PURA VIDA

LENT is not always a good IDEA

2012-02-28T07:45:00.003-08:00

I consider myself slightly Catholic by nature. See, I was born a Catholic, baptized Catholic, and my parents come from very, VERY Catholic backgrounds. We are no nonsense type of people, worship regularly (and fervor might I add), and I attribute this to our Catholic background of dedication and commitment. My great-grandmother walked on her knees for two miles to a holy place in order to be healed from epilepsy. Legend has it that after traveling for a week, walking on her knees for two miles, and showing extreme faith and dedication, she never suffered from epilepsy again. Anyway, I digress. I think this 6 week fasting period is fascinating. I think it shows great sacrifice. The last time I practiced Lent, I was in high school and I gave up mayonnaise. Best thing I ever did because to this day, I can't eat mayo (I was addicted to that junk, ewww). I thought it would be excellent to exercise and give up my couch for 6 weeks. I have been doing pretty well. I walked on Sunday with a girlfriend and we had fun. Last night, I walked with my mom at the park. Except, I think I'm supposed to be a lot more hardcore than I have been. Walking really isn't going to get me anywhere.

I HAVEN'T HAD A COKE IN 1 WEEK 5 DAYS...

I feel like I'm dying. I can't believe I was having a RT44 Coke everyday. Sometimes twice a day for productivity. I have been chugging water like crazy. I did cheat and have juice the other day... that was a bad idea. It had some form of carbonation (maybe it wasn't juice???) and I was bloated. SO BLOATED I felt pregnant!!! It was a baaad idea... THIS IS SO HARD. I just have to look on pinterest and see all the bodies I have posted and remind myself that I can look like that too. I just have to be consistent and work hard. Switching on my diet hasn't been too bad. I am eating lots of romaine lettuce, green stuff, blue berries, and oatmeal. I am going to start lifting weights tomorrow, thursday, and friday... And change up my exercise routine a bit.

BRING IT ON...

The Circle of Life

2012-02-27T07:21:00.002-08:00

The constant pattern that God created for us is incredible. We are born, grow, find our soulmates, have babies, grandbabies, die. It's hard to feel insignificant when the world is so large. There are so many people. Yet, these simple lives that people live are incredible. The families formed and the bonds shared are the true blessings we are here to experience. Our family experienced a loss over the weekend. A dear cousin passed away after fighting the good fight with cancer. It was hard for me to see the hurt in my father's eyes as we discussed what would take place. Now, my daddy is a country away, saying goodbye for the last time. During these times, I never know the right words to say. "I'm sorry..." Doesn't seem to do the pain and hurt any justice. Death is a natural part of life. It's always when that natural part is broken that the pain tears through families. Parents are not supposed to bury their children, young widows shouldn't be burying their spouses, the list is endless.

I have a great belief when it comes to family and the eternal perspective behind them. I don't understand the in's and out's of everything, but I do know that I have gained a testimony behind eternal families. I didn't always know that families could be sealed together. It is such a kind blessing to know that I will be reunited with my loved ones across the veil.

I wish I could share this with my friends and family. I wish they would understand why it is that I can never fall away from the church. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the foundation I am trying to build my house on. Families are the centerpiece of this grand masterpiece created by a loving Father who wants us to find the incredible joys He knows we will find if we work in His vineyard. I can never fall away because I have come to understand some underlying principles that are the basework for happiness. Part of me wishes I were strong enough to share this with my friends and family. I don't know what holds me back (maybe it's the fact that I'm still figuring everything out, I have struggles, etc.). This faith is something I have to fight for every single day.

Jacque Tagged Me

2012-02-24T07:25:00.003-08:00

Jacque Gardner, up and coming YA adult author tagged me, so here goes nothing! :)
1. What is your dream vacation?
My dream vacation is going to Western Europe. I want to start in England, then go to the mainland, start in Spain and head east. This would take me a good, solid three months! I would love to just immerse myself in their culture.
2. Are you spontaneous or do you like to plan ahead?
I am spontaneous. Every time I try to plan ahead, my plans crash and burn. It's best to just think of an adventure and do it!! Why not?? I like to go off the path and do something awesome to tell the kids and future grandkids!
3. Tell us one thing you want to do but don't dare do it.
I want to wear a bikini. But I have a giant scar from hip to hip that's hard to hide. Or make out with Ryan Reynolds...
4. What's your biggest phobia?
I am terrified of mice. UGH. Just thinking about them freaks me out
5. If you were stranded on a desert island-what three things would you want with you? (Not including your laptop or family)
A machete, ability to control the elements, and a ladder
6. Name three blessings in your life.
Max, my life, my faith
7. What was your nickname in High School?
The Rubedawg, Rubetube, Rooby Booby
8. If you could meet the President of the United States, what would you say to him?
Excuse me sir, but I have a set of ideas that would help you fiscally as well as socially. I have a detailed presentation done just so we can sit down and I can show you how to better America. I can't imagine doing your job because being President has to be the hardest thing ever, but I can show you where you can definitely make a positive impact for our country as a whole... etc. etc. etc.
9. If you could be any literary character, who would you be?
I would be Sorcha, from my favorite sci-fi book, Daughter of the Forest. She is brave, incredibly stubborn, and loves so fiercely that she saves her brothers. OR I would be Ron Weasley. I love him
10. What is your favorite quote?
"It will all work out"- it's the hardest one for me to understand but it also keeps me from having a panic attack. Eventually, everything will fall into place and I will be able to understand why things happened the way that they did.

I tag:
1. Sally
2. Shanda
3. Jessica
4. Emily
5. Brianna
6. Lauren Delatore
7. Alyson

Babies are awesome

2012-02-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

My sister Sally has an adorable little man. Xander is so fun and a joy to have around. I was fortunate enough to babysit him the other night and it was fun to cuddle, sing him baby songs, and feed him (this guy has no problem in that department :)). My biological clock has been a little nuts lately, so it was nice to get it re-adjusted after Xander's visit. Max was very actively involved, wanting to help feed, change his diaper, and even burp him! Max is a great older cousin and he is always concerned about Xander's well-being. Sometimes we have to teach him to be gentle. He's a little too eager to get him down to play. It is so cute to see him playing the "big brother" role! He's such a sweetie.
Last night we took turns praying. He said the first prayer. I prayed our "family prayer," then he decided he needed to pray again! Oh to have the faith of a little child! Sometimes it's hard for me to just get through my personal prayer... I am grateful that he has a righteous desire in his baby heart to pray. It warms my heart and reassures me that I'm doing something right. It's also a reminder to me that I have a loootttt of things to work on. This parenting thing is no easy feat, let me tell you!! Since Max is growing up among teenagers, he has developed a teenager attitude.

TEENAGE THINGS MAX SAYS:

"Whatever"
"Don't talk to me"

"Hold on, just a second please"
"What did you say to me?"

"I.DONT.CARE."

"Who cares?"

"Um, hello??"

"K. Love you. Bye"

"I don't want it!!"

"See ya!"

"My turn to drive!"

"I want it now!!"

*See the teenage pattern?? Impatience, frustration, wanting to do things by himself, wanting his mother to do things for him... I'm sooo excited for him to turn 13 (NOT!!) Hopefully scientists and mothers everywhere will have come up with some form of pill to help them during this transformation stage. I'm just lucky he's not a girl. Girls are so much more dramatic!

I get really excited when he uses real sentences and doesn't just grunt for things he wants. He always says a word once. But that's it!! Then he'll grunt for anything else he needs haha. He's such a boy and I love it!

Too Many Words

2012-02-22T12:50:00.000-08:00

I talk a lot. Sometimes too much. I also type and reveal wayyy too much information. You're probably all bored to death about my posts (as of late). My journey is included in all this word vomit. It's like I'm unleashing a hundred moments of my life. I am writing in between the lines and hoping that someone out there will be able to see through all of this. Reach out to me. How is it that I'm surrounded by the most incredible people and sometimes feel so alone? Then, I feel so awesome? I thought I was going bipolar for a second. I was elatedly happy, then so angry I could punch a wall... I mean, it's not like I'm the first person to go through all this grief. In fact, 53% of people will go through this. My advice: don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Don't do it.

I numbed my heart a long time ago, seriously, I can't remember the last time I felt giddy and excited until about two months ago when I had the epic of all months. It was incredible. It was refreshing. It helped me feel young again! I've been an 80 year old in this 24 yr. old body. Gosh, that "high" was sooo nice!! Thank you kind stranger. We will probably run into each other again. I might be awkward because that's totally my personality... But thank you for helping me feel alive again. For showing me that I am an attractive woman and for treating me exceptionally well. It's totally unfortunate I didn't run into you a year from now... and not 2 months after the epic fail of my old marriage. It's all in the timing, right? Curse timing! Oh and curse compatability!

According to my therapist, it takes 3-5 years to get over a divorce. That's over 1,825 days!!! Holy mother of all pain. I write every day to remind myself that I am healing. That I'm finding joy in my journey, and that I am enjoying this second chance at self-improvement I've been given. I don't know what it's like to live without fear, resentment, sadness, crying. I lived in a constant state of extreme highs and lows for five years! But then, I've experienced true love, held the most beautiful boy in the world in my arms, discovered the extreme joys of motherhood that I wouldn't trade for the world! I have cried tears of extreme joy: the day I got married (my sobbing was a little out of control), the day I found out I was pregnant, the day I held Max in my arms, and now, the tears that come with knowing I'm healing from all this junk. I know I have many divorced friends reading this blog. You aren't alone (what a cliche, I know) but you're not. Many of you have gone through things other people won't understand but they will make you stronger. And on those days when you feel like you can't go on, you possibly can't give anymore than you have already given, you will find a renewed sense of self that will help you get through the day. I went days, weeks, months honestly, I can't remember a lot of 2011. I wish I could be honest and say it was a great journey! It was such a trial of faith and yet, here I am! Happy!! But honestly, most of you that read this also keep in constant touch and you know my struggles. You know my fears. You know my joys. We are placed here on Earth for a reason and people are placed in our lives for a reason. I have a hard time letting go of people who don't want to be a part of my life. I'm a lover. I love everyone... oh well, almost everyone. I had a hard time with this (very recently) and realized: that person came into my life so I could learn this specific thing! It was a definite EURIKA! moment for me. So I can smile today, and say THANK YOU kind stranger! THANK YOU!!!

Can I have a personal weeping tree?? In my backyard?? Guess I'll have to go to Japan
Today the weather is beautiful. It's a gorgeous 70 degrees outside! I'm thinking we're headed to the park after the chiropractor. Then, we'll eat Maxi's favorite food... Then we'll run around the house and play heroes. After all that, I will give my stinky boy a bath. If I'm lucky, he'll be in bed by 9 pm and I'll be on the phone with my long distance girlfriend, "Hai" whom I love so much!! She has been added to the therapist list and I'm lucky we met 5 years ago. I never knew I would have such a great friendship but boy I'm glad we both took a chance!!

My grief was present today, I couldn't displace it or ignore it. However, my joy maximizes everything else and I know with a deep surety that I will be ok.

Sad to Post after a HAPPY Post

2012-02-22T07:14:00.000-08:00

I got some hard news yesterday. One of my cousins died of cancer. Then I hear that another (ex)cousin passed away from brain cancer. What is going on here??! This whole cancer thing is really freaking me out. Everyone has someone who is affected by it and my stats are not that great... so it may be in my future. Yikes. On to better news that don't currently make me feel better, at least we know how the Plan works. We know that families can be together forever and be reunited on the other side. I'd like to think that my (ex)cousin will teach my other cousin the gospel. That way we can do the work for her. It's disheartening to hear of active people who lose their lives... But it happens every day. I am still trying to be joyous and loving; patient, meek, and humble. I am not bursting to the world of my happiness today. Instead, I am silently thankful that I am making it through.

**Praying for my families who are going through a difficult time.

Cancer is not kind.

A Glass Half Full Kinda Gal

2012-02-21T09:14:00.001-08:00

Today I woke up a little late! I looked a little frazzled. Who cares?? Not Me! I just hit a great milestone in my vida!! Today, it doesn't matter what I forget to do or say, how motherly I look, or the fact that I had a donut for breakfast (I blame the office ladies for that one...). I have found my happy! I am so grateful to know that I have reached a milestone I've been praying about for the last four years! I have joy in my heart and I feel so much love that my heart might burst (gross, right??). I don't know if I'm on a spiritual high or if my prayers have finally been answered or if I'm finally having a good day... Whatever it is, I'm going to hang on to this incredible feeling and praise the Lord for His love and infinite Grace!! Hallelujah!

In other news, I'm really not a "shouting" evangelist. I actually like to praise Jesus and the Lord in the comfort of my own home, church, and go about it quietly. I just felt like shouting my thanks from the top of the mountains today.

The Mother of All Posts

2012-02-20T09:42:00.001-08:00

My, how time has flown. It seems just like yesterday I was still sitting in Idaho, waiting for my "baby one" to get here.
Look at my little munchkin in this last pic!! He wasn't even a year old!! What a cutie! Also, Max got a haircut (I need to learn how to cut boy hair!!), we went to chuckecheese, took some family photos that I have yet to buy and upload for ya'll to see how darling my little guy is... It seems we are on the constant "go, go, go!" Sometimes I feel like I need to stop and smell the roses because I know I will never have this precious time again. I love how incredible my little man is. I thoroughly enjoy spending all of my time with him. Since I've re-dedicated myself to being a better mother this year, I have seen a huge difference in my relationship with Max. We laugh together, read together, snuggle together, and at the end of the day... I feel so much joy and love in my heart for this incredible little being. Yes, he is tiring. Yes, he can drive me crazy. Yet, he brings so much love to my life that I know I wouldn't be who I am today without my little man.
Since my focus has been little Max, my whole perspective has changed. I always wanted to do things that would make him proud of me and see that I was sacrificing for him. Now, I know he really isn't going to care what I did with my post-grad life. He's only going to remember the good times we had together. Most kids don't remember that frivilous stuff anyway.

Things we're doing in the next month:

driving to California

visiting friends

visiting family

going to disneyland

going to universal studios

shopping

eating

loving our life together
Max and I have had many great adventures as of late and wanted to show ya'll how darling and handsome the love of my life is!

OH GOSH... BRING IT ON FOR 4 WEEKS!

2012-02-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

So, I'm bringing it on!! Again. I blogged about getting back into shape the other day and decided to do it after my tests. Here I am again. Committing to the blogging world (ok, not many ppl read my blog. but that's ok) that I will overcome my awful tendencies and strive to be better. I have a friend who blogged about her 10 week journey and I could tell it really helped her more than anything to be accountable to herself and blog about it.

I think part of bettering ourselves includes taking care of our body. My body is a temple. I have been treating it like a mall. I say this in the sense that because I have lost weight, I have allowed myself to think that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want it, and drink Coke like there is no tomorrow. In fact, today is my first day without a coke. All day. My withdrawal has been awful!! All I think about is how much I want a coke. I close my eyes and all I see is a cold, red coke in my hand... That's pretty awful right?

They say it takes 4 weeks for you to notice how your body has changed. 8 weeks for your friends to notice. 12 weeks for the world to notice. Frankly, I don't care if "the world" notices. Who the heck does that include anyway?? I am not really doing this for my friends' compliments either... I think I'm just ready to accomplish something that is on my bucket list:

drum roll please...

I want to get into a specific type of bathing suit. I have never ever been able to wear one. Before it was out of choice and now it's out of embarrassment. I realized that I'm 24 years old. I am never going to be this young again, never going to be able to look this young again and I'm no longer taking that for granted. I want to feel better about myself. I want to look in the mirror and not see thin but muscular. I have flab. I have flab in awful places. I have flab in places only I can see but that doesn't make me feel better.

So, here I am again. Ready to start the workout of the year to prep not only for Spring Break but also to have a better lifestyle. The choices I make today regarding food will shape my tomorrow. We all know I'm a sorta diabetic. If I don't take care of myself I will have full blown diabetes again and I don't want that!! I want to be able to prep my body in good ways.

So here are my stats:

Weight: 130-133 (I was 130 this morning, 133 Sunday... so not sure??)

Body Fat: 20%

I am going to measure my arms, hips, and thighs and post that later. I am not trying to lose a ton of weight per say. I am a curvy woman and curvy is what I'll always be. I do remember that when I was 120 and in the prime of my life, I felt awesome. I could do a lot of things I can't now.

What I'm planning on doing:

*Run/cardio for 45 minutes 5 days a week

* Push ups

* Sit ups

* Lounges (aw yeah, my fave!!... NOT)

*Weights

* Finally, I'm going to try Yoga

I'm ready for this change. I need this change. I'm excited for this change!!

A Slew of Therapists

2012-02-15T07:23:00.001-08:00

I have a team of therapists working on me (daily). They listen to me every single day. They offer words of comfort, love, and sometimes "tough love." They always answer when I call or if they don't immediately answer, they call me right back when they can. They have helped this insane lady like no other. See, as I've started to discover my inner self, I've stumbled on many things that I displaced days, weeks, months, and even years ago. I'm terrible at communication and at holding all of my emotions in my heart until I feel like I might explode.

I also have a special boy, a very special little man that has to go through so much pain that it breaks my heart. I am his mother. I should not have to watch my child suffer; I should be experiencing all that pain for him. It drives me crazy to think that I cannot help him. That I, his personal assistant, number one cheerleader, supermom cannot take away his physical pain.

When Max was born, he suffered severe seizures every single day. There were days when all I could do was sit in a chair, all day long, and hold him as he seized. Tears would stream down my face and I would cry out to my God to give me strength and to help me have faith. I couldn't see beyond that pain. All I knew was that I my child should not have to go through this. What did I do wrong?? Maybe I did eat too much pizza and spaghetti while I was pregnant. I didn't exercise enough... The list is endless, really. Max was such an easy baby when he wasn't having seizures. He would just sit around, stare at his hands or other objects, and googoo gaga talk. Regardless of what doctors told us, I knew he would be ok. Whether that meant he would be special needs or regular, he was my baby boy and I would love him. In fact, I love him so much more because of what I have watched him experience. He is a trooper, a CHAMPION. He is the strongest little boy I know (even when he drives me crazy!).

"I can't believe I've been home for almost two years," I said to my sister the other day. "How is it that I am functioning while I know my heart is no longer whole? How have I survived?? How can I keep going?"

"Forget all that stuff, you're the strongest woman I know," she simply answered. Me? The strongest woman she knows?? Clearly she must be mistaken. I don't feel strong. In fact, I'm just an average person doing what I have to do to give my son a better life. I still get upset: at myself, at the world, at the perfect picture everyone painted... Of the life I was promised to have if I kept myself faithful on the straight and narrow. I feel BITTER. ANGRY. BETRAYED. It's selfish for me to think that no one understands my pain, except for people who have gone through what I have experienced. That's why my therapists are so amazing. They have taught me to look within myself, to find myself, and to renew a faith I almost lost. I imagine I might never have that life free of hurt and anguish or frustration.

Then it happens. I'll be in the car, singing or carrying a conversation with my adorable 2 year old and I'll feel happy. Whole. Good about myself. Thankful that I'm surviving my heart break. "I'm happy!" So naturally, when the tears come, I wonder why? Why are there tears to be shed when I am happy? Why can't I just experience this good feeling? ... Then I realize they're tears of joy. I'm crying because I have been given a small tender miracle in my life. I honestly never thought I'd be able to go anywhere, smile, and have a perfectly perfect day with my toddler kid on my hip.

Of course, then the bad days come. The therapists get called. They circle around me and cheer me through the cloudy days. I am a single mom juggling jobs, a child, church callings, and all things in between. It's during these times that I find I have a slew of therapists (thanks to my girlfriends, my parents, my darling sister, my incredible man boys, Jim) who encourage me through the dark moments and remind me of the beauty I am surrounded with. They remind me a heart will heal. There really is hope and beauty in the Earth. I am not broken (maybe a little). I can and will find that joy we were sent to Earth to experience. And the love part? I don't have to worry about that. He's out there... Figuring himself out and honoring his priesthood. Above all, he's coming to find me.

With God by my side, all things are possible.

Single Awareness Day!

2012-02-14T08:09:00.001-08:00

Valentines has never really been that big of a deal to me. I honestly can't remember the last time I "really" celebrated this event. Now, at nearly a quarter of a century old, I have gained much wisdom from ignoring this holiday. It's just a day. Today it's Tuesday. My sweet daddy got me roses and a teddy bear (red for Ruby, how cute is he??) and all the boys I have ever crushed on in my life professed their love via online media to their wives. This does make me feel a little old and a little out of the love loop. Just before all of these professions of love made me barf, I saw a little advertisement on the side that said "1 in 3 College Students have STDs." That made me laugh for five minutes straight because I thought it was a little tasteless to present this ad on Vday. Still funny...

I guess I'm no less aware of my singleness than I was last week... So, HAPPY VALENTINES! HAPPY SA DAY!!! There is plenty of love to be given and to be had. I have a beautiful family that I love sooo much, amazing friends, and my own personal/built in Valentine... Maxfield!!

