I Dreamed a Dream...

I graduated from high school five years ago. FIVE!!! I had my whole life planned and I was ready to check off lists of things I was going to do. Then reality happened. None of my plans came out according to how I planned them. But I grew and had some amazing experiences that I wouldn't have gone through if my plans hadn't "backfired." I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, even if we find out years later what that reason is. I'm finding myself in a better place today. I am a better woman today than I was one year ago. I think that's part of the reason we're here. It's to become better. I've also experienced soooo many trials and tribulations in the last five years; things that a little 18 year old would have never imagined or planned for. I think of her, my younger self, and wish I could write her a letter to remind her that life is beautiful, regardless of the trials that befall us. I know that I wasn't equipped to handle difficult things at that age. I was so young, carefree, and innocent (about a lot of things). The world was always sunny and trials sounded like fun challenges. Even now, I know I'm not old. But I have changed and evolved in a way.

I used to miss my old self so much. The spontaneous, loud, obnoxious me. I wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. I tried all sorts of things just because I could. I remember eating my first raw oyster. I did it for the thrill of it because they looked disgusting but all I can recall of that moment was thinking, "well if I don't like it I won't eat it again... bottoms up!!" Or the time Sally and I drove the car as fast as we could to see how fast it would go (not our brightest moment, but we were blessed b/c nothing happened). I remember being so carefree that I didn't always think about how my parents would feel regarding my decisions. I never realized that after leaving me 2,000 miles away at college, my mom would cry because she missed our conversations. I didn't realize that when dad would ground me it was because he was just too worried about me falling in love with the wrong person.

I had that tendency from the beginning: falling in love with the boys who always ended up breaking my heart. Grant it, I fell in "love" on a weekly basis. It's true. My journal holds four years of crushes and love letters I never delivered. Crushes who diminished after days or others that lasted years. I loved so easily and once you became my friend, you were my friend forever. I still miss my old self sometimes because life was so much easier. I wouldn't go back. I've given it much thought and if we could go back, I know there would be some instances I would completely replay (my first kiss) and others I would completely ERASE. But I learned things from those experiences.

I looked back today and although I have tears in my eyes, I smile at the tender mercies that have been given to me. I think of how blessed I am to be in this very place at this very moment. I no longer live for just tomorrow but I also take life one day at a time. I haven't seen beauty like this in such a long time. My son is my strength. He gives me kisses and laughs with me. He's my buddy and my pal. I'm grateful for everything that led to this very point because I am at ease with who I am. I am proud of myself for sticking with my principles and moral codes I've always lived by. I am proud that I can say I am a good mama and daughter and sister. I see the world through my child's eyes and I dream of who he will be one day. He will be strong. He will be wise. He will be able to be better than I was. He's second generation LDS and I am striving for building my forever. I want him to see how much I love the church not by my words but through my actions. I want him to have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I cannot wait (well I can a little bit) for the day he goes away on his mission.

You know that stupid cliche saying "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened... It's true. Whoever said that actually had some insight when it comes to love and war and heartbreak. I'm no pro in the dating scenes ( I steady dated one person my whole entire life) but I do know that there is supposed to be love, meekness, humility, tenderness, solid foundation, and support. I guess all I can do when I feel like crying or like my life is crashing and burning is smile because I was able to experience those great emotions that come with life. When love happened for me it was fast, incredible, breathtaking, and blissful. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Thanks Father, my dearest Heavenly Father for providing a way for me to become a better person today than I was yesterday. The gospel is true. It was restored. I am so blessed to have it as the center of my life.

Come on crashing and burning moments... It's supposed to get worse before it gets better.

I'm ready for your worst punches because I have exactly what I need to protect myself from all of the trials and desolations of the world.