recently- I was able to cut some of the ties that had once filled my life with dread. How do we know we are captured when we refuse to remove the bandage from our eyes?
You know, there are times I'm still scared of men, the ones that walk up too quickly or swing their arms swiftly. It is my sincere hope that I won't always bear the scars that have made me distrustful of people or suffer through PTSD. I've lived with fear for too long and I'm ready, for once, to live life on my own terms under my own beliefs. I've danced with the devil once or twice in my life-- enough to know it just wasn't for me. Perhaps this is why I've opened the door to a part of me I've kept hidden from everyone and now that's its fully open, I can't shut it.
There is hope and it shines brightly upon us. Better days are on their way and I leave you with a prayer from one of my dearest, most cherished friends that got me through my darkest journey. Our late night chats led to several discoveries, openness and a bond that we once shared over oreos, basketball and AP Lit.
My name is Ruby. I'm 22 years old. I have a fantastic kid and I recently graduated from college. I'm not afraid to give MB the world. I've lived in fear for so long, I don't know what it's like to be at peace. I think in a few days, I will find the solace my soul has been seeking...'
I did a hard thing the other day, whether out of curiosity or madness I'm not entirely sure. I went back and read a journal I secretly wrote in nearly 8 years ago. It was interesting to read the musings of my "old soul" and see how far I've come. However easy it may appear to the outside world, my insides were churning for a significant part of my 20's. I became a young mother and grasped fiercely onto that role--- I will always fight for my son and his right to a just life--- and haven't always fought so valiantly for myself. Perhaps there was a part of me that believed I deserved emotional and physical trauma because women like me, with opinions and curves, needed to be kept in check. Women like me- the dangerous type that venture too far off the path and lead others astray- are a threat to the society I was raised in. It's not easy to admit I felt this way for many years and fought to remain within the constraints of my beliefs. The times I did venture outside the safe zones, I was hurt badly enough to remind me that adventures can lead to severe pain.
Flash forward to the future where now I know that sometimes things turn awry no matter what path someone takes, pain is part of the journey, and unfortunately no one will leave this life unscathed. Yet, I have the firm belief that standing for love will some day pay off. When I found myself penniless, crying in an Albertson's parking lot with only enough formula for baby Max, I never thought that girl would finish undergrad with zero debt (and honors). I never believed I would go to grad school and see new parts of the world. I never thought I would find happiness in myself, my future and experience absolute joy. I wish I could tell younger Ruby that life gets better, she'll become stronger and even when she feels so broken, she will find the strength to keep going.
I fight every day to give my son a better life.
I fight every day to raise him as a feminist.
I fight for women to find financial independence.
I fight for women to leave abusive situations.
I fight for women of color.
I fight for what my ancestor's could only dream of.
Even when I lost nearly all hope, the universe kept things in flux. Kind people were brought into my life, I was reminded of my own worth and eventually- and very recently- I was able to cut some of the ties that had once filled my life with dread. How do we know we are captured when we refuse to remove the bandage from our eyes?
You know, there are times I'm still scared of men, the ones that walk up too quickly or swing their arms swiftly. It is my sincere hope that I won't always bear the scars that have made me distrustful of people or suffer through PTSD. I've lived with fear for too long and I'm ready, for once, to live life on my own terms under my own beliefs. I've danced with the devil once or twice in my life-- enough to know it just wasn't for me. Perhaps this is why I've opened the door to a part of me I've kept hidden from everyone and now that's its fully open, I can't shut it.
There is hope and it shines brightly upon us. Better days are on their way and I leave you with a prayer from one of my dearest, most cherished friends that got me through my darkest journey. Our late night chats led to several discoveries, openness and a bond that we once shared over oreos, basketball and AP Lit.
"I do not pray but I pray for you. That someone will breathe enough life into you so that you can breathe life into MB and that that will be enough for now."- ZC
Now go listen to Ed because I'm obsessed. Freaking Sheeran fills my heart with hope.
Comments