I Misspoke

Every little Thing is Gonna be Alright

Ok, so I claimed to come all out on my 100th post. But honestly, I don't think there's much to talk about. My life is really not that exciting. I also realized that I don't need to confess everything on a blog strangers and friends can read. My friends know what has happened in my life in the last year, and that's all that matters. I've been through a lot of trying times. Satan knows how to get to a family and he's cunning. He tried to ruin my life. Pretty much the story of the last year. But I hung on to the gospel with everything I had and now, I am a new and improved Ruby. I know what I stand for. I'm grateful that I stuck to my values and principles. With the gospel, two things happen. 1.) you embrace it for all it's worth and work every single day to become a better person or 2.) you go innactive because church is a lot of work.

SHOUT OUT TO my FAMILY:

I know families can be together forever. I know that Christ atoned for our sins. I'm so thankful of the love and support I have received from my family. I wouldn't be at this stage of life if I hadn't had the full backing of my family.

SHOUT OUT TO MY BEST FRIENDS:

Where to begin?? Late night chats, daily phone calls, fasting and praying, constant encouragement, venting galore... The list is endless. It's still a relief to know that I can call someone and have them be there for me. I lost many friends in the last year (which seriously, broke my heart) but that was their choice.

What's the most difficult thing: The hardest thing for me is having been judged for what happened. People who didn't know me or the situation were completely awful. I used to go home in tears after church nearly every Sunday. I think that was my tough situation. I wanted to please everyone. I wanted people to be proud of me and I wanted them to be kind. I didn't expect such a negative backlash but people are only human and predisposed to their natural man tendencies.

Saying divorce is such a cliche and it was hard to finally come out and say that word. I am divorced. There is no way around it. I can't avoid the question any longer. Yet, I have the sure knowledge that if I do what is best, I will be ok. Does that make me feel better? Only on good days. I miss the life I planned to have. There's another confession. I think it's easier to say it on blog than it is to come out and say it to the world (aka facebook). I never planned to be divorced in MY LIFE. I mean, I'm definitely pro-families. I don't think my family has had a true divorce in the last 400 years. Staunch catholicism got in the way of that for my ancestors and I'm sure a lot of them were crazy in love with each other such as my parents. At first, I would justify the divorce to my best friends. I felt like I had to tell the whole world about my pain. Then I stopped and realized: this is a choice no one else can make but me. So no one else should really know the details but the three parties involved.

I can't wait for the day that my heart doesn't hurt; or to be able to sing "Families Can be Together Forever" without bawling through the last two verses. I've been primary pianist these last few weeks and every other song they sing is about Families and Temples. Two things I definitely believe in and have strong feelings about. So, I sit behind the piano and cry.

I am grateful to have the Spirit in my life. Through all of this I have drawn closer to my Father in Heaven more so than ever in my whole life. He's been my constant guide and provided much needed comfort. He has not forsaken me. I know I sound really religious and preachy-ish right now, but really, I am an imperfect person who has true Faith and a testimony of Jesus Christ. To not share that with all ya'll in this post would be to deny all the Love my Father has given me throughout my life and especially during these hard times. He has carried me.

I'm focusing on: Max, education, work. I really hope I get into law school or a grad school program. I'm so nervous about going back to school but it feels right. Do I have any desires to date? That would be a very staunch NEGATIVE. I know many people who start dating as soon as they sign the papers, but my slight catholicism culture (hispanic-ness) tells me I need to take it really really slow in that department and fix myself. Just thinking about this topic makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, yeah I'm sure eventually it will happen. But as of today, my swift answer is a no. So for those of you that were thinking of mentioning your best friend's brother, sister-in-law's older siblings brother, or any form of brother to me, I have a couple of girlfriends looking for husbands and I can send the word out. I have one little man that owns my heart and that is enough for me :).

Starting over: Starting over sucks. I don't have a better way of saying it. Who likes to start over? Not this creature of habit. It was really hard to adjust to being the working single mom. First, I loved being home with my baby. Second, I was really adjusting to my staying at home life. There's never a dull day. I do like that I'm advancing at my work and getting to know some top dogs at the state level. I like training and teaching people. I love that I can take a day off for being sick or for little Max. It's not ideal but then again, I'm sure most moms feel the same way when they have to leave their kiddos at home. I am not alone in this. It's sad that there are so many working mothers and it's sad that I too have become part of a growing statistic. Yet, I have the words of the prophets and countless priesthood holders on speed dial to give me blessings and guidance in my life.