Tired. Motions. Life. Bleh.
For someone who always seems to have the words to comfort and reach out, I'm out of love today.
I'm emotionally and physically exhausted by the actions in this country and the actions of inconsiderate, selfish people. I am struggling to find a sense of self. I haven't even been able to write in the blog since heaven know's how long because words have escaped me. It seems that the mundane, day-to-day motions have gotten the best of me. Motherhood is trying, especially when the child that once adored me questions everything (I know it's a good thing but sometimes not asking why would be great too). I adore my child, he is everything that is wonderful and beautiful in this world. He's also the most stubborn, bullheaded human I've ever interacted with in this lifetime. Perhaps he reminds me of a younger version of myself and I sigh and grimace. I too will pay for what I did to my parents. I just hope Max will be kinder than I was because the universe knows I had a mouth on me that didn't get me very far in life.
I live in a society that allows for agency, which is great, until it starts infringing on the rights of others. Privilege reeks through generations of time, where men and women have the audacity to do as they please however they want and the repercussions don't fall on their shoulders.
Which brings me to my next point. I'm angry at religious organizations that preach of love and "taking care of fellowmen" YET ARE SILENT DURING THESE turbulent times. They separate us from one another. 50 years ago, I couldn't be in a mixed raced relationship. Today, I can't date outside of the fold because no one wants anyone to be truly happy. CAN WE STOP DIVIDING THE MASSES FOR A SECOND?!
Stop telling me how to live and lead by example.
Are we not exhausted by the lists of do's and don'ts? Fighting with my spirituality has been my cross to bear for the last 14 years and these last 10 months I've grappled with truths that affect everything. I would like to believe that there is something greater than me out there, a loving universal-type of God that can't be defined by man. But today, even that brings me no comfort because society is showing me otherwise. The Christians of this country are not bearing witness, they're not angry. These societal problems don't hurt the cookie-cutters of the world who are only brought to the truth when someone in their family experiences tough times.
How can we live with ourselves when we don't support our fellow brothers and sisters? How can we rejoice when there is so much turmoil in the world?
A few months ago, a really great kid in an extended family died in a freak accident. He was my brother's best friend. He was nearly done with his thesis in mechanical engineering. The kid was gifted, how else could he be so close to a thesis at the age of 20? Today, 6 people in my family are struggling with various cancer diagnosis. These are good hearted people that happen to carry a deadly gene in their bodies. It still makes me mad and it breaks my heart every day. I have another brother that struggles with true addiction and I'm not sure he will see the light of day because every day he is tempted and most days he gives in. I'm afraid of the phone call I'll receive one day, if we don't help him now.
I'm raising a small man in a world filled with anger and hate. He has a band of loyal protectors that love him fiercely and I hope it's enough. MBH has handled life a lot better than me and I hope I can give him the world. He needs to learn he is inherently good. These last few weeks, we have had to hunker down and make some goals. His goal? To make his mom smile and laugh. Oh he melts my heart and reminds me that the best is yet to come. It nearly erases his stubborn streak. I am reminded that he can pick up on my feelings, our connection since the womb has only strengthened over time.
I really thought I would have everything figured out by now but I've realized I don't know anything. I only know that love trumps hate, children need hugs and the healing process can occur without apologies.
I'm emotionally and physically exhausted by the actions in this country and the actions of inconsiderate, selfish people. I am struggling to find a sense of self. I haven't even been able to write in the blog since heaven know's how long because words have escaped me. It seems that the mundane, day-to-day motions have gotten the best of me. Motherhood is trying, especially when the child that once adored me questions everything (I know it's a good thing but sometimes not asking why would be great too). I adore my child, he is everything that is wonderful and beautiful in this world. He's also the most stubborn, bullheaded human I've ever interacted with in this lifetime. Perhaps he reminds me of a younger version of myself and I sigh and grimace. I too will pay for what I did to my parents. I just hope Max will be kinder than I was because the universe knows I had a mouth on me that didn't get me very far in life.
I live in a society that allows for agency, which is great, until it starts infringing on the rights of others. Privilege reeks through generations of time, where men and women have the audacity to do as they please however they want and the repercussions don't fall on their shoulders.
Which brings me to my next point. I'm angry at religious organizations that preach of love and "taking care of fellowmen" YET ARE SILENT DURING THESE turbulent times. They separate us from one another. 50 years ago, I couldn't be in a mixed raced relationship. Today, I can't date outside of the fold because no one wants anyone to be truly happy. CAN WE STOP DIVIDING THE MASSES FOR A SECOND?!
Stop telling me how to live and lead by example.
Are we not exhausted by the lists of do's and don'ts? Fighting with my spirituality has been my cross to bear for the last 14 years and these last 10 months I've grappled with truths that affect everything. I would like to believe that there is something greater than me out there, a loving universal-type of God that can't be defined by man. But today, even that brings me no comfort because society is showing me otherwise. The Christians of this country are not bearing witness, they're not angry. These societal problems don't hurt the cookie-cutters of the world who are only brought to the truth when someone in their family experiences tough times.
How can we live with ourselves when we don't support our fellow brothers and sisters? How can we rejoice when there is so much turmoil in the world?
A few months ago, a really great kid in an extended family died in a freak accident. He was my brother's best friend. He was nearly done with his thesis in mechanical engineering. The kid was gifted, how else could he be so close to a thesis at the age of 20? Today, 6 people in my family are struggling with various cancer diagnosis. These are good hearted people that happen to carry a deadly gene in their bodies. It still makes me mad and it breaks my heart every day. I have another brother that struggles with true addiction and I'm not sure he will see the light of day because every day he is tempted and most days he gives in. I'm afraid of the phone call I'll receive one day, if we don't help him now.
I'm raising a small man in a world filled with anger and hate. He has a band of loyal protectors that love him fiercely and I hope it's enough. MBH has handled life a lot better than me and I hope I can give him the world. He needs to learn he is inherently good. These last few weeks, we have had to hunker down and make some goals. His goal? To make his mom smile and laugh. Oh he melts my heart and reminds me that the best is yet to come. It nearly erases his stubborn streak. I am reminded that he can pick up on my feelings, our connection since the womb has only strengthened over time.
I really thought I would have everything figured out by now but I've realized I don't know anything. I only know that love trumps hate, children need hugs and the healing process can occur without apologies.
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