May we all learn to love the best way we know how, do our best to demonstrate it to those that surround us, and know that there will be greater days to come for those of us who don't have eternal love just yet. I haven't been able to watch my "romance" love story (the notebook) in about five years. Today is not the day to whip it out... But I look forward to the day I can watch it without having my heart feel completely broken. Until then, I'll stick to XMen.

Boys are from Jupiter

2012-02-10T12:26:00.000-08:00

Is there anyone who reads my blog who is single?? No offense to my married friends... But ya'll are done. You have husbands. You made it! Game over. No worries, I'm not jealous that you don't have to date, put yourself out there, and figure out what you want/don't want with guys and consistently remind yourself that it's all going to be ok because there is a prince out there (phew, try saying that in one breath). Haha. Ok, maybe I'm a little jealous.

See, I have no room to complain about anything. I have been asked out more times now than ever before in my life! It's kind of funny actually, mostly because I thought the opposite effect would happen. I thought guys wouldn't ask me out because I am a single mom and that can be intimidating to men my age. I also hang with the greatest group of boys that I absolutely love to death and have no idea where I would be without them. They lift me up, help me practice flirting, teach me the don'ts and do's of dating. They are completely honest when I ask if something "makes me look fat" (boy, they sure are really honest sometimes...) It's unfortunate that we all friend zoned each other because I know these boys wouldn't break my heart (intentionally anyway). There's also that part where they're not Mormon. Thankfully, a few did volunteer to convert in order to help their "sister" out. Isn't that so sweet and thoughtful?? Haha.

Someone emailed me a list of Things Guys wished Girls Knew (this is for you, my single friends!). I thought some of them were important to share!

Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew:

1. Sometimes we just don't want to talk. Don't take it personally.

2. Get to the point

3. Helpless is not cute

4. Understand that men are single-minded and can only do one thing at a time

5. You can't complain that there are no good guys around while some of us are still single

6. If you ask us "do you think she's prettier than me?" we just might say "yes." Then what are you going to do?

7. Don't expect even a great relationship with us to solve all your problems.

8. Breathe occasionally so we can get a word in

9. For us, driving is not just a means of going from point A to point B. It's an opportunity to control a couple of tons of steel. We drive, therefore, we are.

10. Hide the self help books when we come over. They make us nervous.

11. We don't go shopping. When we need something, we buy it.

12. We don't believe you when you say money isn't important to you

13. When we see pics of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones we feel proud and happy to be men. We don't care if it's not fair.

14. It's not that we don't want to make you happy, we don't know how

15. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down (this still bothers me!)

16. If you ask a question you don't really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn't want to hear

17. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it (i don't like this one either)

18. Sundays equals sports. Period. (love sports! in moderation of course...)

19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really

20. You have enough clothes/shoes

21. Crying is blackmail

22. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot

23. Tell us what you want. No hints

24. We're not mind readers and we never will be

25. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

26. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

27. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. ALl comments become null and void after seven days

28. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

29. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. NOt both

30. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we

31. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong

PRETTY WOMAN MOMENT

2012-02-09T07:52:00.001-08:00

I believe I'm going to pay tribute to one of my favorite actresses of all time, Julia Roberts. What a beautiful woman! Have any of you seen Pretty Woman?? I think it might be a bad rating but I saw that movie as a kid, so technically it wasn't my fault I watched a risk-y movie. It's a pretty great movie and my obsession with Richard Gere can be blamed on that movie. The reason why I'm always day dreaming about fancy, gray haired men can now be understood. Anyway, I have undergone a change of sorts. For those of you who know my fashion tastes (t-shirts, jeans, flats, wavy/crazy hair, slight makeup, etc), you are about to be blown away.

I, Ruby Annette, have finally discovered my fashion sense.

**Boom. That just happened.

You're probably all stunned in silence!! No worries, my beautiful (holy, torn, overwashed, faded, dying) clothes are still in my closet. They have just taken a backseat to my new clothes. My Antonio Milani (did I spell that right??) pants fit like a dream. The Miss Me jeans, other brands I can't pronounce, have helped to outline a shape I haven't been able to get right in years... I haven't felt this liberated since I became emancipated (aka turned 18).

CONFESSION: I never ever (seriously never) thought I would shop at Dillards. Why? Because I thought only old people and stuffy people shopped there. Yes, I was judgmental. Also, I haven't been able to afford those clothes since high school. I mean, why spend sooo much money on clothes when I could go to New York and Company, Gap, and Target for my clothes? Seriously, I think my whole wardrobe (before the change) did not have a label on it. I am a simple person. I live a simple life. I don't like to overdo anything about myself because that just isn't me. I'm not high maintenance. I like things that look nice and have a great price tag. I am a new age tomboy. I would rather spend money on things that are important.

** thank you pinterest!! love these outfits... and loved putting them together. great website! Why the change of heart: Well, I work in a professional setting. I have to do business casual every day except for Fridays. In this quest to find my inner self, I discovered I really do love pampering myself. I feel like a real woman when I put on my outfits, match with jewelry, and have awesome hair. Did you know my hair is ridiculously healthy and awesome? Why do I feel like I'm bragging?? Ugh, that is not my intention. My intention is to share the news of liberation! I am free!! I have overcome my biases and stepped into the unknown, the dark side, and I love it!! I can still be simple Ruby, I will just look way better than I did before. With all of this, quality over quantity has taken a whole new meaning. I recently discovered that if I fork over a little more money in looking fresh, diplomatic, and professional, older site supervisers I interact with will take me more seriously. AND- these clothes will not fade or die quickly. They will give me their moneys worth.

I know a lot of us can't afford this kind of lifestyle. I had a hard time spending money that I knew needed to be used elsewhere. But I had to take one for the team and grow up. My clothes were fine but they weren't as professional as they should have been. My jeans were never going to fit again because I've lost 3 dress sizes. These jeans are aaaamazzziinggg!!!

Move over Julia Roberts, I haven't felt this good in about seven years!

Rediscovery

2012-02-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

While on this journey to rediscovery, I have felt like the runaway bride (Julia Roberts anyone??). There are things I have never liked to do but have done anyway. There are rules I have kept, not always knowing why, and haven't broken. There are values I have followed but not necessarily understood very well and so I've finally realized that today is the day. Not tomorrow, not next month, or next year. Whatever I need to work on needs to start right now.

Finding myself newly single again has brought forth many emotions I never thought I would deal with. I have felt complete loneliness, anguish, hurt, etc. I have also felt extreme joy, happiness, etc, I am discovering what I don't like about myself or what I do like. If I want to eat cake for dinner, then I will (except I will pay for the consequences later). If I want a stronger relationship with the man upstairs, then I seek Him out. I have never felt the world at my fingertips as I do at this time. Do I know where I am going? Not necessarily. Do I know what I want out of life? I know that I (ultimately) want to find a man who is crazy about me and will want to spend forever by my side. He'll love Max, want more children, and most of all, love and cherish me. Is that a lot to ask for?? I feel like this is all completely reasonable... I don't think a man is going to fall out of the sky. He may not be the hottest man on the planet, clean, or organized. Maybe his cooking will be awful. Yet, I'm ok with all of that. Those things don't really matter. What does matter is that I find a man who will actively seek to become better in life, whether it be emotionally, spiritually, physically, or all of the above. I used to have a completely ridiculous list of all of these qualifications I wanted my future man to have. Now (and I am by no means asking for perfection or for this to happen now) I am more realistic. I am finding to be happy with myself, learning to be a better mother to Max, and hoping that there is a bright future ahead. Living in the past was a misery. Rushing to the future hasn't helped much either. Hopefully slowing down and enjoying my current situation is the best thing I can do to better myself.

Am I scared? Of course, I'm terrified that I'll never find my other half, that he's gotten lost, or fell in love with someone else. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to truly cherish these life moments and lessons I have because I'm so focused on the future. It's a scary world out there. Facing it alone with a child only amplifies that fear. Yet, I know with God on my side I will overcome and be made strong. My fears will be erased and I'll be able to accomplish all that I need to accomplish in order to enjoy my life. I may not be ready for love or whatever. I am ready to go out, have a good time, and just enjoy life. Life is so beautiful. It's the best kind of game to be in beause we have no idea what is going to happen, where we'll end up, or anything like that. It's a constant trial and error that will eventually lead us to where we should be in the first place.

Life is beautiful. I am blessed to have so much love and patience in my life!

When Did I...

2012-02-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

When did I become my mother?? I have considered myself a pretty cool mom (ok, sometimes). I mean, there have been times when all Max has had for breakfast is ice cream, chocolate milk, and some form of protein. Sounds healthy and nutritious right?? But what's a mother to do when her child won't eat. at. all. I have even tried the "starving" method where I don't feed him anything that is not on his plate. But the other night I was a little tired and caved. Mental note to self: don't ever do that. Kids learn quickly how to get to their parents and for now, I'm having to explain to a 2 year old why he won't be eating ice cream for dinner. ever again.

I can tell I'm becoming more like my mother in the sense that my "no nonsense" personality has come out. I don't tolerate bad behavior. I do enforce a code of laws. I do not cave at the first sign of baby tears and finally, I have learned to say no without feeling guilty.
I HAVE MADE A BREAK THRU!!!

Um, shouldn't I get some kind of award for this discovery?? I think so!!

How to Lose a Guy in 4 Weeks

2012-02-01T09:02:00.001-08:00

Hi. My name is Ruby. I overanalyze.

Has anyone seen How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?? I definitely learned how to lose a guy in a few weeks. Haha. You know when you meet a really great guy, there's a connection, and you have similar interests?? Then that guy seems just a little "too" great and a little "too" handsome? After that, you enjoy your time with him but overanalyze everything because you're not sure what he's thinking or feeling... If he says this, does he mean it or is he lying? If he likes you, does it mean he like "LIKE" likes you or semi likes you? You want to play hard to get but are terrible at it. Do you wait after he texts? Do you show interest? Can you call him at all?- Ladies, is this starting to sound familiar? Yeah, I did that.

I wish that real life was a movie so I could rewind and just enjoy the time I was able to spent with a nice person, instead of sitting in panic mode. He opened car doors, showed affection, doted on me, and we experienced some good food together. It's unfortunate I panicked or that I didn't meet him a year from now but I think things that are meant to be always find a way to be. So if this didn't work out it's for a reason. Dating is dating, the game is the game (umm... I'm taking a break). I think for now I'll stick to watching basketball and not worrying about the "might-have-beens." I am really regretting that giant tub of ice cream that is sitting in my freezer. I want to eat it but haven't eaten that poorly in about a year... Yet, I remember the comfort that comes from eating ice cream and brownies, with a big strawberry salad. Sounds gross, but this has been my comfort food since I realized I could have comfort food. Oh... and that part of the movie, where the best friends get the other friend out of bed and then tell her of things not to do... Ya, that happened. But maybe... Maybe I'm just going to focus on Max, my career, my education, family, church callings, and bettering myself. Maybe that'll do the trick.
1. Don't panic, 2. Be yourself, 3. Don't compare him to other guys you've dated (IN YOUR MIND) 4. Smile 5. Take it easy 6. Buy the book Rules and live accordingly

If not, I always have that tub of ice cream in my freezer that is calling my name...

CHECK HER OUT

2012-01-31T09:26:00.000-08:00

I met Jacqueline Gardner (and her hubby Joe) in Rexburg, Idaho. Little did I know what I great friendship would come from that. Jacque is incredibly talented. She is smart, has a great sense of humor, beautiful, a good listener, and has become one of my very close friends. I value our friendship because I know what it's like to not have valuable friendships. She is one of a kind (good job Joe!!).

I wanted to blog about her because she is having a book come out soon, and you should all support her and buy it and READ it (haha). I am amazed at the imagination this woman has and at how mesmerized I can become when reading her novels. If you have any questions, let me know! I will also post her blog address so ya'll can follow her!

http://www.jacquelinegardner.com/

It's the Little Things

2012-01-27T13:00:00.000-08:00

Max calls me "sweetheart." Every night before we go to bed, he gets a bath, we read a book, argue about the pictures in the book, he reads to me... and then after he falls asleep in my arms, I tuck him in his little bed. I don't know how he manages to come back into my bed , but it happens almost every night.

He wakes up every morning excited to see the Incredibles or Cars. He always unhooks my phone and brings it to me ("here's your phone mom" and then I say "thanks babe" his response is "no problem") and proceeds to wake up the rest of the household. He is such a stinking joy and love to have. When we go shopping together, he is the first to tell me that the outfit looks good or bad. He's gotten a lot more stubborn and changes his outfits nearly a dozen times a day. He loves to sing silly songs (love you like a love song- selena gomez). He dances and has a sweet beat. His eyelashes are ridiculously long. His laugh is infectious. I love chasing him around the house in a cape (yes I'm always the bad guy).

He is still small enough to ask for hugs and for lovin'. He has a crush on all my girlfriends and tries to kiss them on the lips OR wipe snot on them (yeah, not romantic). I can't believe he's almost three and getting ready for preschool. I didn't understand the sacredness of motherhood or the love I would have for a child. I'm so in love, so thankful, and incredibly stunned that I was blessed with such a beautiful little life. He is mi vida. My whole world is a funny, scratched up, dirty little boy whom I completely adore.

He tells me he loves me too much. I think of all that we have gone through together in the last two years and we have made it through. How thankful I am that I took a chance on love because in doing so, I was given my little Maxfield Byron.

I may never truly believe fairytales or happily ever afters, but I do know that true, unadultered joy can be experienced in this life by the people that surround us. My heart belongs to a little boy who calls me his mama and sweetheart. Today my heart is overjoyed to have such an incredible opportunity to learn the sacred art of motherhood. I may not wear designer jeans (except today I am, thanks Sally for my Birthday gift!!!!!), or have perfect hair. I may not have a companion to share my joys and sorrows with, or a real sense of grownup-hood.... But at the end of the day, I have someone to come home to who loves me whether I'm done up or not done at all. His little eyes fill with surprise and joy when we go to the park. How did I luck out? I guess I won't ask any questions, I'll just take what I have and run with it because I don't know how long I will be here on this Earth but the one thing I know for sure is that God lives, families can be together forever, and finally... I have a boy.

Oh No... BRING IT ON... Again!!

2012-01-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have been with me these last few years... You know I went through a "bring it on" phase. I worked out regularly, ate healthy meals, ran a successful home, and managed to get my post baby, post college weight off. It worked wonders for me! Here I am, nearly 2 1/2 years later... and I'm about to do it again. Crazy right?? I mean back in the day I was a stay-at-home-mom so working out was a lot easier to do. I lived in Rexburg where I had incredible friends who helped me with Max while I did this. I'm not so lucky this time around (I miss having sooo many young families as neighbors!!) so I have to be more dedicated. I'm giving myself 8 weeks. 8 solid weeks dedicated to eating better, exercising, spending time with Max, working hard at my job, and studying for the LSAT. Not bad right??

Looking back, I don't know how I managed to do it all. I went to school full time, took care of my boy, ran a home (cooked, cleaned, perfected housewife skills), and somehow managed to hang out with some cool girls. Maybe since I'll be sooo busy, I'll be able to better manage my personal goals. I'm excited to start the BRING IT ON phase. I am a firm believer that when you're good and healthy on the inside, it transposes to the outside. I will keep posting about my single mom days, work habits, political obsessions, and now will throw in some exercise junk in the mix.

I'm not looking to get super skinny (I'm a curvy woman and curvy is how I'll always be) but I wouldn't mind having some nicely toned body parts. I'm planning a nice trip for myself this summer and I have some cute clothes I want to look good in. I've reached a point where I enjoy looking good for myself!! *AND- it felt sooo good to slip into size 4 jeans and have them fit. I had been wearing the wrong size for a long time. Hallelujah!

Check out those abs. I don't like to post weird immodest things... BUT HER ABS are incredible

Have You Ever...

2012-01-18T11:28:00.001-08:00

I had an incredible date yesterday. Oh wait, I didn't fill you in?? Well, let me just tell you that I had by far the best date ever! He was perfect. He was tall (seriously!! over 6 ft) had dark blue eyes, dark jet black hair and the cutest dimples around. His name: Jarom. I know I have a thing for "J" names, I'll be the first to admit I'm a sucker for them! We went out to dinner, he took me for a brisk walk around a beautiful pond. He gazed into my eyes and told me how beautiful he thought I was. I could feel myself stammering... I mean, guys should get arrested for being so fine and smooth. He bought me a watch (did I mention I've been obsessing over watches b/c i need one sooo badly??) He walked me to his car (a Range Rover, not that I'm not in love with those cars) opened the door, climbed on the other side and took my hand in his. Suddenly, I felt like something was utterly wrong. Everything he was saying was perfect. I think it was in the middle of the "I want to have your babies" sentence coming out of his mouth that I stopped paying attention. I didn't know where we were driving and even though the street looked familiar, I was totally lost. I looked back at him and couldn't help but feel like I had met him before...

AND then I woke up.

Have you ever had a dream you are absolutely in love with and never want to wake up?? THAT JUST HAPPENED to me. It was the worst feeling ever. But while I was in the dream, I throughly enjoyed it. Man and all :)

Contemplating

2012-01-17T08:50:00.000-08:00

I've started to contemplate the validity behind my rationalizations. See, I just turned 24 yesterday. 24!! I am nowhere near my 10 year plan. In fact, that was a hit and miss for me.

My 10 yr. plan included: going to BYUI, graduation, going on a mission, going to grad school, finding a husband, and eventually birthing my first child at 28.

What actually happened the last 6 years: went to BYUI, got married, had a baby, graduated, left Idaho, got divorced, and now I'm starting my life over... Yeah... I lose. I had an interesting experience to go with this. I was watching my family yesterday and thinking of how times had changed. My life revolves around constant work and single motherhood. I love being a mom. In fact, my heart has softened towards what I think a "mother" should be able to do. Sometimes I get pretty discouraged when I realize that another woman is raising my child. I want him to be healthy, know that his parents love him, and regardless of whatever happened between his parents, that he is our number one priority. I went through a phase where I would just close my eyes and wish I could rewind to four years ago. I have realized that I don't need to wish for that. There is no sense in going back. As much as I wish my 19 yr. old self hadn't made such dumb choices, she grew up and I'm proud of how she handled a lot of things (yes I know I'm speaking in 3rd person here). I am different from the woman I planned to be. I have found more compassion, learned the art of working hard, and finding myself turned out to be a difficult feat. It's easy to say I know I'm loved and that I have a Father in Heaven. It's hard to implement those things in my life to help me feel constantly loved. I am walking with blinders on right now and I don't know where I'm going to end up. I don't know that my dreams will come true. But what I do know is that the Lord will guide me every step of the way and He will carry me when He needs to. That still doesn't make this journey easy. It's times when I'm up cleaning puke and changing diapers when I miss companionship the most. It's not easy carrying this load on my shoulders.

"Hi. I'm Ruby. I'm a perfectionist." Some people may not see this as a problem but have a kid on your own and you'll realize it's a HUGE problem. My room is constantly messy. It's not because I never clean it but because my child feels the need to change his outfit four times a day. He loves to go through all his clothes and throw them all over the room. He pulls out toys and somehow figures out how to toss them every which way. At first, it drove me crazy. Now, I do what I can and try not to stress about it. I love this child more so than I have ever loved anyone on the phase of the planet. I want to give him the best life. Today I am a little tired, a little discouraged. I have been sick for two weeks and haven't had time to get better. I'm on the go 24/7 and I'm lucky to get 6 hours of sleep. Yet, I wake up every morning, look at my son and feel so much love that my heart could burst. He is worth every sacrifice. I think this is why I think dating is a waste of my time. I don't have time. The precious time that I do have I want to spend with my little man. There is also that scared side that knows that if I date, I run the risk of liking that person, which turns into a larger liability because he may break my heart. I know I can't live thinking like this, but let's be practical people??!! How many of you actually enjoyed dating?? Yeah, I did too... When I was 19 and there was no worry in the world! I have to think for two people, what would Max think of the guy? would he be good for him? how does this guy react to children? is he a long term/shortterm kind of guy? ... I wasn't very picky last time in my selection and I feel like this time there are no "ands, ifs, or buts" about it. I have to be very careful in the choice of my future spouse because: 1. i will never get divorced again and 2. he has to be willing to give me more babies and let me stay home. Is that really too much to ask for?? Oh well, I'm 24... I have 6 more years before full panic sets in of not finding a spouse. The romantic part of me(that I have had to keep on lockdown for awhile) thinks that he'll come finding me. The realistic part of me tells me I just need to enjoy my life, better myself, and honestly, everything will fall into place. Want to know a secret?? Sometimes after I put Max down to bed, sing him to sleep, take a hot bath, and get comfy enough to read a book or watch a movie, I wish there was someone to say good night to, someone to share my feelings with, my frustrations, and all that comes with companionship. I've tried to stop myself from thinking about these things because they only make me more stubborn in putting myself out there... But sometimes, the only thought that helps me fall asleep is that one day, I'll have someone to do those things with. And he's going to be gorgeously awesome and smart. He's going to think everthing I do is cute and funny; when we have arguments, he'll always say I'm right (haha ok I know this is irrational). He doesn't have to be rich but does have to have a sense of drive and be a hard worker. He can hate politics for all I care. He can even be a slob and a terrible cook. As long as he falls in love with me and I with him... and he will always treat me with respect and above all love my son, I'll consider myself lucky.

