You May Not...

"You may not be able to control what happens to you. You can control how you respond to what happens to you, though."- off of lifebylist fellow blogger, EmmaNadine.

I used to feel sorry for myself (I'm awesome at pity-parties if you ever need to have one!) for certain things that happened in my life that I could not control. I hated being singled out for my diabetes and NEVER getting to eat all the good food everyone else would be able to pig out on during Thanksgiving and Christmas. One of my most vivid childhood memories happened in kindergarten. I was sitting next to my diabetic friend Kyle and we both stared at all the other kids during a Thanksgiving feasts. The homeroom moms had brought tons of cherry pie. I had never had cherry pie and had looked forward to it all day long. Well, back in my day, teachers didn't understand that you could have cherry pie as a diabetic, you just had to alter your medication. No, these teachers just assumed pie=bad for Ruby and Kyle. So while the other kids ate on, I was handed a slight piece of crust. CRUST. As in the flaky stuff that taste like junk without anything good on it (probably why I hate crust, to this day...). I went home and cried that day because I didn't get to taste pie.

Now, fastforward 19 years later. I no longer worry about the food I can or cannot eat. My body found a way to heal itself and diabetes doesn't really bother me anymore (except during holidays, birthdays, stress days). I've learned to deal with the signs (or just bought tons of aleve for headaches). There is always an adjusting period in all things. I'm currently adjusting to my role as breadwinner and double parenting. I work 40 hours a week and once I'm home, I work overtime as well. I don't get weekends off. I don't have an extra pair of hands around to hand Max to when I just need a moment to breathe and it's tiring. Not exactly what I saw myself doing four years ago when I was getting glammed up for my wedding pics. But, life happened. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't fair. Yet, I am adjusting. I have a set schedule. I have an amazing group of girls that I see/eat out with/ call/cry with at least once a month. I have loving parents who help me with my little man and encourage me to have some "me" time. I haven't had a meltdown in a few months, that in itself is a blessing.

The other day I was sitting on a couch being silly and I don't know what was said or what happened but I had a giggle attack. If you know me, you know I could laugh all day long and it's one of my favorite things to do, second to smiling. For the last year, I found it hard to smile. I found it hard to laugh. Everything seemed to have lost it's hilarity effect on me. While I was laughing, I forgot about the issues I've had to deal with. I forgot about my responsibilities that keep me awake at night. For once in a very very long time, I just laughed. However, I was afraid that it would turn into a crazy person laugh that would be followed by tears and then cries... Only because it had been that long since I had laughed freely. It was such a good moment (it didn't turn into a crazy person laugh with tears at the end). I felt like I had received a hug from Heaven and the Father was saying, "it's about time you enjoyed this beautiful life I gave you young lady." Seriously, I totally felt that. It was glorious.

I felt sorry for myself this last year. I felt like I was completely broken and no one would ever want to help put the pieces together. I felt ugly and with that, made myself miserable. Who would ever want a person like me? Obviously there is something wrong with me... I felt like I would never be able to truly laugh or enjoy my life again. Nevertheless, here I am: learning to laugh and enjoy the good and the ugly of life. I miss running my own home, I miss companionship, I miss my dreams and hopes I had since I was a young woman. It's taken me a year and a half to realize that just because I don't have those things in my life right now doesn't mean I won't get to experience them again in the future. I'm sitting here with a huge lump in my throat ( ok, I'm in tears... but the good kind) and I'm ok. I thought a person would run out of tears after crying for so long; I think instead I have a reservation of those because I always feel so much better after I let my emotions out. I'm finding joy in every step and I'm feeling triumphant.

This Esther and Stephanie (me and leanna). It has been fun to catch up with Esther (childhood friend!!) and get to know Stephanie. It seems like I've known her and been friends with her my whole life. I love those kind of friendships! Brianna and Emily- we need to take some pics because I didn't think you'd want the ones I have of us up!

These are some of my amazing friends... lin, kels, and leanna. Every month, they listen to me rant and rave about world politics, gossip, and my dreams. Thank you for the love and support and of course, the shoulders to cry on. I couldn't have done this last year without ya'll!love you girlies!

The first time I got to see him with his eyes open. They were the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes I had ever seen and I knew at that moment I was completely in love. My little Maxfield.

I can smile because I am so blessed. I have found my laugh again and I hope never to lose it like once before. I am so blessed for the great family I have and for my sweetheart and love. There is no greater joy than that of motherhood. I can testify of that.