Overwhelmed
It has been a crazy year. I have been going to school non stop since I had Max to graduate (so I can stay home with my little one)... and well, it has been more than challenging. I don't know how other mothers go to school with more than one child. I admit that I do enjoy learning and such, but I feel terrible leaving my little one every day. I tell myself that at least he's with his dad and not some stranger he doesn't know. However that doesn't do much to ease the pang of guilt I feel every time he runs to me after I come home from school. He trips over himself and claps his hands and yells out "MaMaMa!" At least he doesn't get sick of me, right?
I'm taking a very interesting religion class that has helped me out immensely. My teacher is an amazing man and I feel very fortunate to be in that class. It seems as if I am getting all the answers to life in that class and it's incredible to say the least. I have been very hard on myself for the last couple of months and I just started to realize that a lot of the things I harp myself on are out of my control. I have accepted that with all my flaws, my dear child still loves me and wants to be with me. I am not a bad mother because of my labor experience. I've been blaming myself a lot regarding that, what if I hadn't drank that one coke while I had a headache even if I knew I shouldn't have? What if I had skipped the epidural? What if.... Irregardless of my self doubts, Max's issues are finally getting resolved and with that I am feeling more calm. He met with an incredible doctor a few weeks ago and we were told that he has to have surgery. That was disheartening but we are grateful to get in as soon as we have and to get it over with just as quickly. We are taking him to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake and I know that he will receive the very BEST treatment there is for his issues. I've decided to stop being so hard on myself because that only makes me more cranky and I know it just can't be healthy. Also, I need to get over the fact that I will probably never have a TON of kids. My health isn't where it should be and I'm only 22 years old. Diabetes is definitely a slow process but it has finally started to catch up with me. I can't say that I didn't see that coming; I've been diabetic since I was 5. But I'm done with the pity parties and I am going to live life to the FULLEST! I graduate this summer (finally!!!) and I'm ready to tackle my next challenge...
I have a beautiful family and I don't really have room to complain. I have a boy I'm absolutely crazy about who keeps me on my toes! I love baby kisses and hugs. I love baby clothes and giggles. I love stinky little baby feet that are shaped like little bricks :)...
I'm taking a very interesting religion class that has helped me out immensely. My teacher is an amazing man and I feel very fortunate to be in that class. It seems as if I am getting all the answers to life in that class and it's incredible to say the least. I have been very hard on myself for the last couple of months and I just started to realize that a lot of the things I harp myself on are out of my control. I have accepted that with all my flaws, my dear child still loves me and wants to be with me. I am not a bad mother because of my labor experience. I've been blaming myself a lot regarding that, what if I hadn't drank that one coke while I had a headache even if I knew I shouldn't have? What if I had skipped the epidural? What if.... Irregardless of my self doubts, Max's issues are finally getting resolved and with that I am feeling more calm. He met with an incredible doctor a few weeks ago and we were told that he has to have surgery. That was disheartening but we are grateful to get in as soon as we have and to get it over with just as quickly. We are taking him to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake and I know that he will receive the very BEST treatment there is for his issues. I've decided to stop being so hard on myself because that only makes me more cranky and I know it just can't be healthy. Also, I need to get over the fact that I will probably never have a TON of kids. My health isn't where it should be and I'm only 22 years old. Diabetes is definitely a slow process but it has finally started to catch up with me. I can't say that I didn't see that coming; I've been diabetic since I was 5. But I'm done with the pity parties and I am going to live life to the FULLEST! I graduate this summer (finally!!!) and I'm ready to tackle my next challenge...
I have a beautiful family and I don't really have room to complain. I have a boy I'm absolutely crazy about who keeps me on my toes! I love baby kisses and hugs. I love baby clothes and giggles. I love stinky little baby feet that are shaped like little bricks :)...
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