I'll consider myself lucky if he looks like this guy!! So handsome haha.

The last time I got engaged he didn't down on one knee. SO next time, I'm thinking both knees will be a requirement ;)

I'm on the road less traveled. I'm not sure what I'm going to run into. But you should hang on for the ride and who knows?? Maybe one day (in a few years) I'll blog about finding someone who is going to stay around permanently. Until then, you can read about my awkward dates and my blessed life as a momma to the best boy ever!

Many Firsts. Again.

2012-01-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

I haven't dated in five years. I married my first boyfriend (met him five years ago to be exact) and I never EVER dreamed that I'd be back to square one. Well- let me tell ya... It is a rough world out there for single women. I didn't understand until I became one again. The pickings are slim (not that I'm looking for a husband right now) and they get especially slim when word gets out that you were married once and have a child. I mean, this should make dating easier for me. It weeds out all the guys that can't handle a divorced/single mom. The fact that there have been men brave enough to ask me out after knowing this about me still amazes me. I mean... If the roles were reversed, I'm not sure I would date a divorced/single dad. There is this part of me that says "of course you would! you would never judge a person based on those things..." Then there is the other part of me that says "you were very judgemental and wouldn't have considered it." For the sake of giving myself the benefit of the doubt, I'm going to go with the first thought. I mean there are very nice cute men who have a past. Who doesn't have a past??

Over the last few months I started to date again. I was set up with a great catch by a good friend (thanks S!). It went well... Yes, past-tense here. I panicked. Mostly because I have a deer-in-the-headlight-look on my face. I mean, poor guy. I don't mean for that look to come upon my face; it just starts to creep up on me and before I know it, BAM, it hits me. It always happens after the date starts to go off well. I am enjoying myself and the company I am with. I know that I look really great in the outfit one of my friends or sister picked out. I feel like my swag is in full gear and I totally have a handle of the situation. Within this time that I'm recognizing how well the date is going, my subconscious starts to stir up old memories of what I had before. It reminds me of my awkwardness around the male specie. It is annoying. Right as I'm loving the moment, I realize that I am starting to find my happy again... and then, it crashes and burns. The look starts to come upon me and suddenly I am terrified. What if this guy is just a jerk? What if he seems to be incredible and he breaks my heart? He seems so perfect, there has got to be something wrong with him... I just can't figure it out... The list is endless, really.

If there is anything I have realized in the last few dates is that I can't solely judge a book by its cover. I am surprised to have gone out with a sweet man and to actually draw attention. I have never been one to draw attention to myself in that way. I am perfectly content hiding out behind a book or with a group of people. Who would have guessed that wearing the right dress size, a haircut. and nails would make a world of difference? Not me.

I have survived my first dating days and have only had a few freak out moments. I am trying not to break every scene that happens into small little things that really don't mean anything. I am so grateful for my friends who have put up with me calling and venting and freaking out. I forgot how stressful dating is. I guess I better leave the swag on permanently for the next few years.

I'm really not looking for marriage. Dating has been fun because I'm finding out what I like, what I don't like, and I know for sure what I want to have.

Things not to discuss on the first date:

1. your fears

2. how much money you make

3. how much money your parents make

4. your ex( ex boyfriend, girlfriend, husband)

5. your pet peeves

6. past transgressions of any sort

7. people you hate

8. politics

9. sports

Things to discuss on the first date:

1. things you like

2. positive thoughts

3. music

4. things that are important to you

5. goals/dreams (but don't go into it saying i can't wait to have four kids and a dog)

6. sports

7. hobbies

8. your job

9. this isn't discussing but- be yourself. if you pretend to be someone you're not... they're bound to find out eventually.

I'm still figuring this all out, I just wanted to get the word out that although I am rusty, it hasn't been that bad.

-Ruby

My Monthday

2012-01-03T15:06:00.000-08:00

My mother spoiled us into believing that our birthday could be celebrated all month long. Christmas and Thanksgiving were always great holidays growing up but in the De Santiago household, birthdays were the best. It was during our birthday month that we would hear of how we each individually came to be (minus the gross parts!!). Mom would retell the story of when discovered her pregnancy, the nine months of morning sickness, and finally, how she went through 36 hours of labor to deliver a healthy 9 lbs. 15 oz. baby girl. The story gets better. Once they realized I was a girl and not the boy they had expected, they had no idea what to name me. Andres Eusebio Jr. didn't sound like a good name for a little girl. Fortunately, I was born on one of the best days this country celebrates: Martin Luther King Day. Mom and dad heard many different stories about Civil Rights leaders, boys and girls who had fought for equal rights, and finally they heard a story about a little girl named Ruby Bridges. The rest is history. I was named after an incredible girl and I think that is the reason why I have been in love with politics, civil rights (ironic??), and of course history of any sort.

I am an ordinary person, I decided my sophomore year of college that I wouldn't have to run for President of the U.S. in order to change lives. I realized I could change the lives of the people I come in contact with. For those of you who know me, you know how much I love people. I cherish my friendships and love my family. I feed everyone I come into contact with (must be the latina in me) and even if I am a horrible dancer, I'm not afraid to bust a move.

Back to my monthday... I no longer feel the urge to celebrate my birthday every single day for the whole month of January. I'm kind of sad that I have overcome that stage. 24 has creeped up on me and for once in my life, I am putting complete faith in the Lord because I have no idea what is going to happen. My 10 year plan has evaporated into thin air (some would say crashed and burned but I'm optimistic evaporation is better). Yet, I am happy. I am blessed. I am 24 years old and I seriously do feel like I have my whole life ahead of me. I felt old two years ago. Now I feel 17. I know I will never be that age (or look that good again!) but I wouldn't go back. There are a few things I would tweak a little; going back wouldn't be worth it. I wouldn't have my beautiful child. I wouldn't have graduated with honors in my beloved political science. I wouldn't have experienced such trials of faith that have brought me so much closer to my Father in Heaven.

I wonder if my 10 year plan would have worked... Nah. For someone who is such a creature of habit, I've really learned to break out of that. I can't believe how fast time has gone. I remember my "firsts" of everything and it feels like they just happened. There's no way I learned how to drive 10 years ago!! (well, I guess I still need to work at that). I thought about making another 10 year plan but I'm afraid that won't do me any good. I've started down the untraveled road and it has opened my eyes to so many possibilities. I never wanted to get to 30... Now I just have to accept that's only 5 years away. In 5 years, Max will be old enough to choose to get baptized.

My present to myself this year is to enjoy the good, learn from the bad, focus 100% on Max, write in my journal, and go on some sort of vacation. Why not?? I'm only 24. The world still needs exploring and I'm still young enough to climb some mountains, go down some ski slopes, swim in the ocean, and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.

I may never completely grow up... And I'm perfectly content with that.

New Year

2012-01-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas was fun. New Year's was great! I got Max that day and it was the best way to start out the year. I know I had a super long list last year as my NY Resolutions (they got a little out of hand) so this year, I'm not really setting anything out there.
I just hope to have more peace and love in my heart... and patience. The weirdest thing that happened to me over the holiday break was... getting asked out by six different men. I know, right? Me? I never got asked out, which I was ok with because I wasn't one for dating. SO... maybe I'll actually answer when they call and start going out again. I haven't done that in about five years, no biggie... I think it's finally hit home that I can do stuff like this. I'll keep you posted on my dating/potty training days. It seems like they shouldn't go hand in hand; they're both hard to do and in the end there's no telling how it will all turn out.
Now, don't get any ideas! I'm not ready to jump into anything but I guess going out every once in a while won't be bad. I feel like I'm 16 yrs. old again and I have no idea how anything works in grown up life (confession #82)

Travel

2011-12-19T14:18:00.000-08:00

I was planning on taking a vacation this Christmas. Solo. I mean, Max was going to be gone and I thought I would go crazy. Boy am I glad I didn't!! All of the people I love in my life are coming home and I couldn't be more grateful to have them in northwest Arkansas. The weather is beautiful, I'm eating tons of food, and excited to spend time with my loved ones.
However, I would still like to go to Brazil. I love you Brazil!!!

You May Not...

2011-12-13T10:44:00.000-08:00

"You may not be able to control what happens to you. You can control how you respond to what happens to you, though."- off of lifebylist fellow blogger, EmmaNadine.

I used to feel sorry for myself (I'm awesome at pity-parties if you ever need to have one!) for certain things that happened in my life that I could not control. I hated being singled out for my diabetes and NEVER getting to eat all the good food everyone else would be able to pig out on during Thanksgiving and Christmas. One of my most vivid childhood memories happened in kindergarten. I was sitting next to my diabetic friend Kyle and we both stared at all the other kids during a Thanksgiving feasts. The homeroom moms had brought tons of cherry pie. I had never had cherry pie and had looked forward to it all day long. Well, back in my day, teachers didn't understand that you could have cherry pie as a diabetic, you just had to alter your medication. No, these teachers just assumed pie=bad for Ruby and Kyle. So while the other kids ate on, I was handed a slight piece of crust. CRUST. As in the flaky stuff that taste like junk without anything good on it (probably why I hate crust, to this day...). I went home and cried that day because I didn't get to taste pie.

Now, fastforward 19 years later. I no longer worry about the food I can or cannot eat. My body found a way to heal itself and diabetes doesn't really bother me anymore (except during holidays, birthdays, stress days). I've learned to deal with the signs (or just bought tons of aleve for headaches). There is always an adjusting period in all things. I'm currently adjusting to my role as breadwinner and double parenting. I work 40 hours a week and once I'm home, I work overtime as well. I don't get weekends off. I don't have an extra pair of hands around to hand Max to when I just need a moment to breathe and it's tiring. Not exactly what I saw myself doing four years ago when I was getting glammed up for my wedding pics. But, life happened. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't fair. Yet, I am adjusting. I have a set schedule. I have an amazing group of girls that I see/eat out with/ call/cry with at least once a month. I have loving parents who help me with my little man and encourage me to have some "me" time. I haven't had a meltdown in a few months, that in itself is a blessing.

The other day I was sitting on a couch being silly and I don't know what was said or what happened but I had a giggle attack. If you know me, you know I could laugh all day long and it's one of my favorite things to do, second to smiling. For the last year, I found it hard to smile. I found it hard to laugh. Everything seemed to have lost it's hilarity effect on me. While I was laughing, I forgot about the issues I've had to deal with. I forgot about my responsibilities that keep me awake at night. For once in a very very long time, I just laughed. However, I was afraid that it would turn into a crazy person laugh that would be followed by tears and then cries... Only because it had been that long since I had laughed freely. It was such a good moment (it didn't turn into a crazy person laugh with tears at the end). I felt like I had received a hug from Heaven and the Father was saying, "it's about time you enjoyed this beautiful life I gave you young lady." Seriously, I totally felt that. It was glorious.

I felt sorry for myself this last year. I felt like I was completely broken and no one would ever want to help put the pieces together. I felt ugly and with that, made myself miserable. Who would ever want a person like me? Obviously there is something wrong with me... I felt like I would never be able to truly laugh or enjoy my life again. Nevertheless, here I am: learning to laugh and enjoy the good and the ugly of life. I miss running my own home, I miss companionship, I miss my dreams and hopes I had since I was a young woman. It's taken me a year and a half to realize that just because I don't have those things in my life right now doesn't mean I won't get to experience them again in the future. I'm sitting here with a huge lump in my throat ( ok, I'm in tears... but the good kind) and I'm ok. I thought a person would run out of tears after crying for so long; I think instead I have a reservation of those because I always feel so much better after I let my emotions out. I'm finding joy in every step and I'm feeling triumphant.

This Esther and Stephanie (me and leanna). It has been fun to catch up with Esther (childhood friend!!) and get to know Stephanie. It seems like I've known her and been friends with her my whole life. I love those kind of friendships! Brianna and Emily- we need to take some pics because I didn't think you'd want the ones I have of us up!

These are some of my amazing friends... lin, kels, and leanna. Every month, they listen to me rant and rave about world politics, gossip, and my dreams. Thank you for the love and support and of course, the shoulders to cry on. I couldn't have done this last year without ya'll!love you girlies!

The first time I got to see him with his eyes open. They were the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes I had ever seen and I knew at that moment I was completely in love. My little Maxfield.

I can smile because I am so blessed. I have found my laugh again and I hope never to lose it like once before. I am so blessed for the great family I have and for my sweetheart and love. There is no greater joy than that of motherhood. I can testify of that.

Gut-Wrenching

2011-12-12T13:23:00.001-08:00

Today I know that I am selfish. And I'm not sure how I feel about labeling myself as such. This discovery only makes me feel Nervous/ anxious/ worried.

See, I'm starting the new routine that happens with all shared custody parents. Now, this is probably way too personal to blog about, but seeing as to how this is kind of a theraupetic journal for me, I guess I'm about to cross that boundary. Max is going to spend Christmas at his Grandparents house in Colorado. I know he's going to be in great hands, and I know how much he is loved by Justin's family. There's just this part of my heart that breaks at me not spending Christmas with Max. This year is going to be special because he knows what is going on. He understands that Santa brings presents, we're celebrating Jesus' birthday, and he feels the magic in the air. I don't get to be there to see him open up his presents and shout out words of excitement. I don't get to hear him beam about what he got and see him play with all the toys. I could use a little more selflessness right now. It's so important to me that he spends time with his dad and his extended family. I want him to understand that he is soooo loved by so many people. Yet, I'm selfish. I'm sad that I'll be alone for Christmas (well, not really, I have an incredible family and group of people that I'll be spending the holidays with). But my heart will be wherever Max is.

I will be glad that I shared him later on. For now, all I can think about is all the things I'll be missing out on. He's such an incredible little boy and if I could, I would give him the world. Since I can't, I offer him my constant love and support for anything and everything he wants to do. My favorite scripture is ringing in my head "Adam fell that men might be, men are that they might have joy" I may not be at my happy ending for sure, but this is also a good part to enjoy. I'm coming to a good spot. I'm having fun and learning to find myself again. I'm working hard so I can give Max a better life and future. I am so thankful for the sure knowledge that if I work hard and stay faithful, the Lord will not forget me.

He hasn't forgotten me. He's carried me these last couple of months and I know I wouldn't be where I am today if it hadn't been for His constant love and guidance in my life. It's so hard to know all of this and still have a broken heart. Shouldn't I be satisfied with knowing everything will be ok? Probably.

Dear Santa

2011-12-07T10:25:00.001-08:00

I believed in Santa until I was about 10 years old. I wrote to him nearly every day of December and would feel so bad any time I wasn't nice to my sister because FOR SURE Santa had seen that... and had placed me on the naughty list.

Now, as I pass on my tradition of writing to Santa to my child, I think of the sweetness that comes with "believing." Max is finally excited about Christmas. This year, he's spending it with the Hills and I know how much fun he is going to have opening presents and playing with his toys out there. I'm sad that I'll miss his Christmas morning but he'll get to do it again with me once he's back. I think that's why this year I've really had to harness in my desires to buy him EVERYTHING a little boy would want. I can't buy him things to love me more... But I can spoil him anyway :).

Anyway, all this little guy wants for Christmas is a bike... His eyes get all glazed over in delight when he sees another kid riding a bike. This almost makes me forget the true meaning of Christmas!!
In other news, we have successfully driven around and delivered cards, banana breads, apple pies, and we'll be working on cookies. Wish us luck! Merry Christmas!

The Best Banana Bread Recipe

2011-12-05T08:15:00.000-08:00

I learned the art of baking out of sheer necessity. I am not a baker, per say. I have an innate fear of burning things or messing ingredients up. But, after many years of doing such things, I am finding myself to be a pretty decent cook. I can throw pretty much anything together and have it come out well. (Mom, it's finally happening for me!! I may be a late bloomer, but I am finally turning into a master cook!!). By master, I mean that I have more than five recipes up my sleeve.

ANYWAY- I just wanted to share this incredible banana bread recipe that I love to use. In fact, I've used it a dozen times in the last two weeks and it has proven itself delicious each AND every time. I'm sorry for bragging. But I am coming out of my shell and becoming a cook. Confession: I actually love it so much!! It's been such a great stress reliever. Ok, well, enough chatting. Here is

the BEST BANANA BREAD RECIPE. ever.

4 mashed bananas (the browner, the better!)

2 cups of flour

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp. of salt
1/4 tsp. of baking soda (SODA not powder)

1/4 cup of nuts

1 cube of butter

2 eggs

I mix all my dry ingredients first. Then I add the other stuff. Mix it all together and put it in a pan (5 x 9). Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour.

Doesn't this look amazing?? I could eat this every single day.

Let it cool, slice it, throw some butter on it, and enjoy!! (butter always makes everything so much more delicious :))

Another Day at the Office

2011-12-01T08:26:00.001-08:00

I often find myself gazing outside of my windowless office, wondering about what my future holds. I used to be such a stickler to plans and for the first time in my life, I have no plan. I live every day to the fullest and wake up with a sense of wonder. I go through my daily routine and from time to time, I catch myself smiling and laughing. I think I'm on to something here. I'm starting to really enjoy life. I never thought I would have a lot of money or be the perfect housewife. I always saw myself working for non-profit organizations and poor people. I am the little peoples' advocate through and through. I saw myself in a house big enough to house a half a dozen children with all sorts of different personalities. It's during those moments when I sit down and wonder the "what ifs" that I have to take a step back from the fast paced world and find my center. I am not even close to ever reaching 6 children, however, I do have one incredible child who rules my life. He shows me patience and love, charity and humility. He is my first thought in the morning and the last one before I go to sleep. True love has got nothin' on this :). As always, I am a skeptic and think that there may not be happy endings for everyone. Yet, when I wake up to baby kisses and hugs, I don't really care about how the "end" really turns out. I am enjoying the middle part of my journey, that is enough for me right now.

This boy did not like rollerblading this summer (remember uncle Paul and aunt Brianna?? Now, we can't get these skates off of him. He loved rollerblading and I guess I'll have to get my skates back on to enjoy precious moments together. Isn't he sooo handsome and big??

I'm excited for Christmas. It brings back so many good memories of my childhood and adolescent years. I remember nearly sitting under the mistletoe so a boy I had a crush on would accidentally walk under it (no it never worked for me haha) or the time my parents decided we were going to give Christmas instead of receiving any gifts. That was one of my favorite Christmases to date. I was able to travel up and down the coast of Mexico in a big ol' Ford truck and hand out shoes, blankets, toys, hygiene products, and most of all, love. I learned to love my fellow men by serving them (and yes, I may be a little teary as I write this). What more can I teach my child about this special holiday?? I am a firm believer in a handful of toys, baking sugar cookies, and writing to Santa. But all those things aside, I am also a humanitarian in the sense that I love being there for others when they are in need. Service was ingrained in me and I'm so thankful that I was raised that way. I wouldn't be who I am today without the knowledge I have of loving all of God's children.

We met so many families living together in really desolate areas, with a goat or cow for milk and cheese. I can't wait to do this again with my children at an age where they can understand the meaning of service and sacrifice :)

I know He's a grown man in this one, but I love any images with Jesus and little children!

I want Max to have a Christ-centered Christmas. Toys are fun to receive, don't get me wrong. But there is so much more joy in seeing someone less fortunate or who has gone through a really hard time smile again. I will always be a poor person because I love to give to everyone. Some see it as a character flaw, I see it as part of who I am. I remember when we were very little and my parents were struggling to get things for Christmas. Mom was heavily pregnant with my little brother and all of their lives savings were going to this unborn child's delivery. Mom, being the great person she is, made us homemade dresses and other great things. Dad worked hard to get me a barbie I had been starry eyed for for months. A few days before Christmas, there was a knock on our door. When we opened it, there were bagfuls of girl clothes, jackets, coats, and plenty of toys for my little sister and I to share. Under the bags, we found lots of goodies, a ham and everything else to go with it to make a delicious Sunday meal. I saw the tears in my parents eyes and I felt (as a child) so blessed. We had not been forgotten. Now, years later, we can return the favor to help another young family struggling to get through the holidays.

These are the colors I want to use for my Christmas tree that isn't up yet... But it should be after this weekend!

I'm excited for this Christmas season and I'm so thankful that I get a whole month to remember the birth of Christ.

Potty Training Woes

2011-11-14T10:47:00.000-08:00

I love blogs, especially mommy ones. If any of you read this, feel free to give me some insights.

