I Have A Job. And Stuff.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I survived a Trump presidency (counting down until he's impeached or leaves office), job searching and I learned that pain is relative. I keep waiting for the day where I wake up as my old, cherubic self and it's a great frustration of mine to wake up and feel that sense of dread-- the kind I've taught myself to live with-- and know that today is another hard day. To be fair, my days are getting better. I can listen to the radio and not cringe from the atrocities happening in the world or from a new terrible Tay Swift song. I'm counting all of these as small victories.

Job searching nearly did me in this year. I spent months working as a contractor, which was fine until it wasn't and I felt so lost. The universe was not pulling in my favor at all, you guys. I swear it was trying to teach me something about resilience and living with pain in my literal corazon. I still don't know if I picked up on the lesson, but I'm proud to say that I landed a job with a great company that allows me to see the world and be a mom. I guess economic development, non-profit jobs will have to wait a few years because I just entered the corporate world with full force.

I know the holidays are difficult for many people. I share my little guy these next few months and as much as he loves to visit his other counterparts, my heart tears a bit to not have him with me. I'm a mother bear and where others would say I sound selfish, I respond that I'm just attached. Is it odd not to know who I was before becoming MB's mother? It doesn't matter anymore. He is mine and I am his- from the moment I held him in my arms and smelled that new baby smell. Being a young mom has its perks- we climbed trees on Sunday- and is also really, really trying. No one tells you that teaching and molding will stretch you to your very core- seriously, let's be honest mommas. 

2017 was nothing like I planned and now that it's coming to a swift end, I feel myself grasping at the last minutes in it to make something more out of this haunting situation. I packed up an entire house and moved home, then traveled the country in search of a job only to find one right under my nose. I left a faith I've defended and fought for over a decade. I journeyed to Salem and embraced my inner bruja. I wrote an excellent piece for the huffpost that helped me through grief. Wouldn't you want to read about a late 20's lady wandering the halls of her home in a bathrobe after losing her entire foundation?? That's something I would totally read! I penned it "I cried on my mother's couch for 10 months in a red bathrobe" because the literal-ness was just too strong to name it anything else. I'd like ya'll to know that I can at least manage the tears now and no longer feel like I can't handle another tragedy (this is not an invitation for final destination to take place!). I can do hard things, I've done them. Lord knows I've had my share of nervous breakdown incidents. Today, I stand before you, a little less shaky, a lot more confident and with a bright hope that things will fall into place. 

Now go home and tell people you love them, hug your children, cherish your partners and don't lose yourself in the daily, mundane rituals. I promise when tragedy strikes, those are the first memories you will miss-- oh how I miss my tiny apartment in North Little Rock, where I gained my sense of pride in self preservation, being on my own and loved re-discovering myself. I miss the tiny pitter patter of feet, MB sounds like a regular guy these days. Most of all, I miss my sense of fulfillment. I'm excited for this new opportunity to do great work and help people live better lives. I'm hoping it will give me back what I thought I lost last year- myself. 

Y'all- you're worthy of your hearts' desires. Find your passions! 

Sending you all my love from the beautiful countryside --- Rubs


.... now come celebrate with me and some penguins... feat Pitbull.