Gut-Wrenching

Today I know that I am selfish. And I'm not sure how I feel about labeling myself as such. This discovery only makes me feel Nervous/ anxious/ worried.

See, I'm starting the new routine that happens with all shared custody parents. Now, this is probably way too personal to blog about, but seeing as to how this is kind of a theraupetic journal for me, I guess I'm about to cross that boundary. Max is going to spend Christmas at his Grandparents house in Colorado. I know he's going to be in great hands, and I know how much he is loved by Justin's family. There's just this part of my heart that breaks at me not spending Christmas with Max. This year is going to be special because he knows what is going on. He understands that Santa brings presents, we're celebrating Jesus' birthday, and he feels the magic in the air. I don't get to be there to see him open up his presents and shout out words of excitement. I don't get to hear him beam about what he got and see him play with all the toys. I could use a little more selflessness right now. It's so important to me that he spends time with his dad and his extended family. I want him to understand that he is soooo loved by so many people. Yet, I'm selfish. I'm sad that I'll be alone for Christmas (well, not really, I have an incredible family and group of people that I'll be spending the holidays with). But my heart will be wherever Max is.

I will be glad that I shared him later on. For now, all I can think about is all the things I'll be missing out on. He's such an incredible little boy and if I could, I would give him the world. Since I can't, I offer him my constant love and support for anything and everything he wants to do. My favorite scripture is ringing in my head "Adam fell that men might be, men are that they might have joy" I may not be at my happy ending for sure, but this is also a good part to enjoy. I'm coming to a good spot. I'm having fun and learning to find myself again. I'm working hard so I can give Max a better life and future. I am so thankful for the sure knowledge that if I work hard and stay faithful, the Lord will not forget me.

He hasn't forgotten me. He's carried me these last couple of months and I know I wouldn't be where I am today if it hadn't been for His constant love and guidance in my life. It's so hard to know all of this and still have a broken heart. Shouldn't I be satisfied with knowing everything will be ok? Probably.