You see, I have a real problem, the type that can't be fixed. My problem involves a definite fear of changing diapers and cleaning up vomit. Just the thought of doing those things makes me gag (seriously, my trash can is right next to me as I speak). My gag reflex is a pretty bad one. When I was a little kid, I would barf just by seeing another kid eating his lunch (if it looked disgusting). One of my most horrifying memories happened in kindergarten. We had been told that we would eat green eggs and ham, in honor of Dr. Seuss. I was so excited to eat green eggs and ham, until they sat the plate before me. I ruined that day for a lot of excited kindergarteners and after throwing up, I was swiftly sent home. The next time they did anything remotely cool, they asked my parents to come just to make sure I wouldn't barf if something grossed me out. See, there is no stopping that from coming. It probably explains why I threw up seven times a day while I was pregnant.
I know this is referring to a lot of gross things but here's the deal. I can't potty train. In fact, my child can pretty much change his own diaper and I can't handle being a bad mother any longer. I love Max so much. I.Just.Can't.Handle.Potty.Training. He was pretty much set to go but a few messes happened and I gave up. I know, how could I ?? But it was embarrassing for even me to hear my child comfort me any time something grossed me out. He's even used to it by now. Poor guy. I don't mean to be that way but this is getting out of control. Does anyone know of any anti-sickness pills?? Should I just take whatever I took while I was pregnant for the REST OF MY LIFE so this doesn't continue to happen??

My child is pretty much potty trained. He sits and goes on the big toilet (don't even get me started on the little kid potties) but sometimes he forgets to tells me (he has a diaper so I guess he thinks, eh, whatever). I just don't want my issues to prevent Max from being the best he can be. I mean, he's heard about this since the womb. I hope I don't scar him for life.

Oh well, these are my potty training woes. I want to do it. I want to help him. He knows how to do it... Why am I having such a hard time transitioning?? Most moms want their kids to be potty trained. Today, motherhood is a lot harder than usual because today I'm facing my fears.

I'm recommitting to potty training max over the thanksgiving break. I may or may not post a lot of updates on how awful/great it's going. Any ideas would be appreciated.

11.11.11

2011-11-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

Today I would like to do a shout out to the Hills. They have many, many family members who served in the Armed forces. So much so, that Justin was actually the first (in a long time, I think)in his family to go on a mission from his side of the family because his great-grandpa served in World War I, his grandpa served in World War II, and his dad went to West Point (at the time, they weren't given time off to go on a mission, so he stayed there and did his schooling). Three years ago, Justin joined the family tradition and joined the Army National Guard in Idaho. He excelled while in boot camp and has done very well since then. The legacy this family has in defending and sacrificing for the nation is a huge one. They sacrificed time, energy, and family time to make their communities and the world a better place. I am grateful for their sacrifice.

the hill boys after Cody and Zach got their Eagle Scouts. 2009

Cindy (wearing army mom shirt) and Jerry (Justin's dad) and Maxi :)

Thanks Justin, Max is proud of you and loves you so much. He will learn through your example of dedication and selflessness. Thank you Jerry, for serving in the military for so long and for the love that you bring to people around you.

Justin after boot camp graduation with our good friend Erin

My heart and love pours out to all of those that have lost family members or have family abroad serving in our armed forces. Freedom doesn't come free. It takes the most valiant of heart to do what needs to be done. I know I had the hardest time letting Justin join the army. I was scared. I didn't want to sacrifice someone I loved, but in supporting him, I found a newfound love and dedication for the people in the military.
I sent some cards overseas and got some packages together for our men in Afghanistan. They asked for simple things: good toilet paper, toothpaste, books. They ask for the simplest things.

"For it has been said so truthfully that it is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the agitator, who has given us the freedom to protest. It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves beneath the flag, whose coffin is draped by the flag, who gives that protester the freedom to abuse and burn that flag."- Zell Miller

For Those of You Who Know Me...

2011-11-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

If you know me, you know I love being Thankful. I have always tried to let people I love that I love them. It's what I do. I have always been that way. I think that's why I love Thanksgiving. I haven't been a fan of the history behind Thanksgiving (that's a whole other blog) but I am grateful to be in a country where we set apart a day just for giving Thanks.

I am blessed to have wonderful parents, great leaders, and awesome friends in my life. I was given my greatest blessing on March 27, 2009 when I was able to experience Motherhood.

For those of you who have known me for a looong time... You know how terrified I was of motherhood and of being a stay at home mom. I wanted to be a career woman my whole life. The moment I held little Maxi in my arms, all of my dreams turned to mush and I couldn't imagine why I would want to be anywhere else other than with that little guy. What a blessing he is to me and a great example of love. I love him more than I can describe. He is my reason for being.

I am soooo Thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. It changed my whole perspective on life. I wasn't always LDS and so I have an outsiders perspective (a little bit) of what life is like without the gospel. It is simply unfulfilling. What's so great about where I worship is that we get to know the people around us, becoming nearly family, and we help each other in the best and worst of times. We value hard work and try to love all of our spiritual brothers and sisters. What a blessing it is to be able to bear Christ's name.

I am thankful for families and the great calling it is to have a family here on Earth.

I am thankful for politics because they give me a sense of discovery and newfound joy every time I feel like I have finally figured out the best way to help the status quo in this country.

What's the Deal with Mitt Romney??

2011-11-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

So, as many of you know... I love politics. I love debating ideas with people, hearing other points of views, and trying to keep my mind open to new information. It's a thrill. I think runners and athletes get that same feeling when they're doing their passion (I'm referring to exercise here). Unless you have been living under a rock, I'm sure you have at least heard of the controversies Mitt Romney is facing in the 2012 election, mostly non that have to do with his policies. This is the part of politics that really irritates me. I don't care if the guy is brown, yellow, or red. But don't mess with his religion. We're living in a free country where we are all allowed to worship as we please. If there was a guy who was Atheist and still had great moral beliefs, great political agendas, and done good things in his life, I would vote for him. I know a lot of people will disagree with me. But this is my blog with my personal points of view.

~Growing up, my very best childhood friend was Atheist. Like, completely. She believed that Aliens were going to take over the world, we would change to look like them, and our pinkies would fall off (give her a break, we were in the 4th grade when she confessed her beliefs!). Yet, she was the most morally virtuous person I knew. She never disobeyed her parents. She never drank or smoked in high school. She never cursed. She was the prime example of a good moral person and yet she had no believe in God. When everyone else (all the "good moral Christian kids) were having bad parties, drinking, smoking, I was hanging out with this girl. Boy am I glad I did. She has grown up into a great human being and although we don't talk much about religion, I love her and she loves me and she loves Mormons because they've been nice to her. She would have my vote in any election. Too bad she hates politics.

BACK TO MITT:

I will let the facts speak for themselves. He was the governor of Massachusetts back in 2003-07. He did a great job while in office. He managed to turned the ailing economy of the great state of MA into a thriving one once he left office. Before this- he was a successful business man, turned companies into thriving ones, and even helped during the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. They had reached a crisis and he was able to lead the way out. He has a lot of experience from working in the private sector. He's been involved in politics for a long time (his dad and mom). Whether he's Mormon or not... That is not the question. The real question is whether or not he is qualified. With all the expertise of a 23 1/2 year old Political Science Grad, I say a very strong YES. Now, I'm still waiting to hear back about some other social issues Mitt and I don't see eye to eye. But he has everything it takes to be a strong leader. I just hope Americans take the ignorance out of their hearts and look at a Man for what he is worth and what he can do for his country.

Confession: I never thought I'd ever vote Republican (unless Ronald Reagan came back from the dead...) but I'm very impressed by what I see, and I'm a skeptic. I guess never is a strong word. There are just some things that are deal breakers. What can I say? I'm all about people's rights, WOMENS rights, and I love minorities.

He's got the looks, the words, the integrity, the moral justice, and not gonna lie... a little bit of swag.

Lately I've Been...

2011-10-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

CRAFTY. I love crafts.

I think there is a part of me that has actually matured into a woman. I used to hate crafts. I'm not the most artistic to say the least. But motherhood has sparked in me a desire to have a beautifully decorated house, matchings pillows, and the urgency to sew like my life depends on it. I'm still wondering if I've been partly possessed by aliens because I haven't felt this way since three years ago... when I first found out I was pregnant with Max. Although the urgency to do all those things subsided, the urgency has come back. Weird, I know. Maybe it's a three year cycle. It goes away, comes back for a year, then goes away again. I haven't figured it out. I'm working on some pretty cool pillow cushions, trying to convince my parents that they need leather couches, and figuring out how to decorate the house while making it all seem like it's something my mom wants. I hope she doesn't read this blog today (nervous haha).

This is what it should looked like...

This is what the other one should look like...

I'm EXCITED!!

2011-10-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ok the last post was a little too much info. But I'm like that. I just wanted all ya'll to look up Hilary Weeks. She has great music at an affordable price. I like her lyrics. I couldn't upload her music on this thing (sorry guys haven't figured it out) but youtube her and you'll hear her great music!!

this is hilary. she is a true musician.

I Misspoke

2011-10-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Every little Thing is Gonna be Alright

Ok, so I claimed to come all out on my 100th post. But honestly, I don't think there's much to talk about. My life is really not that exciting. I also realized that I don't need to confess everything on a blog strangers and friends can read. My friends know what has happened in my life in the last year, and that's all that matters. I've been through a lot of trying times. Satan knows how to get to a family and he's cunning. He tried to ruin my life. Pretty much the story of the last year. But I hung on to the gospel with everything I had and now, I am a new and improved Ruby. I know what I stand for. I'm grateful that I stuck to my values and principles. With the gospel, two things happen. 1.) you embrace it for all it's worth and work every single day to become a better person or 2.) you go innactive because church is a lot of work.

SHOUT OUT TO my FAMILY:

I know families can be together forever. I know that Christ atoned for our sins. I'm so thankful of the love and support I have received from my family. I wouldn't be at this stage of life if I hadn't had the full backing of my family.

SHOUT OUT TO MY BEST FRIENDS:

Where to begin?? Late night chats, daily phone calls, fasting and praying, constant encouragement, venting galore... The list is endless. It's still a relief to know that I can call someone and have them be there for me. I lost many friends in the last year (which seriously, broke my heart) but that was their choice.

What's the most difficult thing: The hardest thing for me is having been judged for what happened. People who didn't know me or the situation were completely awful. I used to go home in tears after church nearly every Sunday. I think that was my tough situation. I wanted to please everyone. I wanted people to be proud of me and I wanted them to be kind. I didn't expect such a negative backlash but people are only human and predisposed to their natural man tendencies.

Saying divorce is such a cliche and it was hard to finally come out and say that word. I am divorced. There is no way around it. I can't avoid the question any longer. Yet, I have the sure knowledge that if I do what is best, I will be ok. Does that make me feel better? Only on good days. I miss the life I planned to have. There's another confession. I think it's easier to say it on blog than it is to come out and say it to the world (aka facebook). I never planned to be divorced in MY LIFE. I mean, I'm definitely pro-families. I don't think my family has had a true divorce in the last 400 years. Staunch catholicism got in the way of that for my ancestors and I'm sure a lot of them were crazy in love with each other such as my parents. At first, I would justify the divorce to my best friends. I felt like I had to tell the whole world about my pain. Then I stopped and realized: this is a choice no one else can make but me. So no one else should really know the details but the three parties involved.

I can't wait for the day that my heart doesn't hurt; or to be able to sing "Families Can be Together Forever" without bawling through the last two verses. I've been primary pianist these last few weeks and every other song they sing is about Families and Temples. Two things I definitely believe in and have strong feelings about. So, I sit behind the piano and cry.

I am grateful to have the Spirit in my life. Through all of this I have drawn closer to my Father in Heaven more so than ever in my whole life. He's been my constant guide and provided much needed comfort. He has not forsaken me. I know I sound really religious and preachy-ish right now, but really, I am an imperfect person who has true Faith and a testimony of Jesus Christ. To not share that with all ya'll in this post would be to deny all the Love my Father has given me throughout my life and especially during these hard times. He has carried me.

I'm focusing on: Max, education, work. I really hope I get into law school or a grad school program. I'm so nervous about going back to school but it feels right. Do I have any desires to date? That would be a very staunch NEGATIVE. I know many people who start dating as soon as they sign the papers, but my slight catholicism culture (hispanic-ness) tells me I need to take it really really slow in that department and fix myself. Just thinking about this topic makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, yeah I'm sure eventually it will happen. But as of today, my swift answer is a no. So for those of you that were thinking of mentioning your best friend's brother, sister-in-law's older siblings brother, or any form of brother to me, I have a couple of girlfriends looking for husbands and I can send the word out. I have one little man that owns my heart and that is enough for me :).

Starting over: Starting over sucks. I don't have a better way of saying it. Who likes to start over? Not this creature of habit. It was really hard to adjust to being the working single mom. First, I loved being home with my baby. Second, I was really adjusting to my staying at home life. There's never a dull day. I do like that I'm advancing at my work and getting to know some top dogs at the state level. I like training and teaching people. I love that I can take a day off for being sick or for little Max. It's not ideal but then again, I'm sure most moms feel the same way when they have to leave their kiddos at home. I am not alone in this. It's sad that there are so many working mothers and it's sad that I too have become part of a growing statistic. Yet, I have the words of the prophets and countless priesthood holders on speed dial to give me blessings and guidance in my life.

Stay Tuned...

2011-10-14T12:35:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple of friend's commenting on my personal life, what's going on, where I'm at, why Justin is missing from my posts, where the heck I'm located these days... The list is endless, really.

So stay tuned. I will be coming all out on my 100th post.

I'm not ready to write it. So give me some time. I'll explain. Maybe.

Last Night's Republican Debate

2011-10-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

I think someone should tell Cain to go home. His ideas are just not congruent with whom I wish to see in the White House. Ron Paul is just too old but must be really rich to keep trying to win the Republican candidacy every election. Don't get me wrong. For years, I was a secret Ron Paul admirer, however, you can only debate legalizing marijuana for so long. I agree with him trying to stop the federal government and state government from regulating my life and how I wish to live it.

* Ron Paul: "I think Israel should be in charge of their sovereignty" (so if we believe that, I think we should stop funding them billions of dollars).

*Gov. Huntsman: believes we shouldn't charge China or any foreign country tariffs. - On this, I guess it all depends on how we view capitalism. Do we love it or hate it? That's what will change the outcome of the question.

Social Issues:

Stem-Cell Research: Ok, honestly, I think there's too much debate on this. Mostly because there are people dying every day because of lack of organs that could have been developed by stemcell research. Or perhaps they deserve to die since they don't have the ability to keep their own bodies alive without some sort of help. This whole argument angers me because I have been a lifelong diabetic. I haven't ever been obese. I didn't cause my diabetes to happen, yet I am marked for the rest of my life simply because my pancreas doesn't work. I can't get health insurance, I can't get cheap life insurance (I have a higher death rate than most people I presume), and my liberties are being taken away by people who are judging me based on pre-existing conditions.

Welfare- ah, always my favorite topic. I would just like to say that for those that argue about poor people being able to live off the system, it's not always true. There are hard working people who have lost their jobs and cannot physically sustain themselves. This is where the government comes in. I am a young, poor, single mother. I make under the state average. Yet, I don't qualify for any government assistance. So what do I do? I pray that I don't get sick. It's a scary life to live, knowing that if something were to happen to me, I would be in a lot of debt. Frankly, why aren't we talking about real issues? Like why doctors make so much money and get to charge us (or our insurance) ridiculous amounts of money?? That doesn't make sense to me. I also don't want to hear from the conservatives who are living off the government right now (by having MEDICAID, MEDICARE, FOOD STAMPS) because you don't make sense to me. You complain about taxes and people who mooch off the government, let me tell you a secret : you are one of those too. It's ok to admit it. Just stop acting like you hate people who live off the government. And the whole : "well I pay my taxes thing..." yeah I pretty much don't buy that either. I think since I don't qualify for any benefits, neither should you. Then that'll help you think twice about who you'll vote for the next election. On a side note, most people on welfare really aren't paying taxes. They get taxes taken out of what they make and then receive a tax return at the end of the year.

CHINA- use trade laws aggresively. we need to get more governors together and exploit the opportunities that exist for exporters. You have to be cautious when dealing with China. I don't think we should make them angry because we owe them tons of money. If there are two people I don't want knocking on my door, that would be the Russians or the Chinese. They both instill fear into me. We need to focus on how to get us all working again. We need to be inspired as Americans, we need to become actively engaged (sounds like an LDS term).

999- just sounds like a bad idea.

I like Huntsman and Romney out of the Republican candidates. I mean, Ron Paul was my man for a long time but off with the old and on with the new. Romney is on top of his game and has an ACTUAL plan. He knows what he's going to do, how he's going to do it, where he's going to do it, etc. We need someone with a plan who isn't just making false promises.

I hope whoever reads this realizes that yes, I'm throwing my opinions out there and being completely honest about how I feel.

GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS...

2011-10-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

IT'S POLITICS TIME!!! I'm so so so excited! I don't think I was this excited three years ago because this year, I think "change" is about to happen. For all of you that know me, you know my political stances and know that I'm a southern liberal. I'm a traditionalist through and through. If you didn't know, I guess now you do. My political affiliation does not mean that I will solely vote for liberals. In fact, I'm sad by what has happened to my political party. Things are just not what they were, that's for sure.

I think part of the reason I'm so excited is because Mitt is running. I think I'm going to be an independent voter this time around. I'm ready to see what each candidate has to offer and hear what he/she thinks. I'm no fan of Michelle or Gov. Perry. So we'll have to see what they say any way. For those of you who hate politics, you just might want to ignore my posts for these next few weeks. I'm going to be completely honest here: I'm about to unleash my personal opinions on people and my preferences about candidates. If you do like politics, please feel free to share your thoughts and opinions. I welcome all sides to come across party lines and have some good debates. That's the best part of politics!

I Did It!!

2011-10-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

I have often watched marathon runners finish and although they're tired, it's easy to see how accomplished they feel. I experienced that this weekend. I partook in something I had been dreaming of doing for the last, oh I don't know, 13 years. I took the LSAT. I have no idea how well I did but I feel accomplished in the fact that I followed through with something I've wanted to do for a very long time. The LSAT is hard. Haha. But at least I took it and now I know what to expect if I need to take it again (except I really hope I don't because that is another $140 out of my pocket!!).

The image above is an excellent picture of J.Lo doing a marathon. I want to do that one day... If I could only find the pleasure in exercising!!

I loved general conference this past weekend as well. I loved that every time I go to watch conference with a question, it gets answered. I was having a hard time with knowing that things in my future will be ok. I really REALLY wish I could have a crystal ball and look into it, just to know what lies in my future. Unfortunately, I don't have one. When I sat in Conference and heard all the wonderful talks about the plan of Happiness, my heart was filled with peace and love. I'm so thankful that we get to hear words of the prophet.

Max update: He's getting pretty excited about Halloween!!! I've been cheating by having him practice saying trick or treat AND giving him goodies. But it's October... so this whole month can be halloween right?? He's going to be soooo cute in his halloween outfit!! I can't wait to pull it all off!

Family Update: I'm applying to Law Schools all over the country, taking the practice in the Spring... so if I don't get into law school then I'm definitely getting my Masters in Education. Let's just hope some kind of future schooling works out! I've started my yearly diet (right before the holidays too... that might be a bad idea). Since I've been working so hard, I decided to treat myself to watching ALL THE RAZORBACK GAMES. GOOOO HOOOGSSS!!! And I'm going to my old High School football games. For those of you that AREN'T from the south, HS football is a very, very big deal. I can't wait to cheer on my Mounties and wear all my old BLUE and WHITE shirts. Those are the best colors ever! I'm also excited to see my best friend Lindy who's in Scotland right now and I'm SOOO excited for my little sister Sally's baby boy! He's due this month and I can't wait to meet that little munchkin

This is a fierce razorback... GOOOO HAAAWWWGGGSSS!!!! PIG SUUUIIIEEE!!!

STUDY TIME... AGAIN!

2011-09-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

So, as many of you know, I've wanted to be a lawyer since the womb. I blame it on the fact that my mother named me after a civil rights case involving a little African American girl named Ruby. Oh- and I was born on Martin Luther King Day. I kind of attribute my infinite obsession with law and government to these key people that I have admired and loved my whole life.

Well, I think my dreams may come true. I am taking the LSAT on Saturday, October 1st. For those of you who read this BEFORE then, I would encourage you to include me in your prayers!!

I never really thought I would be going back to school right now. I figured it would be something I would do later. But with a turn of events, I have realized that I need a stable job that I love to support my family. I'm so grateful that I got my Bachelor's Degree at BYUI because I would not be able to start law school without it. I am hopeful that I will do well enough to get into school.

I'm sooo nervous, it feels like I'm about to take a HUGE dive into the unknown. Thank goodness Heavenly Father knows me and my needs.

A SHOUT OUT to my ROOTS!!!

2011-09-16T08:54:00.000-07:00

Mexico lindo y querido!! Que digan que estoooyyyy dormido, y que me traigan aqui, Mexico lindo y querido, si muero lejos de ti!!
Today is Mexico's Independence Day. They've been independent from Spain for 201 years. My families (mom and dad's side) both are filled with terrible/great stories of how my ancestors came to this country looking for a better future. They were some of the ones who exploited the natives, took their women, and had babies. It's kind of a bleak family history. My mother's side is filled with Germans and Spaniards. In fact, I hardly have any native in me. Which is the reason why I'm an olive complexion. I can't tan and I don't get too pale (unless I'm in Rexburg). The only reason I look tan is because of spray tans... that's right, my secret is out. I have disgraced my Mexican roots.
I'm grateful for that country because that's where my family truly began. I wish I had more ties to it but I am an American through and through. I will always hold Mexico in my heart and I hope one day it rises to be the great nation it has potential to become. I hope its government can take a stance against all the tyranny that dwells within its borders. I hope the lovely people of Mexico get to experience what they should as citizens of a nation. They are patriotic. Their food is good. Their climates are incredible. I wish so much for them to not be separated from their families due to hunger, street wars, and unemployment.

Mexico is rich in resources, culture, and language. I am biased but their food is incredible. I love that once you are friends, you are friends for life. Mexicans are some of the most loyal people I know. First, because I'm one of them. Second, because it is taught from a young age. We love our young, respect our elderly, and don't mind throwing a party every other weekend :)

This is Mexico. I know you love it as much as I do...uence is very prominent throughout Mexico. They left their legacy behind for sure. One of our great grandpas was an Irish sailor who joined the Spanish. Hence, I have red headed Mexican cousins. And- yes I'm a little Irish as well.
This is the Mexican Temple in Mexico City. This is where my dad was born.

You're only 23 and You're still mad at Me...

2011-09-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

This was the song I used to sing when I was 17. I used to jam to it in my sporty, incredily hott chevy camaro. I loved Yellowcard and the American Rejects. I still do. In fact, I'm listening to them right now as we speak because their music can really reach my soul sometimes.
I ate a sandwich today, wheat bread and mustard. It was delicious. Mustard kills bacteria and since giving up mayo during my Lint years... I am still in love with it. I am also putting off work I should be doing but I do get a fifteen minute break and this is better than gossiping with the girls in the office.
I forgot my makeup bag at home today so I had to bribe and coerce my other friend into letting me borrow her makeup bag. I swore to not have any forms of transferable diseases and I'm glad I've lived a chaste and virtuous life because it saved my face!!
Max is growing like a weed and talking up a storm. He's hilarious. He reminds me that every day can be better and he's a constant reminder of my blessings. I am going through the worst heartbreak but at the same time I know my Father loves me and that things will turn out ok. I may not have all the answers but I have faith.

FREEDOM

2011-09-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

I'm proud to be an American,
where our flags fly high in the sky.
I'm proud to be an AMerican,
and have protectors day and night.
I'm proud to be an American,
where I can practice my civil liberties.
I'm proud to be an American,
where I can dream or say whatever I please.

I'm grateful for the men and women who sacrifice their time and energy into protecting our country. I know first hand what it's like to have a loved one join the military and send them off to training... Training we all hope they must never really use. However, we've been in a war for over a decade, the longest American war as of yet. I know these men and women train in order to go and serve. They're excited and nervous to do so. I don't understand their courage but I am grateful for it.

Our Vacation Time

2011-08-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

BUCKET LIST: This is Mt. Timpanogas and it is the tenth temple I have visited in my life! It was beautiful and I am glad to know that the Spirit dwells in all the Temples. I am thankful for them!!

I know I am terrible with pictures, so I feel like I should get "some" kind of award for taking a few pics while out in Utah. I couldn't believe how much I had missed Utah and the people there. It really is an incredible place. I love that people are nice, there are temples, and families are everywhere. I think my perception of Utah/Idaho had changed for awhile because I was just tired of the atmosphere but now, looking back, I was lucky to spend four years out there, surrounded by kind people. I also feel very blessed to have gone to BYUI. I may have complained a lot at the time, yet today I feel immensely grateful for the opportunity I had to study there, grow, and find lifelong friends. I'm sorry to all my Idaho and Utah friends I didn't visit. I drove out to Utah with my Max and little sister Andrea. It was a long trip and we were there for less than a week. We had to pack up stuff, load it on a trailer, and have friends haul my stuff home, so it wasn't a long vacation. I am glad we took that time for Max and I to really enjoy our summer together. I feel like I don't get enough time with him sometimes and it breaks my heart. I'm just lucky he's so patient and loving. I love my little man :).

These are the Hoggs. I have known Em since I was nine and we became good friends in high school. She and her hubby are still going to BYU and I love them :)

This is Brianna. She's going to kill me when she sees I've re-posted this pic but I didn't get many pics with her. So this will have to do. We had fed Max a little lemon. This pic doesn't do the face he made justice.

This is my old roomate Hailey. We always have a good time when we hang out! Love you girl!!

Bad day turned good.

2011-08-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

Things that went bad today:
1. I slept in too late
2. my shower was cold
3. max cried when i woke him up
4. max being mad at me
5. arriving at work and not finding half my files
6. finding out I need to majorly purge some friends from my life
7. finding the time to purge such friends
8. missing part of my heart
Things that went well today:
1. My boss was cool about my arrival at work
2. Some stuff i don't have to have done until monday
3. I get to make some more money today
4. It's Frisco Festival and I'm determined to make it!!!
5. Seeing Jim's son give a concert tonight in Fayetteville
6. Going home to my lovely baby
7. I ate some good Chinese food with my great friend Carmen
8. Realizing that tomorrow should be a better day
9. I put gas in my car

I don't like the melancholy feeling of things not being in the right place. I hate reminding myself of why I'm really here and where I am going. Being sad is difficult because I know that people are much worse off than I am, yet I feel justified in being a little sad. My heart aches for many reasons. I don't like people who are mean. I feel sad for them because they are missing something in their lives and feel like they need to punish everyone else for their lack of whatever it is. I wish we had more nice people in the world. I wish people would stop gossiping about dumb things and look at their personal flaws. I feel sorry for people who have to lie to themselves and everyone around them when you can see their unhappiness in their eyes. My heart hurts for little kids who have no parents. The world is filled with a lot of good but today I just feel sad for all those that are suffering. I don't know how Heavenly Father handles all of it, His children misbehaving, not following His counsel, etc. He is such an incredible Father. I need to be a little stronger on days like this... however, I guess a little empathy is good once in a while :)

There is a Castle on a cloud

2011-08-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

"There is a castle on a cloud, I like to go there in my sleep..." I feel like I could use any Les Miserables song to go along with my current life. I find myself starring at clouds and like a small child, trying to decipher what their shapes really are. The other day, as I was watching a cloud car and bunny zoom by, I thought of how our lives can become like those clouds. They have no foundations. They're made from significant condensation (build up of evaporated water). I decided that day that I did not want to be a cloud or live my life in that way. I know it sounds really cheesy... But I couldn't shake the feeling of what my life would be like as a cloud.

I've seen many people just live their lives. They sleep, eat, work, sleep... That is their cycle. They don't enjoy the beauties of life. They breathe the air because they must. Their desire to grow and become better people isn't there.

I don't know if it's the survival "animal" inside me, but I have this raw drive to become a better woman. I want to be my best self, starting with my habits now. I am not perfect in any sense of the word, nor do I claim to have any sort of ambition in that direction, but I do have an inert desire to be a better person for my family and for myself. I keep writing about this and so finally, I have started developing those habits that will help me become a better person. I look at my beautiful child and think of what type of man will he become??? The habits he learns as a little child and young adult will inevitably shape and mold him into the man he will be.

I want him to enjoy the beauty of life. I want him to look at his parents and know that they love him. I wish for him to see the sacrifices made for him and strive to better himself and his posterity. Above all else, I want him to know that he has a loving Heavenly Father that will never leave his side.

It would be nice to have a castle in the clouds but realistically, that isn't going to happen any time soon. I am happy and glad to have two feet planted on the ground; nevertheless I am also grateful for the ability to dream and enjoy my imagination once in a while.

Hard Women

2011-08-11T12:17:00.001-07:00

I work in an office setting. I don't mind it at all and because we're nearly all women, we have a lot of fun together. I love that most of us are locals and so we know a lot of what the culture is like down here. Although the Civil War has been over and done with for 100+ years, the culture hasn't changed that much. Southern men and women carry the same characteristics their forefathers had.

Southern women are still classy. They speak in sweet drawls and understand the power of persuasion. They have no desire to be exactly like men because they know that they're way cooler than the men (haha it's true). I think that in today's society, women have to work hard to get the same respect and status as men. Women are still paid less than men (in all fields of work) and more is expected out of them. Nevertheless, we have more women CEO's, administrators, VPs than ever before. But something has been lost: femininity. Women aren't soft, delicate, gentle, or kind anymore. It's been lost through competition for better positions.

I love being in the South because women down here know that they are smart and successful. Yet, they're still soft and delicate, kind and gentle. I love being a woman. I love dressing up and doing my hair. I am learning to love high heels and I've embraced dresses. I love knowing that I'm different from the male species. I don't think I'm better than men but I do know that I'm distinctively incomparable to them (and that is fine by me). I wish that women in the corporate world everywhere could realize that they really can have it all: classy, delicate, sweet, and still come off victorious in the corporate world. Thus, ladies please enjoy your nature. Enjoy being different and embrace all that is good and pure. We are the future mothers and it is in use to nurture and love. We will have created a better world if we learn how to complete our role (which inherently becomes our responsibility)

Ok- so Scarlet O'Hara isn't the best example of a classy southern lady, but I just finished Gone with the Wind and she kind of inspired this whole note. Thanks Scarlet!

My Tender MERCY

2011-08-05T09:32:00.000-07:00

Today my heart is overfilled with tender mercies from the Lord. He knows me. He loves me. He wants me to be happy. I was very miserable last night missing my little guy.

I got to talk to my little man today and it made me realize that without him in my life, I wouldn't know joy and love as I do today.

Maxfield, behave yourself. Mommy loves you soooo much. You're the best, handsomest, awesomest boy in the world!!!

Yes the Pictures are Stolen

2011-08-02T10:24:00.001-07:00

UPDATE OF MAXFIELD

I'm not good at pictures. Hence my last post. But I saw these pics on Justin's facebook and they were just too cute not to share (of Max of course :)). He's growing like a weed and on vacation with the Hills. I can't believe how big my little man is!! He is starting to say full sentence and I hate to brag but he is FLUENT in Spanish. That's right. He's probably better at it than his mother. But hey, he's got some good smart genes in him!

Things he can say:

"Thankum (thank you and your welcome)"

"More please"

"Awesome!"

"I'll be back!" (he says that when he holds his nose and goes underwater while we're swimming
"We don't hit" (I say that a lot because we're working on manners)

"I love you!" my fave

Songs he sings " Come Thou Fount" "I am a child of God" "If you're happy and you know it...." And the list goes on and on. He's so darling.

He's also very athletic and doesn't get that from me. He actually loves to run around. I was always a lathargic person. Why work out when you can sleep or eat good food with friends?

He's such a great example of love and it's funny to see his personality grow. He's very headstrong and friendly. He doesn't mind taking command leading the way for other kids his age. He's also quite tall for his age. He's in the 90%. Which if you know Justin or me, you know that is a HUGE fluke because we're both short. Come on Max! You can be 5' 8"!!!

I Never Post with Pics

2011-07-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

I never post with pics. Don't be surprised that there aren't any pics on this one either. I promise to post all the lovely pictures I've been taking of Max and our lovely vacation.

I have finally gotten all things in order and I feel so peaceful. I stress a lot about finances, chores, life, and sometimes death. I would love to be around for all of Max's life and such but we never know when we are going to get the call to return home. However, I've received a lot of help in this department and if I were to pass away, Max would be taken care of for a bit. Yes, I got life insurance. It was a great deal and if any of you guys have questions... Let me know. I'll hook it up!! Well, I'll get you the name of my agent and then he'll take over from there.

I never thought I would return to Provo as a vacation area but since being back, I remember why I loved traveling down here when I was in Idaho. There is so much to do and people are nice. There are temples all over this area and it feels a little like home. I've missed this feeling. I'm grateful for my best friends I've spent time with and especially for Brianna and Paul and Emily and David. You ladies are amazing and I'm lucky to have you in my life!! And your husbands are nice too.

I'm so grateful for the pioneers who sacrificed everything they had in order to create a better life for their children and grandchildren. I used to wish so bad that I had pioneer history like a lot of my friends but now I'm just excited to be a member and partake of the pioneer stories even if their blood doesn't run through my veins. Life is beautiful. I'm so blessed.

I Dreamed a Dream...

2011-06-24T11:05:00.001-07:00

I graduated from high school five years ago. FIVE!!! I had my whole life planned and I was ready to check off lists of things I was going to do. Then reality happened. None of my plans came out according to how I planned them. But I grew and had some amazing experiences that I wouldn't have gone through if my plans hadn't "backfired." I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, even if we find out years later what that reason is. I'm finding myself in a better place today. I am a better woman today than I was one year ago. I think that's part of the reason we're here. It's to become better. I've also experienced soooo many trials and tribulations in the last five years; things that a little 18 year old would have never imagined or planned for. I think of her, my younger self, and wish I could write her a letter to remind her that life is beautiful, regardless of the trials that befall us. I know that I wasn't equipped to handle difficult things at that age. I was so young, carefree, and innocent (about a lot of things). The world was always sunny and trials sounded like fun challenges. Even now, I know I'm not old. But I have changed and evolved in a way.

I used to miss my old self so much. The spontaneous, loud, obnoxious me. I wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. I tried all sorts of things just because I could. I remember eating my first raw oyster. I did it for the thrill of it because they looked disgusting but all I can recall of that moment was thinking, "well if I don't like it I won't eat it again... bottoms up!!" Or the time Sally and I drove the car as fast as we could to see how fast it would go (not our brightest moment, but we were blessed b/c nothing happened). I remember being so carefree that I didn't always think about how my parents would feel regarding my decisions. I never realized that after leaving me 2,000 miles away at college, my mom would cry because she missed our conversations. I didn't realize that when dad would ground me it was because he was just too worried about me falling in love with the wrong person.

I had that tendency from the beginning: falling in love with the boys who always ended up breaking my heart. Grant it, I fell in "love" on a weekly basis. It's true. My journal holds four years of crushes and love letters I never delivered. Crushes who diminished after days or others that lasted years. I loved so easily and once you became my friend, you were my friend forever. I still miss my old self sometimes because life was so much easier. I wouldn't go back. I've given it much thought and if we could go back, I know there would be some instances I would completely replay (my first kiss) and others I would completely ERASE. But I learned things from those experiences.

I looked back today and although I have tears in my eyes, I smile at the tender mercies that have been given to me. I think of how blessed I am to be in this very place at this very moment. I no longer live for just tomorrow but I also take life one day at a time. I haven't seen beauty like this in such a long time. My son is my strength. He gives me kisses and laughs with me. He's my buddy and my pal. I'm grateful for everything that led to this very point because I am at ease with who I am. I am proud of myself for sticking with my principles and moral codes I've always lived by. I am proud that I can say I am a good mama and daughter and sister. I see the world through my child's eyes and I dream of who he will be one day. He will be strong. He will be wise. He will be able to be better than I was. He's second generation LDS and I am striving for building my forever. I want him to see how much I love the church not by my words but through my actions. I want him to have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I cannot wait (well I can a little bit) for the day he goes away on his mission.

You know that stupid cliche saying "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened... It's true. Whoever said that actually had some insight when it comes to love and war and heartbreak. I'm no pro in the dating scenes ( I steady dated one person my whole entire life) but I do know that there is supposed to be love, meekness, humility, tenderness, solid foundation, and support. I guess all I can do when I feel like crying or like my life is crashing and burning is smile because I was able to experience those great emotions that come with life. When love happened for me it was fast, incredible, breathtaking, and blissful. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Thanks Father, my dearest Heavenly Father for providing a way for me to become a better person today than I was yesterday. The gospel is true. It was restored. I am so blessed to have it as the center of my life.

Come on crashing and burning moments... It's supposed to get worse before it gets better.

I'm ready for your worst punches because I have exactly what I need to protect myself from all of the trials and desolations of the world.

REASON #1,234,345 I love MY FATHER!!!!

2011-06-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

I've been antiquing LIKE CRAZY!!! I want to find some good vintage furniture that I can turn into my own. My bedroom looks like something from the 70's and so I'm updating the walls by removing all the wallpaper and painting the room one solid color, getting new curtains, and I've been needing new furniture like a mad woman...

Well I came home from girls camp to find a super old (but in INCREDIBLE condition) armoire, chest, and side table/drawer thing. SOO cute. I'll take pics and post.

THANK YOU DADDY FOR GETTING ME THIS AMAZING FURNITURE!!! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!!!! and you helped make a very happy girl EVEN more happy :)

Dads are the best and the Lord blessed me with a good one :)

On My Own...- Les Miserables

2011-06-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

That is one of my favorite songs. Ever. It is such a heartfelt song that touches to the core. I've pondered the lyrics and these last few months I understand some of that raw pain she feels when she sings that song. She may not be able to have him, except in her mind, but even then that is good enough for her. It is impossible to describe or understand heartache when you haven't experienced it. I'd like to think of it as childbirth. I knew that it would be painful. I knew that it would be one of the most difficult things I would experience, however it wasn't until I was going through it that I realized what the whole process is like. Childbirth wasn't unbearable. Yes, it was painful. Yes it is hard to describe. But it remains one of the best moments of my life. At that moment, with the help of Mom, nurses, and Justin (when he wasn't nervous eating...) I was able to bring my son into the world.

I feel like heartbreak is the very same thing. We understand that it is going to hurt. We understand that things will never be the same. But it isn't until we've truly experienced heartbreak that we really know what takes place. The sun doesn't shine as bright. The world doesn't spin as usual. The world is so much more sad and dark. Once we go through this, we're reminded that things will get better and that life itself will heal with time. But it is during those very moments that we feel the depths of despair, the bitterness of pain, and the pang of loneliness. There are no words to describe such feelings and unless you've gone through them, you cannot understand them.
This is where the atonement and strong friendships/families kick in. As a unit, we all unite to comfort those in pain. I remember seeing my friends go through breakups, family divorces, and other sad moments involving love but I never understood the true pain that those experiences bring. Nevertheless, I know that "Adam fell that we might be..." and we're here to experience unadultered joy. The true joy that will help us become more like the Father. The joy that will soothe the sorrows and wounds in our hearts. There is happiness to be had in life. I wish I could comfort all the widows from our current war. I wish I could comfort their little children that no longer have a parent. I wish I could mend the brokeness in a heart close to me. Time will heal all and hopefully someday soon, the Sun will begin to shine as bright as before and the world will feel like a friendlier and better place.

GRATEFUL FOR HUMIDITY

2011-06-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

I used to hate the humidity and hot arkansas.
Today I am grateful for the humidity and hot arkansas because it helps keep me hydrated and that is healthy.

THANK YOU HUMIDITY. I am grateful for you even if you do manage to ruin every hair day I have...

No Longer an Idealist... (Yes Politics)

2011-06-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

I was raised to think I could have it all. My wonderful parents did not treat me different because I was born a girl, instead of the boy they had anticipated. They took their extremism to a different level, I think, to show me that I could do whatever I set my mind to as long as I worked hard. They instilled the American Dream in me. It worked. I labored continously in school and felt compelled to achieve to the best degree. Although I had difficulties with school, it became my passion. I didn't take the AP classes because I thought I could do them, I took them because I knew it would be a challenge every single day to just get through the coursework. It was worth it. I succeeded in ways I wouldn't have otherwise because I stuck through them. Then came real life, that of a college student. There too I assumed my role of hardworking student and it payed off as well. I successfully graduated with an honorary degree in one of my passionate fields. But there were many who helped me get to that place. I spent endless hours being tutored, missed great events, took homework to the inlaws for the weekend, and sacrificed precious family time to achieve one of my lifelong dreams, to receive a bachelor's degree from an upstanding University.

Soon afterwards, I became a Realist. The harsh reality behind all of this is that I have staunchly fought against becoming a Realist my whole life. From my perceptions of Realists, they are selfish, cunning, and will do whatever it takes to come out on top. They will compete to the extreme with other countries and use them as pawns for their own means and ends. It sounds like a problem, and one I would rather not align myself to.

However, here is the punch line. In order to succeed in this generation, we have to have drive and competition to find the scarce jobs that are out there. We have to worry about ourselves first and once that is settled, and only then, perhaps we'll look to help the people around us. I have to protect my son and my family from what is out in the world. I cannot let anything get in the way of that. But drifting away from my selfish and unmoralistic ways, there is still an Idealist inside of me. The Idealist that seeks out world peace and believes it is everyone's moral obligation to help their brothers and sisters have a better life. I cannot shake that from my mind because I was raised by Idealists. I come from a huge hispanic family that took care of their own. They still do to a certain extent and that is beautiful. I was raised by a village and that makes all the difference in the world. I think that the American culture is loosing their family culture. Jobs are spread out throughout the United States and the world and the family circle is broken. It is sad for me to see people who don't even know who their first cousins are. But that is what the job market and changing social issues have done. It isn't necessarily a bad thing. People are becoming more perceptive and educated regarding social issues. Certain stigmas are starting to dwindle and fade in our generation (example: racism, women in the work force, etc.). That is a great thing. But at the same time, family values aren't what they were in the past. I am a firm believer that we do leave our families and create new ones with our spouses. Nevertheless, I am not opposed to being near family that can help raise and teach my children. Communities that do that have less violence and more unity. There is more respect for their Elders and the balance is clear.... There are also no nursing homes in those places. I understand that circumstances occur by which nursing homes are used to help the elderly or people with other handicaps heal from surgeries or other maladies. But I don't think nursing homes were intended to have old people cartered there for the rest of their existence. How are we supposed to learn from our elders if they're no longer around? How will we teach our children about their grandparents and respect if they see their families send their grandparents to homes because they don't want to deal with them? I know what it's like to have a grandparent or two in the house growing up. Yes, sometimes it was difficult and other times it was wonderful. I had excellent opportunities to sit down, learn of my ancestors and the best family recipes. There is possibly no other way I could have been able to do this.

So am I really a Realist? More than likely not. But sometimes I feel the thoughts changing in my brain and I realize how much easier life would be if I just worried about myself all the time. That would create a lot of free time and I could do as I wanted. However, I know that man/woman was not created to be alone. That is why Heavenly Father created Families, so we wouldn't get lost or lonely. If we stick together, we will be able to overcome more challenges than we could on our own. So perhaps, I'll become a iderealist. I'll stick to believing we all have the moral capacity to be good yet we have the choice to do so. I'll also remember that sometimes you do have to take care of you first and then fix world problems. I wish I could still believe that I can have it all, but alas I've learned that sometimes life just isn't so.

This just helped me figure out what I am. Once again, research and expression has helped me figure out how to better think out my arguments.

Bucket List #17: CHECK

2011-05-31T08:34:00.000-07:00

So... I threw myself out there and actually competed to be in a ponds commercial. It was a great experience! I got to meet THE agent of agents from Hollywood and he told me that I was his top pick "for my age." It was kind of thrilling! He said he loved my mannerism, my smile, and he thought I had potential. I didn't sign a deal or anything but it was definitely awesome to know that even for my age, I still have a little kick. I was very impressed with the way he conducts business. He is very honest and upfront. No hidden agendas with this guy. Want to know the best part?? He loved that I was.... MORMON! He is currently working with LDS actors (he is an agent to many of them) and he loves the way they work, act, and look. He said that we are very clean and natural in our appearance. How awesome was that? Way to go other LDS actors, thank you for showing the world that we are a good and clean people!! I did return for the call back or whatever it is called but I didn't realize how difficult the acting world is. So after doing relatively well on my Ponds Commercial, I'm hanging up my acting shoes. It was the opportunity of a lifetime and I'm glad I took it. I probably won't be going into this business but it was fun to try.

And- if you guys know of anyone that needs a semi-professional commercial actress, don't hesitate to give them my number :)

This is how I did my hair and makeup for the day. I wish I would have gotten a double of my headshot to show you guys. What a great day!!

Ponds is actually one of my favorite skincare products (well it worked better when I was a teenager). It was fun memorizing lines for the ponds facial wash and stuff. I will always be loyal to you, Ponds, for making me nearly a star!!

This is one of the pics I could find of Ron. He looks great! I wanted to ask him his religion but I was way too shy. He said he's one of 11 and he was very religious... Just saying. Sounds mighty familiar...

I'd rather not...

2011-05-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

I know I've been trying to keep things upbeat. I really have. I reached a point where I want to seek out the best in what this life has to offer. However, today I am exhausted. Today, I am done with the pretenses that my life is somehow complete when it really is missing something. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't feel complete. I'm tired of peoples' perceptions on life. I'm tired of people in general. I don't know how to tell people that their questions and their thoughts are not wanted. I know I have to deal with that (like we all do) but for ONCE in my life, I need some peace. I need some quiet. I know why I am here, I know where I am going. I am a tad bit unorthodox in my thinking, acting, and being (haha) but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I know what it's like to have to completely change for someone else to have their approval. I'm done with that. I am who I am. I am a good person, a people lover, scared of kids, slightly obsessive about politics, a mama, a daughter, a sister, and a person who needs faith in her life.

I wish people would just live their lives and let me live mine because I am really lucky to have this great life. I have the gospel, I have THE best of friends, absolutely incredible family, and the most amazing boy in the world. I have an excellent job that will lead to great opportunities. My dreams are coming true left and right. Why can't people see the good?

MY BUCKET LIST

2011-05-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

Since recently being diagnosed with several diseases, I've decided to live life to the fullest. I'm compiling a list of things I wish to accomplish before I die.

1. Visit at least 10 LDS temples
2. Visit the East Coast
3. Teach Max how to play a musical instrument
4. Learn another foreign language
5. Go to law school for the adventure
6. Learn how to change a diaper without gagging
7. Live four a year in a foreign country
8. Learn how to bake
9. Re-read the Book of Mormon while WRITING my thoughts about what I read
10. Run a half marathon
11. Do my grandparents geneology and work in the temple
12. Wake up in a completely new culture and learn to embrace it
13. Learn to properly drive a stick (manual) car
14. Go mute for three days. completely mute.
15. Be spontaneous and try out for something on TV
16. Try out for American Idol to meet Jennifer Lopez
17. Be casted for a show or movie (someday)

I'll keep adding as the year goes by. And hopefully I can start crossing off things too!

Life is Great because...

2011-05-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

Life is great because we always have the opportunity to learn and grow from one another. We were born to gain knowledge and experience and that is a beautiful thing! I remember when we first joined the church, many of the customs were so odd to our family. We didn't understand why our new brothers and sisters from the ward would just drop by to say hi or bring by a fresh loaf of bread just becaue they were thinking about us. This has become a custom in our family and it is something I've always been grateful for because that was how I learned to serve others around me. I am grateful to have been raised in a home where the gospel wasn't forced upon us. We had lived our lives without the gospel and understood the importance of living its principles in our lives. We served and offered our time to others because we truly loved doing that. I still love to do that and to this day I'm grateful for all the great experiences and opportunities.

Thanks mom and dad for loving the gospel so much and for raising us in it. I know the difference it has made in our lives. Families really can be sealed together forever. I love the gospel and that's why life is great today!

This was taken a year and a half ago when my little sister Sally married her awesome husband Josh. They were sealed in the Oklahoma City temple and it was a joyous occasion for all of us! Thanks guys, it was a beautiful wedding and we're excited for all the fun that is awaiting you!

Here is Max with a full head of hair! He's darling. His favorite song is Come Thou Fount and he sings it all the time to me! What a sweet boy. He also enjoys swimming, dancing, playing with cars, and playing with Grandy and Papa's pet dog and cat!

My New Journey

2011-05-11T06:27:00.000-07:00

I've always admired those people that go on "spiritual, traveling, etc. journeys" to find themselves. If I had the money and time I would go on a traveling journey to see the beauty this world has to offer. I would love to wake up in Africa to see the beautiful sunsets. Then I would fly over to Europe to sit at a little cafe outside of Paris and sip some foreign drink with a baguette. My list is endless and my thirst for other cultures will probably never be satisfied. Sometimes I wish the lottery were something feasible because then I would win and be set to travel for the rest of my life.

Since I can't go on a journey like Eat, Pray, and Love (her traveling is awesome, her life is kind of scandalous and I don't want that part of it!!) I've decided to go on my own journey. I haven't found out what to name it. I think it deserves some kind of exotic name. I am on a journey to find out the good life. I think I've got a good grasp of where to find happiness. But I think for the last few years I've been stuck in limbo. I used to be an avid reader and writer. Then college kind of ruined that for me because the thought of reading a good novel sounded awful. Finals will definitely leave you with a negative feeling when it comes to reading. When it comes to writing, I stopped expressing my creativity because I hit writer's block nearly four years ago. My stories weren't coming out like I wanted them to and I think the only person disappointed by all this was my sister Sally. She's read all of my works and expressed her appreciation for them. I may not be brilliant but at least someone likes what I write about.

I want to live life to the fullest. When I was a teenager I used to wake up every day pumped about starting a new day. "This day is going to be awesome!!" I was the epitamy of Rachel Berry from Glee. Except I can't sing nor am I rude and obsessive. Ok, maybe I just woke up like she did every morning. But that's it when it comes to our similarities. I used to read the newspaper every morning, watch CNN every afternoon and I was so wrapped up in world events I was convinced I knew the exact ways to create peace and equality in the world. I had a sense of purpose and drive. I am getting that back today.

Finding happiness isn't about planning for the future house or constantly worried about goals being fulfilled. It is about finding yourself in the NOW and loving where you are at. I love that I am in the best place this side of the Mississippi, surrounded by endless family that loves me. I love that I feel healthy again, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I shed 20 lbs and along with that, many other things that weren't uplifting. I've come to realize that I don't like diet and exercise and I probably never will. So I don't do it. I just eat bright fruits and vegetables. I love steak and eat that too. I still eat the occasional chips and salsa. Ok, I really haven't changed much except that I have added fruits and vegetables to my diet.

I tell the people that I love that I love them every time I see them because it is important for me to tell them how much they mean to me. I've started to write again. I don't know where the stories will go or if the poems will make sense. Writing is my exercise. It releases the endorphines that help me thrive and feel that sense of fulfillment. I'd like to compare it to running a marathon (it may not be done physically, but definitely mentally!!).

I look at my child in a different way. He's my responsibility. The things I teach him now are going to help him become into the man he needs to be. I've always known that. Yesterday I came home with him, he sat down, and sang me "happy birthday" because he thinks every day is my birthday. That's when it hit me. Every day can be like my birthday. Every day is filled with a promise of renewal. I don't necessarily want to live like every day is my last. But I do want to live it like it was mean to be lived. Life is beautiful. We're here to have joy and learn to become like the Father. I'm so blessed to have this incredible life.

there he is. the joy of my life. my reason for being. the face i can perfectly picture when i close my eyes. his laugh warms my heart. his hugs and kisses are the absolute best. he's my favorite boy. he's my greatest blessing and triumph. i love him unconditionally. no strings attached. maxfield byron i love you with every fiber in my body. you're my life, mi vida y mi amor. thank you for coming into my life. three years ago all i could think about was having a growing baby in my belly. and now, to be able to hold you and cuddle with you is an incredible blessing. thank you son, for changing my life. i'm a better person today than i was before because of your example. i can't wait to see where life will take you :)

HAPPY MOTHERS day to all you great MOMS!

2011-05-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

I read a quote my mother posted on facebook today and clicked. It basically said that before a child, there was a woman. It wasn't until the first child was born that the woman became a mother. I'm so blessed to be able to participate in something older than life itself. The practice of motherhood goes back to Eve, mother of all. I wonder how many children she had in total. I wonder if she was scared or worried when she was having her first child. I am blessed to be in a country where I can just call a doctor (or my mother for that matter) to ask about questions and to get check ups, etc.

Motherhood is such a sacred subject in my life because it has changed me. I had goals and dreams that wanted to put off motherhood until a certain age because I wanted to wait until I felt ready. I'm so thankful that I didn't. I don't think that you can ever be ready for motherhood. You just have to throw yourself in there, have faith, and let it all fall into place. Childbearing does exactly that. It falls into place and there is something within that tells you what to do. I'm thankful to have the opportunity to bear children. It wasn't until I got into the married wards that I saw the devastation and difficulty behind getting pregnant. I was lucky to not have had difficulty with my first. It was the best unexpected gift I have ever been given. Two years later I'm cherishing every sloppy kiss and cuddle time I get with my gift from Heaven. He helps me be better. I've never felt so much love or tenderness and at the end of the day, after tears and tantrums, I wouldn't have done it any other way. I just pray that I can be as great a mother as my mom. She is the most faithful, hard working woman I know. She never doubts or fears. She is patient and meek. She has taught me humility.

Above all, my mom has taught me to be patient with Max. One day I was stressed about cleaning and messes and she just looked at me and said "enjoy him Ruby. He isn't going to stay little forever. The mess can wait." Those were words of wisdom. Now grant it, we live in a very clean home. But I don't stress cleaning everything before playing with Max. I see how happy and healthy he is and I feel my heart swell with gratitude. Heavenly Father is truly an incredible father and I'm blessed to have a relationship with Him. He knew what He was doing when He created the woman. I'm so glad we're different from men. I love being feminine, soft, and all things that go with being a woman. Life is beautiful and it is even more incredible when there is life inside you, growing into a small baby.

SPRING IS HERE!

2011-04-29T11:11:00.001-07:00

I haven't been home for a real Arkansas Spring since 2006! It has been raining and hailing out here like nobody's business but today's weather makes it all worth it. 75 degrees, with light winds and sun? I whole-heartedly accept that! Please and thank you.

Beware, I'm about to update and post pics of us from the last year this weekend so it will be picture overflow! I'm so excited to have the humidity turn my hair curly and frizzy and to take Max to the lake! My parents have a pool but a lake is a totally different experience because I feel like it helps you bond with nature. Arkansas truly is the natural state. It is so green and beautiful.

Max Update:

We have entered the terrible twos. My once quiet, meek boy has taught himself how to throw a real tantrum. He will launch himself across the floor and talk back when I try to calm him down. Last night I lost my temper a bit and said firmly, "maxfield byron, stop right now." to which he responded "mama, stop right now!" and pointed his little finger at me!! It took all the strength I had to not start laughing... Oh boy, parenting is going to get more difficult from here. How do I not laugh when he does the silliest things? After our confrontation I sat him down and explained that I love him very much. He kissed me on the check, gave me a hug, and whispered "i love you mama." It's moments like this that make everything else worth it. He's such a sweet boy and we love him so much. Tantrums included.

Sometimes Heavy Metal is the Only Way...

2011-04-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

When I was a little fifteen year old, I discovered a hidden passion. I realized I loved music. I loved the lyrics, especially the ones that described how I was feeling. I mean at that young age, I was crazy about boys, worried about my weight, growing into myself, and I was the most self conscious teenage girl this side of the Mississippi. I was very nerdy and didn't mind that part so much. But I did mind the part where I didn't fit in. I wasn't a real jock, drama kid, orch dork, band geek, etc. I fit everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I think that's why I was constantly thriving off other peoples' drama. In fact, I still do today. I'm not one for drama myself but I do love others' drama. It's a bad habit I will break sometime. Today isn't the day.

Anyway, one day I was trying to do my advanced math homework (hence the nerd in me...) and I couldn't concentrate. I was listening to a cd my friend gave me and realized that while METALLICA was playing, I could do math homework. METALLICA. As in, heavy metal and punk. Anyone who knows me knows that music doesn't define me. We are polar opposites of each other. But all I have to say is I will always have a sweet spot for a little metallica in my vida. <3

Fibro what?

2011-04-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is. The update on my vida (life). It has been smooth sailing for awhile but I hit rock bottom at the beginning of the month. It all started after my doctor's visit. First, I would just like to advise all of my lady friends to make sure they go to those on a yearly basis. I will be the first to not go to a doctor because 1.) I'm terrified and 2.) They're expensive. But I do have insurance and so I decided to find a doctor and get the "annual" checkup over and done with.

Boy was I sure glad I did! I was diagnosed with a disease that 25% of women have and it's not a big deal. It's called fibrocystic disease. It is in a certain place on my body that I am not going to ellaborate on. Google it if you want :). I'm glad that this was discovered because since then I've been able to avoid foods and other products that decrease my sensitivity. No more sugars (again) and no more caffeine (good bye Mountain Dew and Coke!!). Since avoiding those, I've felt more like my old self and so I'm on the road to recovery,

I also had a bit of minor surgery that I'm still recovering from. Out with the old and on with the new I guess. I can't wait until I can stop walking like a 90 yr. old woman and sleep on my stomach again.

Mom- I thought you'd appreciate this.

Ruby's Three Deadly Diseases:
1. Diabetes
2. Asthma
3. Fibrocystic disease (not deadly, just annoying)... we'll see how many more I can add by the time I'm 25! Yay me.

This One's for my girl Britty!

2011-04-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Britty, Please send me some of your homemade donuts. Love, Ruby

First, I hope you like the title! This blog is dedicated to one of the most incredible people I have ever met. We will call her Britty. Thank you for inspiring me to step outside the routine and come up with something fun, fresh, and creative! For the last few days I have been wanting to blog... But my life has become such a routine that no excitement ever happens. So, I've come up with a list of different topics I'm interested in and that you may hear more about. You may also have an opinion and should blog about what you think of these as well!! They range from sports, home and family, politics, summer destination spots, etc.! This might spice life up a little bit.

1. Top 10 affordable/ family friendly vacation spots

2. My current life with Max

3. Weapons of Mass Destruction in countries opposing the United States

4. My personal insights on March Madness

5. My personal opinions on the BEST (ok my favorite) Basketball Teams in the U.S.

6. My speculations on the next Olympics

7. Experience of sewing

8. Helping my neighbors

9. Funniest stories of all time

10. Food that people need to eat before they die

11. Trying/ tasting the best desserts

12. Following the best Food Network shows

13. My obsession with REALITY TV!!

14. Pros and cons of plastic surgery

15. Healthy awareness (sometimes mamograms are needed before we hit our 40's)

16. Comfy fashion (who says jeans and t-shirts aren't in?? that's right! they always are!!)

17. The best tennis shoes

18. Maybe I'll start exercising again

19. I'm going to try to wax my eyebrows and see if it is painful

20. Inspirational famous and nonfamous people who can help us all become a little better

21. CONSPIRACY THEORIES (must I say more?)

Feel free to borrow any of these topics or make up your own! However, I just realized that this is stuff that interests me and that may be considered boring. Britty, I really just want you to blog about your amazing homemade donuts OR pizza OR... All that awesome food we used to cook together!! If you do borrow a topic then I will creep on over and read about what all ya'll are doing. I've been missing the West lately. Rigby lake will always hold a special place in my heart and so will little Rexburg. I met some of the most influential people there. And made some pretty awesome bffs.

This is where I want to take you Britty and Brian (and of course all my other friends!!). It is called Manzanillo, Colima aka paradise. It's cheaper than Cancun, not as crowded, the food rocks, AND there's plenty to do. The picture doesn't do it justice.

This guy below is Hugo Chavez. Although most of the world knows him as the President of Venezuela, I personally consider him an enemy of the state, dictator, and Fidel Castro's brother in law (politically not biologically). I don't like him. He's mean. And he needs braces.

This is my favorite NBA team. I love them. I will forever be their fan. Britty, I don't know if you like them but there is always a time to love the Lakers. They're winners and their colors ROCK!

These below are the Kardashian Sisters. They're flirty, innovative, hilarious, and oh so scandalous! They began my reality tv obsession. Thank you Kardashians. (Britty, you gotta admit, they have style! although it is kind of racy 99% of the time... or 120% of the time...)

LONDON is hosting the 2012 OLYMPICS!!! I always wish I could have learned some form of athleticism (and excelled at it as well). I mean, how cool would RUBY DE SANTIAGO-HILL has won THREE GOLD MEDALS for the UNITED STATES look on a newspaper? It would look AMAZING.

Sometimes Life Just Happens

2011-04-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

I am a creature of habit. I don't like to change my reutines very much. I don't really adapt well to change at all. But once in a while, things are completely out of our hands. That recently happened. There is nothing I can do to change or fix the situation. I have to sit and wait just like everyone else. I wish there was a line I could cut right now... Because if I could cut that line, I totally would. Patience has never been easy for me. And now that I'm waiting, I just hope I can learn whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from this.

TERRIBLE TWO'S

2011-03-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

Blogging has been used for many instances. Today I am going to be a grouch. I haven't slept in about two weeks. I haven't had a good night's sleep in about two months. What happened? Well, Max has developed a tendency to go to bed... and then crawl into mine. Before explaining this, I must say Max was pretty much the perfect child. Ever. He only cried when he needed something (changed diaper, food, etc). After he received what he needed he would become perfectly content. Until... He got older. Now, he can verbalize what he wants, where he wants it, etc. Last night, he wasn't feeling too well and tossed and turned in his bed. Two hours later he crawled out and came to mine and did the same thing. Then he proceeded to scream his head off. Literally. I felt awful since the rest of the house was fast asleep (2 am, who wouldn't be??) I tried to rock him to sleep, sing him to sleep, and offered counseling to this nearly 2 year old. He threw a huge tantrum and finally I said Max, do you need a spanky?!! By then I was frustrated. His answer "Yeah mama," and with that, I started laughing and forgot about the spanky. Finally, I told him it was ok to be sad but he needed to do it quietly. Fifteen minutes later he was snoring. So funny. Maybe if I wasn't so tired right now I would laugh about it.

I have read every book there is to help toddlers. I think I just need to let instincts take place... I think I'm missing that instinct. I want to enjoy every moment but lack of sleep makes in impossible. What happened to 12 hours nights?? I hope they come back!

Life is hectic but Max is my world. I guess I'll do what moms have been doing for centuries... Tough it out and catch up on my sleep when I'm old!

MAXFIELD BYRON

2011-03-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

Nearly two years ago, we were eagerly awaiting your entry. Mama (or mommy as you prefer) was getting so tired of being huge! Sometimes she felt like you were going to roll right out of her belly. Max, you're growing so fast. You are the smartest boy and you never cease to surprise our family with your thirst for knowledge. You love to read, sometimes you read all by yourself. You love to sing and dance. Jumping is a must every day when Mommy gets home from work. You like to smile and say "CHEESE!!!" when people get a camera out, but as soon as you see the flash, you get shy. You like BMWs (driving in your Aunt Sally's car is your fave!). You like to cuddle with grandpa when you're tired and sometimes, only grandma will give in to your requests for "mo' juice peease!" You're so full of energy. Every day, you're ready to go. You are a go-getter and a very good helper like your dad. You're the first up every morning and the first down at night.

You are very sweet and gentle. You care about others and you're quick to forgive. Your favorite new song is "the wheels on the bus..." and you must hear it at least five times before deciding you can fall asleep. You love to sing I am a Child of God but only in English, the Spanish version is too different. You understand English and Spanish. You love books about animals and love Chico the Chihuahua and Pancho el Gato. You like baths but prefer showers when you're tired. Bed time is hard for you because you want to keep exploring. Sometimes, you are an Elmo and Barney fanatic. You know all about circles, triangles, and squares.

My dear precious child, when I look at you I see a bright future. I know what a strong man you will become. I love you in a way I cannot explain. I love that you will still cuddle with me, sing with me, and love me. I hope you never outgrow these things. I hope you know that no matter what wrong happens in your life, Mommy and Daddy love you and will be there to support you and to hold you. My life changed the moment I knew that you were in my belly. Want to know a secret? I knew you were a boy from the beginning. You were strong from the beginning and when I heard your heartbeat for the first time, I went home and cried. They were tears of absolute joy, for I had been given the opportunity to be a mother. There is nothing more satisfying. Thank you for coming into our lives. You're our light, son. The world is at your fingertips and we (your parents) will stand behind you. That is what love is all about mi amor.

Te queremos en una manera que no se puede explicar. Tu eres la razon por la cual tratamos de ser mejores personas todos los dias. Estas rodeado de personas que te aman, y que esperan lo mejor de ti. Sabemos lo fuerte que eres. Gracias por escojernos. Yo te prometo que voy a esforzarme a tratar de ser la mejor mama y persona del mundo. Por ti, hijo, are lo imposible. El amor de madre no se puede encontrar en otros lugares. Agarrate de la barra de hiero cuando estes mas grande. Ahorita amas a el evangelio y a la iglesia. No te separes de esas cosas que son tan importantes. Ahora, tienes un anito. Pronto cumpliras mas.

Max has grown so fast: here are some pictures...

This was the first time Mommy got to see Max with his eyes open!! It took him nearly four days, but it was such a blessing and relief to finally see him with his eyes open... and they are the most beautiful eyes!!

This is Justin and Max a few days after Max was born. They wouldn't let us hold him for awhile and it was very sad. But we were grateful to hold him once we got the "go" from the doctors.

Max loves BMWs and any car that is shiny and big. He says "oh, cooo!!" every time he sees them.

All You Need Is Love

2011-03-09T12:41:00.001-08:00

I am not a kind person. I get mad at people who drive too slow. I hate waiting for people to walk past me in their shopping carts. I don't like other peoples' noisy kids. I don't really like kids unless they belong to someone I love (and mine of course). I don't like to be interrupted, yet I will be the first to interrupt. I don't like rushing to work. I don't like early mornings. I am so miserable when I'm sick. I am not a kind person.

And yet, I was raised in love. I experienced some difficult moments where I lost pieces of myself but since those times I have started to regain them. I used to think I was my parents love child and thought it was all so romantic. No worries, my parents were married before I was conceived (just barely though since I was born 9 months, 2 weeks after their wedding...). My parents had their shares of struggles. There is an opposition in all things but they conquered. They are still married and they're so so happy. They are each others best friends. They know the other one has weaknesses yet the love each other so much. I get tears in my eyes every time I see them together. They have that unconditional love for one another. Despite the odds they were given, they're making it.

I think the only way to function in life is by loving. Holding a grudge has statistically proven to be dangerous. It shortens your life span, by a lot. Why is it so much easier to hate than to love? When you love someone, you let go of self pride and completely submit yourself to your feelings. They may wrong you but because you love them, you forgive them. Our Savior gave the greatest example when He loved the poor and the needy. He spent most of his time walking around and preaching to the people who had been forgotten. How can we be more like Him? Living by the higher law He offered truly does bring happiness. And we're here to learn to be like the Father and to be happy. Things aren't always going to be easy. That would defeat the purpose of happiness. But life is definitely worth it. I wish I could explain how it feels to hold your own child for the first time... But I can't. It's like eating a tub of chocolate ice cream and brownies without getting a headache the next day (I'm diabetic) times a million. I held other newborns and sensed their sweet spirit. But when I held my very own child for the first time, I felt the tender mercies of the Lord. All of them, at the same time. I wish I was better with words because to say "it was like happy on steroids" does not give it justice. It is beautiful. It is sweet. It is endearing. It is fulfilling. For that small moment, I felt invinsible. This child was my child. He had spent nine months in my belly. That is true love. I know that he will commit sins. I know he won't be perfect, yet he is mine and I will forgive him.

The pressures of raising children are high in today's society. There is temptation, violence, and all sorts of evil things left and right. Yet, I have a promise that if I do the things I need to, Max will be ok. I wish he didn't have to experience the harsh parts of life but that is something everyone has to go through. I look at his sweet gentle fact and can't imagine him grown up. He's my baby. He's my little man. My wish upon a star. I'm so proud of him. He's the smartest boy. I'm starting to understand just a tiny bit of what it's like to love my son like Father in Heaven loves me. And even then, I can't comprehend His feelings.

I'm thankful that I'm loved by so many people and that I can experience that unconditional love. It makes this life worth living and so much more. I'm grateful for those members who decided to be our friends and help us learn the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm grateful for having the Spirit in my life and for letting it direct me, even when the paths I should follow are completely unknown to me. But He made me a promise that He would never lead me astray. To this day, He's never let me down and I know He won't.

"All you need is love"

I'm Thankful for Arkansas

2011-03-08T08:26:00.000-08:00

"My Beautiful rural Arkansas, the place that I call Home"

Arkansas, the Natural State, is filled with so much beauty. The people are kind, the weather is liveable, and the enviroment is absolutely darling. I'm so grateful my family moved here 14 years ago to start a new life. California had gotten too crowded (no offense california friends!!) and the opportunities for my Dad were limited. So, I think we were blessed when Grandpa called to tell us Arkansas was ready for us!! I will always hold this place dear to my heart and although I hope I never have to leave it again, I think my adventure spirit will kick in and send me somewhere else. One thing is for sure, I will treasure my memories of the place I will always call "home." I love you Arkansaw, home of the Razorbacks, good southern cooking, and beautiful people.

CALLIN' THE HAWGS!!! College Football in the South ROCKS!!!

The good ol' flag

Attitude of Gratitude

2011-03-07T07:58:00.001-08:00

Today I am grateful for:
1. babies
2. the gospel of Jesus Christ
3. My hair working out today
4. my job
5. my co-workers who are so much fun!
6. my sanity
7. my amazing family
8. that max knows i'm HIS momma... (he used to call everyone mom haha)
9. my perseverance
10. my college education
11. my incredible old roomates I still keep in contact with
12. my driving skills
13. life
14. the opportunity to give life
15. my mad piano skills
16. i'm grateful for diabetes only b/c it keeps me healthier than i would be without it
17. romaine lettuce
18. LOVE
19. peace treaty agreements that don't fall through
20. politics
21. the fact that my family includes my best friends
22. ALL OF MY AMAZING BEST FRIENDS!!! i love you.
23. that i don't doubt as much
24. gut feelings are not always what we want, but what we should go with
25. having had the trials and tribulations in my life
26. being frugal
27. i am grateful for FOOD

I have sooo many things to be grateful for and these are only some of them! I like having to think about the things I have been blessed with instead of the things I don't have. Life is beautiful!

D&C... that's right, I said D&C

2011-03-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

I learned later in life that there is a surgery called d&c and some people get freaked out when you say d&c instead of doctrine and covenants. I'd just like to throw out there that doctrine and covenants is a really long word and people know what you're talking about in a religious setting when they say D&C.

D&C 26: 11-23. Read it and weep. ok not really but it's helped a lot. Thanks Bri for sharing!

All things Wonderful

2011-02-28T07:58:00.000-08:00

I had the opportunity to "see" my grandfather again. Some consider it a dream, I consider it a tender mercy. My grandfather was an ordinary man. He didn't know how to really read or write. His father died when he was 2 and as soon as he came of age, he had to get out into the ranch and work grueling hours. He moved to the city with his little family (at the time, once there they had like six more kids) and wandered to America. He lived a regular life here with his children and wife. He didn't care much for politics except when it came down to the government taking his hard earned money. Yet, as ordinary and simple as this man was, he was a great influence in my life. He loved me. He was my grandpa and he gave me the care I needed from a grandpa. We shared precious talks that I will cherish forever. The world may not remember him, but those who knew and loved him will constantly miss him until we get to see him on the other side.

My dream was a special one because he shared important things with me. He hugged me (boy do I miss those!!) and told me to tell him the joke we often shared when he was on Earth. He told me everything was going to be ok and to have faith. What more did I need to hear? I know my Father in Heaven made that happen. He knows what is in my heart and I think that with this dream I was able to feel love from all of the Fathers I have had in my life. I miss you Grandpa, you were the best grandpa any kid could ask for. I wish I could have asked him if he still remembered the time we climbed his precious pear trees, bit into sour pears, and tossed them carelessly aside. That was the one and only time I saw him mad. He lectured us, made us pick up the pears, and we felt so guilty we cried! I learned a valuable lesson though: food is for eating and not for wasting. I love you my dear Abuelito. But I know families are forever and I will see you again. Until then, keep up the good work...

This pic is of him and my grandma. Andres De Santiago Senior.

Trials and Tribulations

2011-02-23T08:58:00.000-08:00

I am a firm believer that our trials and tribulations make us stronger people. I know with a definite fact that those moments become our best moments because they help us find out who we truly are. However, I'm at a crossing. I can go left, I can go right. Ultimately, I know that with the help of my Father I will make the correct decision.

I think some of the most judgmental people I have met in my life also consider themselves the most pious people. Their lives are perfect. Sure, they have challenges but they somehow always seem to make their way out of them unscathed. I know I'm far from perfect. But I have faith. Faith that things will turn out well in life. Faith that tomorrow brings a fresh start to the day. I've lost some very close friends in the last months. People I trusted. People I miss. People I will never speak to again. It's very sad.

I think religion loses its meaning when you judge others. When you offer un asked commentary to other peoples' lives. There are family and friends in my life that I expect to tell me when I'm wrong. That is the beauty of friendship.

Moral of this post: if there is someone in your life truly struggling with something, they don't need you to preach to them. They don't need you to offer how much "i know how you feel" words. All they need is a listening ear, a hug, a reassurance that they'll make it alright in the end. We aren't placed on this Earth to criticize and force other people to live life like we would. We are here to learn and grow. To be more like Jesus Christ, who loved all and shunned no one. My heart hurts to think of what the world goes through every day. If everyone had someone to talk to, I know there would be less violence, less war. There would be more love and unity. For those of you who believe in a Heavenly Father, prayerfully think of how you can truly help your friends and neighbors.

At the end of the day, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors in any house. Trust me. I saw it in my grandparents for 12 years of my life. I never knew the horrible issues that were going on until one day, my grandmother divorced the man she had loved her whole life (34 years) because of things that to a normal person, would have been unimaginable. It hurts me to this day to see them separated. I will never understand what happened and honestly, I don't need to know. I just make sure they both know that I love them and that I respect them. I cannot judge them because I love them. Perhaps that's wrong of me.

Of one thing I am sure. There is only One being who can judge and it isn't you nor I. Farethewell to the friends I will never see again. I hope you open your heart to the realities of life because one day, the challenges will spring up on you... And I hope your friends don't turn their back on you.

MONDAYS

2011-02-21T07:22:00.000-08:00

Winter Faves

2011-01-24T08:55:00.001-08:00

Since moving to Idaho nearly five years ago, I have realized that I don't really enjoy the cold. I don't like having my body go completely numb as I stand outside trying to defrost my car for school. I don't like skiing or snowboarding. I think my ancestors knew what they were doing south of the border because once I'm in a warm, sunny climate, I'm actually a really nice person. I feel like people get the worse side of me because I'm not very approachable during the frigid months. For that, I apologize.

However, adaptation is also something very keen in our development as humans. So once I settled into Idaho climate, I realized the only way to survive would be to adapt. Complaining can only get me so much satisfaction; consequently, I got warmer gear, made friends, and started to learn to bake. Baking makes a house warm in case any of you were wondering. Here are some things that I have learned to enjoy during the bleak winter months in Rexburg Idaho.

1. I eat lots of different types of soup!

1. I like to wear long sleeved shirts!

2. I like to bake (although I'm learning and I'll never be as good as my inlaws)

I can't believe how fast time is going by. Winter will be over before we know it and then Idaho will be green (well, kind of...) Arkansas has been remarkably cold, unfortunately for me, but once spring and summer hit, we'll all be melting like popsicles on the fourth of july!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2011-01-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

Well, it has begun... 2011. Here's to a better year, more peace and love everywhere. Christmas was great! We had the whole family together and it was fun to have Justin spend time with his Mexican side aka my family. It was a tender moment to see him and little Max spending time together and really getting to play. Max is his father's son and they love each other very much. I just felt blessed to have my family reunited and get to see us together :)

This year I want to be more grateful for the blessing I have been given. I want to have a stronger conviction of who I am and where I am going. I want to be a better mother (more loving, nurturing, and patient)...

GOALS FOR 2011:

1. Lose ten pounds
2. build muscle
3. read my scriptures every day
4. play with max
5. read to max
6. be more patient
7. say "i love you" more than any other phrase
8. be a peacemaker in the home
9. establish an environment where our little family feels safe
10. be more positive
11. be more thankful
12. put myself out there

My goal every year for the last 8 years has been to lose 10 lbs. I think this is my year to do it. I have lost 15 lbs in the last year. 10 more should be a breeze.

I hope you all had excellent holidays and had as great a time as I did. Life is beautiful and filled with so many opportunities. I'm so grateful I came to Earth!

I'm thankful for the gospel I have in my life that helps to strengthen me. I know families can be together for ever. I know we have truth on the Earth once more. I am thankful for the opportunity I have to be a mother, thank you Justin for giving me the greatest gift ever, our son Maxfield.

I love Christmas :)

2010-12-15T08:10:00.000-08:00

I love smelling the sweet cinammon in the air... I love christmas trees and ornaments. I love Santa Claus and writing letters to him (we are taking Max to see Santa when Justin gets here!!). I love old feeling of surprise and excitement!! I feel like a kid again and those times are dearly treasured.

All I want for Christmas is for my family to be healthy and strong and together. I want more love and peace in the world. I especially want to remember the true meaning of Christmas and teach that to my children.

This is all I need for Christmas! A smile and a hug from my little precious one :)

Futuristic Goals

2010-12-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

I'm liking this idea of blogging at work on my lunch break. So glad I figured it out. however, at work I can't read some people's blogs, like the Delatores. So I apologize Lauren!! I really want to read your blogs!!

Confessions:
1. I have not had time to do Christmas shopping.

2. I still don't know when Justin gets in for Christmas.

3.I was studying for the LSAT but got really bored. I want to take it sometime in the next 5 years.

4. I still don't believe I'm a college grad and I fear I will be in school forever.

Let the DECORATING begin!!

2010-12-08T12:59:00.000-08:00

THEY GOT THE HOUSE HIP HIP HURRAY!!!

We just got the amazing news that mom and daddy got the house they have been wanting!! Hurray and congratulations Mami y Papi! Here are some looks that I love and wanted to know you're opinion on (fellow bloggers unite!!). I have different color schemes that I'm putting together with my mom. We're creating a hybrid between the two of us. I'm old fashioned, vintage-loving, country, and like all things that are old. My mami is a fashionista who loves up-to-date and modern styles.

This living room stresses colors and they all flow very well together... More of a sitting room though. It doesn't give me the comfy feel I usually strive for.

Beautiful bedroom. It makes me want to get up and get moving! (in a very good way)

This is my MOTHER. Fancy, huh?

This living room from pottery barn is ME!! not so much my mom. Maybe for my future home, eh?

Moving on...

This seems like the table my mom would like with my table cloth and center pieces. fancy, yet approachable.

All I want for Christmas is...

2010-12-02T08:05:00.000-08:00

My favorite silly Christmas song was "all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" because the first time I heard it my little sister was missing both of hers. So I taunted her that year and still sing it to her when I remember. I'm sure she appreciates me telling you all this (haha). Thanksgiving was peaceful and we had a good holiday at the Hills Residence. There were lots of people, fun games, and lots of good American food. YUM. Now I'm back in Arkansas working hard for the money and Justin is back in school in Rexburg. He just survived a horrible car accident and we are all grateful that only our poor little Ford was totalled and not anyone else in the vehicle. Miracles happen every day.

Max is going through a really terrible time (for me anyway). He was a pretty easy little tot so I assumed he would be for the rest of his life... Yeah, I thought too soon. He throws crazy tantrums and beats up on my siblings. Seriously. I caught him twice yesterday trying to beat my little 12 year old sister up. He's made her cry more than twice since we have been here and I don't know how to break him of those habits. I've done time outs. I've threatened and sometimes followed through with my promises... I guess the terrible two's mothers always whisper about are happening. He chases me around the house with his arms extended and if I don't pick him up, he launches himself across the floor in a rage. My mom says I used to bang my head against the wall until it bled, so maybe he gets it from my side of the family. However, I'm still not sure that story is completely true (the one about me). So I'm not ready for Christmas at all. Confession: I have bought like 1 out of a hundred items I need to get. AAH!!!

Lastly, I was wondering if any of you wanted to let me know what presents to get Max. I am a firm believer in having a handful of good toys that will survive long term. Here's some stuff I had in mind:

1. a toy airplane ( he loves them!!)

2. Dr. Seuss books (he may be young... but i love them!!)

3. Buzz or Woody from Toy Story (again he may be a tad too young)

I don't want to get him guns or violent toys because he already shoots people with his "hand gun" and we suffer many casualties every day because of it.

I'm so BEHINNNDDD!!

2010-11-19T11:55:00.001-08:00

I used to be an avid Blogger. That seems like decades ago! I see all of my friends with their cute blogs and wish I had exciting stories. Sorry friends. I'm still boring... But that's just me. Arkansas is in the Fall stage. It is gorgeous!! The trees are all beautiful colors and I just can't get enough of this place. AH! Love it! It is a lovely 50 degrees outside and I really can't complain. While others are moaning and groaning about how cold it is, I'm barely putting long sleeves on. There is something about coming from extreme weather (Idaho). Life has been... Interesting to say the least these last few months but I am taking each and every moment as it comes without hesitation. I am starting to realize how much I am given every single day and how much I don't appreciate the little stuff. I am the new Assistant Director of AMERICORPS here in NWA Arkansas and absolutely love what I am doing. I love helping other people and it is right up my alley. Max is reaching his terrrible twos and throws tantrums at the drop of the hat. He is starting to put words together and says the funniest things. He turned to me the other day and said "no-no mama!" and I had to turn my head to prevent myself from laughing. He is starting to realize how funny he is and how to get out of trouble. Boy are we in trouble!! He is an amazing little boy though and we have a lot of fun together. He is so silly. Ah- it feels so good to be back in bloggerland. I hope all of my Rexburg Friends aren't too frozen!!

End of Semester's Jitters

2010-07-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe my time has finally come to walk across the stage to show the world (aka rexburg) that I am a college graduate. I don't ever like to brag (unless it's about my AMAZING child), but I figured now would be the best time to get it all out and not partake in bragging for awhile.

I was born to very young parents 22 years ago. They learned how to be a family with me. I was the guinea pig and did not mind it that much in my childhood. They sacrificed so many things in order for my needs and wants. Never did they complain about being young parents. Never did they treat me as the thing that took away all of their youthful dreams. Instead, they embraced parenthood with a force to have been reckoned with. They did not have the opportunity to grow up in a home filled with joy and laughter. I cannot believe how two normal people came from their circumstances but it happens every so often as I can tell. They are incredible. I am so thankful to have been raised in a home where the parents wanted to cherish their children, sometimes I thought they were smothering me, but now looking back I miss that so much. I never doubted their love and devotion to me. I just assumed that everyone else grew up like that as well, however others were not as fortunate as I.

The older I get, the more I realize how much I am like them. I have the courage of my father and the love of my mother. I see the world in dire need of help and I guess that's the humanitarian in me. They taught me the value of a strong testimony and determination in anything I set my mind to. I am here because of them. I am the first to graduate with a bachelor's degree in my family. Had it not been for the way I was raised, I doubt I would have gone as I did. My mother has always been my personal cheerleader, the outstanding mother who did everything at once and still managed to make time to listen to her daughter's complaints about injustices in the world. I wonder of what my parents think of me sometimes. I have become such an extremist when it comes to global good and compassion towards man kind that it must be annoying to listen to constantly. I don't know how to discuss normal issues like the weather anymore. I think part of that is that I have lost desire to speak of mundane things that occur on a daily basis.

Thank you Mom. Thank you Papi. You are my greatest example. I hope my children can see the efforts I have put into life to give them a better life. You gave me life. You taught me how to live a proper life that feasts upon the words of Christ. There is no other joy than that of parenthood and I am enjoying every minute I get with my little man. We have a small family of our own with struggles too but at the end of the day there is no other place I would rather be.

Thank you to my friends and family who have vouched for me and encouraged me to be my very best. I did my best and finally I can reap the rewards of hard earned work. I am filled with so much love and excitement for what life awaits in the near future. The horizon is not far from where I stand and the picture I can muster up in my head cannot even comprehend the beauties that await. I'm so glad to be where I am today. I know who I am. I know where I am going. And I finally get to thank the two people who never ask for any praise or recognition. YOU are the REASON why I am HERE Mom and Dad. Gracias.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-06-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't had time to sit down and blog! We've been so busy with Max and school. Last week I realized just how busy Max is already. He has physical therapy twice a week, a helmet check, another doctor's visit, and we're headed in that direction this week as well. He hardly has time for naps and fun times! He is taking it all very well and we are just so blessed to have such a good natured baby. He's so good. I feel like the next one will be a handful because Max is so easy going. He loves to laugh, he likes to say AMEN! at the end of every prayer (he says it like that too). He has learned to say THANkS or THANK YOU every time we give him something he asks for. I can't believe he's 15 months already! Time is flying!

My workout schedule fell through the cracks a little bit but Shanda came to the rescue and we are on top of the workout thing! We have had fun playing one on one basketball and going swimming. We'll have to see what this week entails. This week I have school until Wednesday. Then we head down to see a doctor at Primary Children's and THEN we are going to relax and hang out with the Hill side for a Hill Family Reunion. I'm excited to meet everyone... and a little nervous. I just hope it all goes well. Me + Camping= Surprises.

Anyway, I just wanted to update you all on what has been going on and apologize for slacking on my healthy living blog... I think I'll pick it back up once I'm not writing two huge research papers or taking tests. And when I do have time to relax, I prefer to sit with my little man or have him chase me around the house. Oh- and mom, Max loves to scare me. Usually I know when he's about to do it but the other day he got me good and well... he is a Hill for sure because he laughed so hard I worried about his oxygen levels.

It's Never Easy... But so WORTH it...

2010-05-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

I never understood how a part of you could be completely missing. Well, I am experiencing that. I am sitting here, contemplating on what my life has been like for the last two years, and it's been good. Sure, there are bumps in the road but besides that it has been good. I have a wonderful toddler who is my very LIFE and the reason why I do what I do. He's not here with my right now and it is killing me. Literally. I miss his smile. His lovely face. His silly laughs. His cuddly ways. I am completely whipped by a little man and it is ok by me! What a blessing I have been given, a responsibility as well, but it is mostly a blessing. I'm sure he knows that we don't know what we are doing 99% of the time but he puts up with us anyway.
Eating well has been ok. I did P90X yesterday and am suffering today but it was an awesome work out. I am still in the process of learning how to enjoy exercising. It's not my forte. But the results are present and that in itself is a key motivator. I wish I could be motivated about school. I have no desire to do it. Instead I want to play with my precious boys and enjoy what time I have with them. WE don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I try to make the most of my today's. Life is so precious. When I was at Primary Children's I saw so many kids with so many issues that my heart went out for those parents that are in it for a rough road with their kiddos. It was an eye opener. I can't let my body go to waste. It isn't mine to waste in the least. The only way I can truly thank my Heavenly Father for my body is by showing him that I am willing to take care of it! It's so hard to get the motivation to exercise but if I don't do this for me, nobody else can or will. There is so much more to life than worrying about weight, but because of my diabetes I decided i didn't like where I was. I was tired all the time, I was slowly going blind (so scary), my kidneys hurt, I felt like I was trapped in a 40 year old body. So finally, I stopped whining and got to work. It's been hard. But it's been worth it. And I have a family to take care of now so I can't be sitting around watching the years pass me by.- i mean look at this handsome face... i want to pinch those cheeks and cuddle that face :)

Life is beautiful. It isn't always easy but if it were, we wouldn't be able to learn and grow. Without knowledge we are nothing. It is a precious thing to have.

Thank you.

Bring it ON.

Pause. Breathe In... Release

2010-05-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

Max's surgery went remarkably well! He's doing so well and hopefully we'll see if the surgery was a real success in the next couple of months. Now we have to get the helmet and after that... Good as new!! I start working out again on a regular basis on Monday and it kills me, but I haven't had a whole lot of time to go out and work out. Frankly, I'd rather sit on the couch with my little one and spoil him rotten. I'm sure I'll be ok for doing that. I need to get back in the groove of things so for the next week I will try really hard to blog about my exercise adventures...

This is Max with Grandma Hill right before surgery. He didn't want to hang out with mom or dad. He only wanted his grandma! He kept stretching his arms to her and would just cling to her, it was the sweetest thing. At the same time it broke my heart because he was so mad at me!

Bring it on... all or nothing... lol

Knots in my Stomach

2010-05-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

I am not sure of the phrase in English... But I think it goes something like this: I feel like I have knots in my stomach! and well... that's exactly how I feel. I am very antsy and nervous about tomorrow's surgery. It is only a minor surgery that will be done on Max but it is surgery nontheless.... I really shouldn't worry right?

I will let you guys know how it goes... I can't even speak of food tonight.

TODAY...

2010-05-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

Today was fun... I went swimming at the crack of dawn... butt crack to be exact. Then I had a successful day at school and home doing the mommy super cleaning thing since we're about to get a lot of family for the next month. I must admit I had Mexican. Real Mexican food. That was high in calories. But from the swimming I was just STARVING all day. I think when I swim I should just get to eat more because it burns ALL of my calories. And I didn't even swim for that long. I am so tired.

Then tonight my good friend Jennifer asked me to go on a walk with her. Which turned into a 4 mile marathon!! We are excited for her to have her little one and I very much enjoyed the fresh outdoors. Thanks Jen! Good luck with baby one!!

I am so burnt out. Have a good night everyone. Until next time. BRING IT ON!!!

AND IT CONTINUES!!!

2010-05-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

So, I've been healthy for what? Two weeks? Officially one? I have been doing well, eating good meals that keep me full and I am starting to see the difference. I am so sore from working out but I still feel good! Good bye baby weight and stuff I gained while being single up here in Rexburg!! I've never been a barbie size, nor do i want to be, but I'm feeling so much better about myself and I am proud that I am keeping it up. I'm not good at committing to things and usually I only last a few days so I'm pretty impressed to see how far I've gone in half a month!! Now that sounds way good! Tonight we had a light pasta salad, a yummy green salad, and BBQ chicken!! I must confess that I did eat a little ice cream and brownie, but I kept it at a minimum. A little goes a long way. I am no longer dreaming of eating a hot dog. Thank goodness! So BRING IT ON!!!Good luck to those of you trying to get into shape! You can do it!! Just don't give up. And if you "mess" up one day... don't worry, that's what tomorrow is for! Just keep at it and you will see the difference! I've been doing this for two weeks and I can already tell... I know that sounds like people off TV but seriously. I see muscle toning going on. Well, good night. I have an early date with Crystal at the Pool :)

This is Harder than I thought!

2010-05-15T20:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been blogging on and off for the last week. I don't know where people find the time to sit down and blog EVERY day. I've decided I am just not able to blog every single day on what I have eaten and when I exercised during the day... But I will do weekly updates. I guess I am not good at handling blogging on top of all the duties. To those of you who do, tell me your secrets. I have successfully been healthy for a whole week and it boggles my mind. I have the munchies tonight so I am fighting the URGE. Today I went swimming at 9 in the morning with my good friend Crystal Delatore and I enjoyed it! Haha. I know that sounds silly but I'm not the best swimmer. Since I am looking for new ways to exercise, I was very excited to have my friend go with me and teach me how to swim properly. It was GREAT! She is an awesome girl and I am going to miss her and her husband. I know this pool below isn't the one at BYUI but I wanted to illustrate my story. I will provide an accurate picture sometime.Today I ate an egg white with toast and an apple. For lunch I had a light pasta with spaghetti sauce (my poison!!!) and for dinner I had grilled chicken over salad. The chicken was pretty good. I seasoned it with garlic salt and pepper (nothing over the top) and placed it on top of my salad. The juice from the chicken became like a dressing on my salad so I saved a few calories! It has been an over all good day. I got so many things done and worked out on top of that! Bring it ON!!!!I think I'm going to end my posts with that phrase because its encouraging :)

I Skipped A day...

2010-05-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

I did not have two minutes to sit down and post yesterday. It went well, I did eat a little pizza but since my carb intake was pretty low yesterday I decided it would be ok. But just that once (haha). Anyway, today has been a great day. I ate a healthy special K breakfast, took my AMAZING vitamins (that I would recommend to everyone) AND had lunch with some good friends. We ended up eating Bulgogi, a Korean dish
that is Justin's specialty but this time our friends Edith and Matt made it for us. It was SO good. Seriously. And so for dinner we are having Chicken with brown rice and veggies. I am already feeling a lot better about my healthy choices and even Max doesn't seem to mind them. However, Max is the healthiest out of all of us because we make sure he gets the BEST of the BEST and no heavy stuff. I feel like babies are so little and sensitive that if I give mine something he shouldn't eat it bugs ME all day. Life is good. Food is great.
Recipe for Bulgogi:
3 lbs. of finely sliced meat (you can ask the butcher to do it and say it needs to be finely shredded for korean meat)

1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup of soy sauce
1 tbs. of sesame oil

1/2 cup of mushrooms
1/2 cup of green onions
1/2 of a white onion

and we add a ton of garlic to taste. It is about 1 Tbs. But just eye ball it. Some people don't like Garlic. Justin loves it so we add a lot of it.
* For best results let it marinate overnight or at least two hours before serving. Cook with a little sesame oil in the pan and enjoy. You can eat it with lettuce, Romaine of course if you want to be healthy (not to mention it is delicious). And you can serve it with white rice. We substituted our white rice with brown and it tasted pretty good.

BRING IT ON!!!!

2010-05-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

It has begun. It is a lifestyle change and now I will not go back. I cannot go back. I am in competition to lose weight and I am determined to lose the pounds!!! So I decided to blog about it for the whole time I am on it. I will also post some super AMAZING healthy recipes that my chef husband has come up with to help me stay in shape (or get there). So, let's begin!

Mediterranean Salad with Olive Oil Drizzle:
(it's faster if you get the one pre-made from the grocery store)add half a tomato
add a few slices of red onion
drizzle juice from one lime
drizzle olive oil (very LIGHTLY... or else it will defeat the purpose of healthy)
sprinkle a little salt and pepper to season it a bit
You can eat grilled chicken breast or lean beef on the side seasoned with garlic powder and salt and pepper to taste.

It is simple. Delicious. And very Good for You.

Overwhelmed

2010-04-26T21:48:00.001-07:00

It has been a crazy year. I have been going to school non stop since I had Max to graduate (so I can stay home with my little one)... and well, it has been more than challenging. I don't know how other mothers go to school with more than one child. I admit that I do enjoy learning and such, but I feel terrible leaving my little one every day. I tell myself that at least he's with his dad and not some stranger he doesn't know. However that doesn't do much to ease the pang of guilt I feel every time he runs to me after I come home from school. He trips over himself and claps his hands and yells out "MaMaMa!" At least he doesn't get sick of me, right?

I'm taking a very interesting religion class that has helped me out immensely. My teacher is an amazing man and I feel very fortunate to be in that class. It seems as if I am getting all the answers to life in that class and it's incredible to say the least. I have been very hard on myself for the last couple of months and I just started to realize that a lot of the things I harp myself on are out of my control. I have accepted that with all my flaws, my dear child still loves me and wants to be with me. I am not a bad mother because of my labor experience. I've been blaming myself a lot regarding that, what if I hadn't drank that one coke while I had a headache even if I knew I shouldn't have? What if I had skipped the epidural? What if.... Irregardless of my self doubts, Max's issues are finally getting resolved and with that I am feeling more calm. He met with an incredible doctor a few weeks ago and we were told that he has to have surgery. That was disheartening but we are grateful to get in as soon as we have and to get it over with just as quickly. We are taking him to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake and I know that he will receive the very BEST treatment there is for his issues. I've decided to stop being so hard on myself because that only makes me more cranky and I know it just can't be healthy. Also, I need to get over the fact that I will probably never have a TON of kids. My health isn't where it should be and I'm only 22 years old. Diabetes is definitely a slow process but it has finally started to catch up with me. I can't say that I didn't see that coming; I've been diabetic since I was 5. But I'm done with the pity parties and I am going to live life to the FULLEST! I graduate this summer (finally!!!) and I'm ready to tackle my next challenge...
I have a beautiful family and I don't really have room to complain. I have a boy I'm absolutely crazy about who keeps me on my toes! I love baby kisses and hugs. I love baby clothes and giggles. I love stinky little baby feet that are shaped like little bricks :)...

SCHOOL... let me tell thee the ways i dislike thee...

2010-04-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

I have always loved learning. In fact, I used to read really weird things when I was a child such as the constitution, the amendments, and boring stuff other people will never glance at in their LIFETIME. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is in front of me and it scares me a little. I have looked forward to this moment for such a long time that I cannot even begin to describe how driven I have been to get done with this phase of my life. I feel like I cannot learn anymore. My brain is on overload and I have so much information in it that it comes out at random times in conversations that have nothing to do with what we are talking about.

Being a college graduate has been a dream since the 5th grade when I decided I wanted to be the president of the United States of America. For real. I know, I was a really weird kid. I have definitely downgraded since then to only wanting to be an attorney. My motivation is a little guy that wakes up with a grin on his face and is GO GO GO until bed time. My Max is a darling little man who loves playing outside, eating dirt, and being a little boy. He's incredible.

A little Poetry... one of my favies

2010-02-25T19:52:00.001-08:00

CURFEW MUST NOT RING TONIGHT
by Rose Hartwick Thorpe (1850-1939)

Slowly England's sun was setting oe'r the hilltops far away,
Filling all the land with beauty at the close of one sad day;
And its last rays kissed the forehead of a man and maiden fair,--
He with steps so slow and weary; she with sunny, floating hair;
He with bowed head, sad and thoughtful, she, with lips all cold and white,
Struggling to keep back the murmur, "Curfew must not ring to-night!"

"Sexton," Bessie's white lips faltered, pointing to the prison old,
With its walls tall and gloomy, moss-grown walls dark, damp and cold,--
"I've a lover in the prison, doomed this very night to die
At the ringing of the curfew, and no earthly help is nigh.
Cromwell will not come till sunset;" and her lips grew strangely white,
As she spoke in husky whispers, "Curfew must not ring to-night!"

"Bessie," calmly spoke the sexton (every word pierced her young heart
Like a gleaming death-winged arrow, like a deadly poisoned dart),
"Long, long years I've rung the curfew from that gloomy, shadowed tower;
Every evening, just at sunset, it has tolled the twilight hour.
I have done my duty ever, tried to do it just and right:
Now I'm old, I will not miss it. Curfew bell must ring to-night!"

Wild her eyes and pale her features, stern and white her thoughtful brow,
As within her secret bosom, Bessie made a solemn vow.
She had listened while the judges read, without a tear or sigh,
"At the ringing of the curfew, Basil Underwood must "die.
And her breath came fast and faster, and her eyes grew large and bright;
One low murmur, faintly spoken. "Curfew must not ring to-night!"

She with quick step bounded forward, sprang within the old church-door,
Left the old man coming slowly, paths he'd trod so oft before.
Not one moment paused the maiden, But with eye and cheek aglow,
Staggered up the gloomy tower, Where the bell swung to and fro;
As she climbed the slimy ladder, On which fell no ray of light,
Upward still, her pale lips saying, "Curfew shall not ring to-night!"

She has reached the topmost ladder, o'er her hangs the great dark bell;
Awful is the gloom beneath her, like the pathway down to hell.
See! the ponderous tongue is swinging; 'tis the hour of curfew now,
And the sight has chilled her bosom, stopped her breath, and paled her brow.
Shall she let it ring? No, never! Her eyes flash with sudden light,
As she springs, and grasps it firmly: "Curfew shall not ring to-night!"

Out she swung,-- far out. The city Seemed a speck of light below,--
There twixt heaven and earth suspended, As the bell swung to and fro.
And the sexton at the bell-rope, old and deaf, heard not the bell,
Sadly thought that twilight curfew rang young Basil's funeral knell.
"Still the maiden, clinging firmly, quivering lip and fair face white,
Stilled her frightened heart's wild throbbing: "Curfew shall not ring tonight!"

It was o'er, the bell ceased swaying; and the maiden stepped once more
Firmly on the damp old ladder, where, for hundred years before,
Human foot had not been planted. The brave deed that she had done
Should be told long ages after. As the rays of setting sun
Light the sky with golden beauty, aged sires, with heads of white,
Tell the children why the curfew did not ring that one sad night.

O'er the distant hills comes Cromwell. Bessie sees him; and her brow,
Lately white with sickening horror, has no anxious traces now.
At his feet she tells her story, shows her hands, all bruised and torn;
And her sweet young face, still hagggard, with the anguish it had worn,
Touched his heart with sudden pity, lit his eyes with misty light.
"Go! your lover lives," said Cromwell. "Curfew shall not ring to-night!"

Wide they flung the massive portals, led the prisoner forth to die,
All his bright young life before him. Neath the darkening English sky,
Bessie came, with flying footsteps, eyes aglow with lovelight sweet;
Kneeling on the turf beside him, laid his pardon at his feet.
In his brave, strong arms he clasped her, kissed the face upturned and white,
Whispered, "Darling, you have saved me, curfew will not ring to-night."

Let it snow... let it snow... let it snow...

2010-02-24T19:21:00.000-08:00

The weather was lovely in the month of June. According to climate scientists it was the warmest January in 30 years. How cool is that?! February started out pretty warm as well but has gotten colder. Today it snowed and I thought it would get stop or melt but by 4 pm it was sticking! oh no!!
Instead of doing my homework, I decided I needed some relaxing time and have been trying to figure out blogger for the last hour. Who knew it could be so complicated?! If any of you know how I can get that ugly green changed (it's behind our picture) I would really appreciate it. This month is almost over and we are getting closer to April, which means I finish this semester and start another one shortly after!

Max has been having a lot of fun for the last two months. He has reached his milestones and the physical therapists are very pleased with what they are seeing! It is exciting! He started walking about a month ago and I really think it was because he was chasing after a cute little girl that plays with him every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday! This cute little girl's mommy watches Max while Justin and I go to school and I'm so thankful!! It's getting harder and harder to quit but I know the reward will be excellent in the end. I'm trying to upload some pics but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen. Sad! You'll just have to wait to see my cute little man then. He is getting his top teeth in and being a trooper about the whole ordeal!

February... already?!

2010-02-09T21:42:00.000-08:00

We are getting ready for midterms so at the Hill house we are having to write a lot of papers, read +200 pages a night, and prepare for our quizzes. On top of this, we make time to spend together as a family. Max is the light of our lives and he is what keeps me going every single day. He is such an amazing little guy!

MAX'S NEW TALENTS:

walking
playing peek-a-boo
laughing
singing songs
clapping
drinking out a sippy cup
dancing to music
waving bye bye
slobbery kisses

I know every mother is biased and Iwill be the first to admit that I am completely biased when it comes to my little man. He is so full of life and on the go, it keeps me busy and happy. I'm so grateful he is overcoming his health issues. He looks like a normal, healthy, lively kid... And I couldn't ask for anything more. There is nothing worse than knowing there is something wrong with your child and not being able to fix it. The worry isn't over yet, but for the first time in months, I have been able to sit back and relax and breathe a sigh of relief.

School is going well. Keep your fingers crossed Mom so I can graduate in July. Four long years but it's finally over!... Oh wait. I still have a semester and a half... jeez. Can you tell I have a seriously bad case of senioritis? They should just graduate me. Is that too much to ask for?

Anyway. It's good to be back. Life is good. Eat. Live. Laugh. Love. and Be Fearless in everything.
Life is too short for you not to try new experiences.

I'm BACK.... because there's a photoshoot give away and I want it!

2010-01-11T12:24:00.000-08:00

So, someone in my ward emailed me about there being a free photoshoot but I had to blog about it first! She is an amazing photographer and I really hope to win because my little Max is almost a year old and we haven't done any pictures with us as a family!! There's a ton of people in this thing so I don't think I will win... But it's totally worth a shot. By the way, does anyone want a futon? Because I'm selling one and I have to so I can put Max's crib up (that I haven't gotten yet but I'm in the process of doing)... Time management is not my forte as you can tell. I have an almost ten month old without a crib. If you guys hear any good deals on cribs, let me know as well! Thanks!